Pagtanggap

Bakasyon na naman. Wala munang trabaho, pahinga na muna. Marami akong oras para gawin ang lahat ng dapat kong gawin pati na ang mga bagay na gusto kong gawin. Pero ang totoo, wala akong magawa. Wala as in wala.
Minsan iniisip ko kung pano ako umabot sa puntong ganito. Mabait naman ako. Marami naman akong kaibigan. Pero bakit wala akong gawa?
Aaminin ko na, naiinggit ako kapag may nagyayayang lumabas sa mga kaibigan ko. Kapag nagkukwento sila kung gaano kapuno ang social calendar nila. Kung saan sila pupunta. Kung anong gagawin nila. I can only feign indifference, pero ang totoo, naiinggit ako. Gustuhin ko man kasi, wala akong pera. At bukod dun, walang nakakaisip na magyaya.
Hindi ako nagse-self pity. Umaamin lang at tinatanggap kong unti-unti kung ano talaga ako. I am not a very social person. Though I want to be one.
Hindi ako ang tipo ng kaibigang gusto mong laging makasama. My sense of humor is average. I am not a very good listener, not much of a storyteller either. I am just a decoration. Pampadami ng bilang ika nga. The world could go on without me. My friends will not notice even if I don't join an outing or an inuman session for that matter.
But I'm not bitter about it. It's all of my doing. I don't care much either.It's just that I'm bored right now and I am tired of trying to discover myself and of analyzing my fears and anxieties. I want to see other people, talk to other people.
It is just a bit sad to realize these things.

lazy day

It's been two days. It's vacation. No work. I can lie around with no one telling me that I am completely useless.
They do not need to tell me that because I feel useless. My room is a mess. I have some books I can re-read but I don't. I don't want to move any muscle. I am too lazy...