Sentiments of a Fan (Just Saying)

Earlier, I wrote about how happy I am and how I want to hold on to this happiness. However, I read it somewhere in the net that Matthew Gray Gubler is dating a twenty year old model named Ali Michael. Huwaaaahhhhhh!!!!! huhuhuhu

Crazy! hahaha

Anyway, it doesn't matter what I think because I am just a fan from a far off country. Besides, Matthew Gray Gubler is thirty years old. He deserves to have a love life. To be honest though, inasmuch as I want to be happy for him - I'm not. Simply because I have this big crush on him right now. If I ever get over this infatuation, perhaps I'll be happy for him.

MGG is not exactly Justin Bieber. Younger fans are much possessive of their idols. However, he does have a lot of young fans. Even though I am not as young as they are, I know how they feel. The Leonardo, Kavana, and Orlando experience in my teens or at least in my twenties is still fresh in my mind.

But I won't stop being his fan even if he gets married. The way I still admire Orlando Bloom after he got hitched and the way I still watch every Leonardo Di Caprio movie after learning about his high profile romances. I like Matthew Gray Gubler for his creativity and humor not only because he is drop dead gorgeous. I still am going to support him whoever he gets involved with.

I can only speak for myself though. I'm not sure about the other hundred thousand fans. From what I read some are really heartbroken, others are happy. Me - I can only wish that he is happy.

H-A-P-P-Y

I feel happy right now.

And I want to hold on to this feeling because I don't want to go back to my periodic depression that plague me. I am full of dreams and inspiration. I talked to my sis recently, high school pals are still bugging me about a reunion, money is still so so but I'm okay with that because I am sure that more will come.

I want to go to church. Just reflect and pray to thank Him.

Maybe I would go for a run or dance later perhaps. I'll play music and perhaps sing karaoke. In short, I just want to be internalize and keep this happiness!!!

Woo Hoo

For the first time in a month - I have slept for eight hours! Woo hoo!!!

It's too early though so the nearby store is still closed. I had to walk a few meters to buy my coffee and have my cellphone loaded. It rained a little earlier, the roads are wet. I love the breeze! A big break from the scorching heat of the afternoon sun.

I feel good, better than I had before. Anyway, yesterday, I told Julie about my decision to get her tutorials. I'm really doing this! Hopefully, God will give me the determination to keep this and work harder. With more gasoline, I can cover greater distances. I can move on with my other plans. Hay! I wish I am always this giddy. The periodic depression makes me crazy.

So anyway, I want to have fun today since it's a Saturday.

Improving

We move in worlds within our little world.

There's our work world, our school world, a world with our friends, a world with our families. In each of these worlds, a certain order is observed although most of the time they appear to be chaotic. I have learned that at certain points of our existence, we must disturb that order so that we will grow as individuals.

I have made minor disturbances in my universes. I am always afraid of making a major one. They always mean pain and suffering. I am not good in dealing with them. I just tell myself that they too shall pass but if I can avoid them, I would at all costs.

My universe is a simple one. I have a close knit family who love and support each other at all costs. There are minor disagreements and the big ones that we don't have a similar opinion of are respected. I work in a small preschool which dreams of expanding and making a big name for itself in the future. My boss is unpredictable and moody but I learned and am still learning from her. My coteachers are simple ladies who have their own priorities and different personalities. I have different groups of friends, the gays, my cousins, my college pals, and my high school group. They are all important to me in varying degrees at different times.

My universe is a simple one.

However, as much as I love it as it is, I believe it is time to disturb it so that it becomes a better one.

Hmmm...

I am going to work in a few minutes.

I want to go back to bed and sleep but I am telling myself that this would only take 4 hours so I can sleep later in the afternoon. Besides, I have stayed up all night carving potatoes into letters C and G and that is hard.

I still haven't come up with an idea for extra income. I have a business in mind but I need capital so I might have to wait patiently so that I can purchase the equipment. I can apply for a loan but I am not sure if that will be enough.

Anyway, I just want to write down all my ideas before I forget them so that I can reread these stuff at a later time.

Step by Step

I have said that I will start brainstorming my goals in the next few days. Now, I tried that earlier but I am still not satisfied with what I came up with. I have realized though that what requires top priority now is finding an extra source of income.

Since I wasn't able to resign last January, I want to honor my contract and just pursue an additional money generating scheme while I am still with the school. Tutorials are the easiest way. I have one sure client and it's not enough. I am looking for extra students. Perhaps a student who can drop by the school between 2-4 pm so that I can come home at 8pm tops. I will be motivating myself to do my job very well, if possible, extra well.

I want to take care of what I have now because this is where I am supposed to start.

The last few years, I had a distraction. Now that it is gone, I should be back on track and focus on honing my craft and giving it enough time and dedication.

I am so excited!

Choosing Smiles

I haven't started brainstorming for my goals. For one, I am so pissed off with Globe telecom that I wasn't able to concentrate on the things I needed to do. Anyway, I am okay now because I started drawing again and I am done with my materials for tomorrow's class. Yey!

Also, my almost brother-in-law dropped by and brought some supplies for my nephew so we don't have to worry until payday comes. I am planning to continue with my novel later and I will do the goal setting thing.

I am feeling blessed right now because I am choosing at the sunny side of my life. I don't want Globe to ruin my day and my worries to take away the smiles that my one year old nephew brings me. If I get mad again, I'll start downloading pictures of matthew gray gubler, jackson rathbone, joseph gordon levitt, frankie muniz and james franco and print them afterwards. I will stare at their gorgeous faces until the frown leaves my face.

God is good, all the time.

Reflections from a Fortune Cookie

My new fortune cookie said:

"A goal is a dream with a deadline."

I have stated yesterday that I will start with setting goals. Now, I am weeding out the impossible ones from the doable ones. I figure out that I have to start small before they lead to big ones. I will be brainstorming in a while and if I finalize them, I am so blogging about it.

I just feel so thrilled because of how I can so relate to these mini-messages. They look like little messages from God guiding me what to do. =)

From a Fortune Cookie

My fortune cookie told me:

"A person is never too old to learn."

I have been analyzing why I am having these periodic depressions lately. I realized I am getting old and fears are settling in. I am in my thirty's now and looking at my batch mates in high school and college, I have never moved as far as I wanted to. I am beginning to feel that if I don't do anything now, I won't be able to. I guess I have to start with setting goals.

I really want to go back to school but I am not sure if I want to pursue my Masters. I want to take another course, perhaps in sewing or creative writing. I also want to learn how to play the piano and I want to take a basic acting course. All of those things I can apply in teaching preschoolers because honestly, I really want to be a great educator.

In college, I read that a teacher must be many things all at once. Apart from educating, a teacher must be an entertainer, an artist, a handyman, a guidance counselor, and a mother. True enough, in my more than ten years of teaching that my duties doesn't begin and end in the educating process.

God must have placed me here for a reason. I have planned on being a journalist but things happened that brought me to this profession. Since I am here, I want to make the most of this and be the best there is.

Not Enough Gas

Right now, I'm feeling miserable.

It's Easter Sunday. I haven't been to church since Christmas. I have a lot of making up to do with God. I pray every night but the every morning visit to church is not as regular as it used to. I know He understands but that doesn't make me feel less guilty at all.

Anyway, I was chatting with a high school classmate a while ago and she asked me about tuition in graduate school. I just realized how badly I want to enroll for the second sem. I was all set in applying for re-admission but unfortunately, I don't have enough resources. I don't even have a hundred pesos in my ATM right now! I was actually hoping that my sister will help me out but she got pregnant and she needs the money for the new baby so there goes my hope.

Last night, I talked to a former co-teacher who is now in the States. She asked me what my plan is. I told her what I plan to do and I realized how far fetched those plans are! I cannot move. I cannot do anything to pursue my goals just because I don't have money!

I remember Ted telling me that money is like gasoline. We cannot go down the road of our dreams because we don't have enough gas!

Well, I guess I just have to stop right now. I need to clear my head so that I can come up with a good solution to this self-imposed problem I have.

Before it becomes an Obsession - A Thanks to Matthew Gray Gubler

It's Good Friday and it's almost morning.

I spent the day reflecting on my faith and doing all the traditional Catholic stuff. When everyone is asleep though and nothing's good on TV - I am back to thinking about my latest interest - Matthew Gray Gubler.

I have been browsing the net for so long now. I am trying to get to know this gorgeous guy I am watching in Criminal Minds. Turns out that among the cast, he has the most followers on twitter and facebook. He seems to be a genuinely likable person. A lot of girls are going gaga over him and I even saw a video of a girl who wrote a song for him. Like it or not, Matthew Gray Gubler is a phenomenon in the making. Much like Leo Di Caprio after Titanic and Orlando Bloom after Lord of the Rings. If he manages to star in a box office film, he would be the most searched about name in Google and Yahoo.

When me and my best pal first started watching CM, we used to laugh at his wide forehead. We were in love with Thomas Gibson at first (being the Dharma and Greg generation). However, as we went on with the series, I fell in love with Matthew's character, Dr. Spencer Reid. I mentioned before that I am crazy for intelligent guys. Reid is intelligent but a bit lanky for my taste and his character is that of a typical nerd. Until it developed from episode to episode and I was hooked! Later, I was watching his every move and devouring his every word. So, I researched about him.

Getting to know Matthew Gray Gubler via the net just got me more hooked. I love his sense of humor, his artistic side and spontaneity. He has that approachable appeal that makes him more attractive. I love the way he wears clothes - what can I say he's a model. He looks great even if he's wearing dorky vests and sweaters. His mismatched socks are cute. His shoes, the sneakers just reflects how laid back he is. He seems nice to his fans and his passion shows with every interview and twit I read. He is proud of all his works. His drawings are unconventional but he managed to make them visually appealing. I watched 500 Days of Summer and an excerpt from RV and he is not Dr. Reid in those films. The mockcumentaries in youtube are hilarious. He can make himself look foolish and yet so cute!

Because of him I retried an interest that I almost tossed aside which is painting. I also tried sewing when I saw pictures of his finger puppets on his site and I am proud of my work so far. I was encouraged to explore my creative side. And here I am now going back to writing. My flash fiction blog is regularly updated. This blog which I call my expression blog became more transparent the way I wanted it when I signed up in blogspot. I have a new blog which is my random thoughts blog and as of now I am addicted to it.

I never thought that my crazy admiration for Matthew Gray Gubler will lead me to this. It made me a more expressive and should I say creative person.

I may not be able to meet him in this lifetime and in this universe. With his 100, 000 plus followers on twitter, I doubt if I'll even get one smiley twit back. He may not be able to find this or read this. But still, I want to shout it into the internet universe.

Thank you Matthew Gray Gubler!

Regrets and Believing

When I was young, I had big dreams. I saw myself working as a hotshot lawyer or sometimes a well-known journalist who owns a mansion and drives her own car. In school, they made me believe I am one of the best. At home, they always tell me I have what it takes to make it big.

Then when I was sixteen, reality gave me a slap on the face. A big one.

And I never recovered from that.

I graduated on top of my class in 1995 and got accepted in the country's best university on scholarship. I thought I could conquer the world until my dad had a stroke and my mom, in tears, told me that she isn't sure if she can raise us on her own. God was kind to our family, He helped us with our needs. A lot of trials came after that which we have conquered as a family. We became inseparable, our faith was much stronger. However, I lost my ability to dream.

I went to college knowing that even if I was the best in high school, I am a nobody in that big university. I didn't strive to bag honors, my only goal was to pass every subject so that I could graduate. I worked part time as a service crew in a fastfood chain and later as a tutor. I juggled my work and studies, telling myself over and over that I could get a better job if I have a diploma.

When I graduated, all I wanted was to have a job that pays a salary regularly. It doesn't matter how small it is as long as it comes on a regular basis. I have no dreams of making it big. My college records are not impressive. I had a few failing grades and most of the ones I passed just hit the passing mark. Why dream big? In reality, there are more people better than I am who are not making it big anyway.

When I turned 30 a few years ago, I laughed. I remembered that I used to believe that I am going to earn my first million before I reach that age. Now I'm past thirty and I don't even have a hundred pesos in my ATM. When I was a kid, I thought I am going to get married at the age of 27, and now, I'm still single and unattached.

I have disappointed myself so many times that I am so afraid to dream again.

Now, I keep asking myself, what if I didn't give up that easily? What if I looked at that afternoon when my mom tearfully told me about her fears as a motivation instead of defeat? Would I be enjoying a better life now?

A lot of people say that they do not regret their past because it made them who they are now. But me, I do have regrets. I do want to change a lot of things in the past. I know I could have done better but I did not. I let reality bring me down and I did not raise myself up. Maybe it's true that I wouldn't be as strong as I am now if those things didn't happen. But I would rather be weak than not having the ability to believe.

I want to believe in dreams again. I want to tell myself that it is not too late.

Sentimental Stupidity

Sometimes, you have to accept that there are things you cannot change.

Somebody said that if you can't solve something, it is not a problem, it is a reality. There are some struggles that bring too much pain which we try so much to lessen but can't seem to overcome are not worth fighting. They should be accepted and the only way to deal with them is to live with them. Like when someone you love doesn't love you back, you cannot force him or her. You have to live with it especially when you have done everything you could to make him or her fall for you. They also told us to try and try until we succeed but we can only try too hard. In this world, there are limitations that we have to accept.

I did everything I could to make him stay. I gave him all the time I could spare. I showed him I love him in the best way I could. I put up with his womanizing and frequent lying. I made myself believe that I am the only person in this world who could love him that way. I did everything I could. I gave him all until nothing was left.

I don't regret anything. I had to go through too much pain but in the end, I knew, that I loved him the best way I could. My heart was badly beaten. He left me feeling numb. He left me broken. I lost pieces of myself. Then again - looking back, I couldn't care much less.

Sometimes, you have to accept that there are things you cannot change.

I cannot change what he had done and how I dealt with it. But I can accept that the world is still beautiful and there are still good men out there who are willing to love me the way I want them to. With this mind, I am not just getting over him but I am also moving on. I am ready to go out and meet new people.

RIP

Be and Be

Better be apart than destroy each other's world

Love is not a one way street

July 2005 - January 2009

Hot Hot Summer

I just arrived from our barkada's summer get-away in Zambales. This is the third year of our annual gathering and so far, in my opinion, is the best. My back and my arms are painful due to sunburn but it was all worth it.

I realized I haven't laughed as loud as I did these past two days in almost a year. I missed my friends so much that even the corniest jokes seem doubly funny. My jaw hurt, my eyes were watery but i loved every single second. For once in two months, I stopped thinking of Matthew Gray Gubler! woo hoo!!! There is still hope for me. I am not insane. =)

There are a lot of cute (hot) guys at the beach but I am enjoying my friends' company so I was not able to watch them walk around with their hot bodies. Besides, most of them have partners - gals and gays.

The water was so cool and clear. The sand is not that fine but it's so white. We collected a few seashells and small rocks. The sun was blazing and I got the tan lines I so desired but I didn't expect that some of them would lead to sunburns.

Anyway, this is just the beginning. I hope there will be more beach afternoons to come!

Eating Nonstop

I have been trying to cut back my food intake last week because of the coming summer get-away this weekend - but I backslided!

The thing is I want to be swim wear ready. Is that too much to ask? Heck! All I want is a little flatter belly and smaller arms. I want to have some confidence to bare some skin on the beach. Well now I don't think I am going to have that. As of this moment, I have eaten four cups of rice, a plate of pancit, a bottle of Mountain Dew and I still want more. I know I am in distress. I have money worries and I am worrying about this obsession I have with Matthew Gray Gubler. Right now, I can't think straight! All I want is to surf the net, watch DVD, smoke, and EAT!

This is not normal! I am turning into a slob! Well, I take that back, I still take a bath and brush my teeth. I take time in beautifying myself in the morning. I am actually trying my best to make my summer class more creative and enjoyable for the kids. I am trying to function as normally as I could in spite of the moronic things going on in my head.

So anyway, I better give up my dreams of wearing a bikini this weekend.

Worries, Worries, Worries

I have always been a worrier. I worry about the smallest things like leaving the door unlocked or the dog unfed. Sometimes my sister would be a little late and I would worry about the most insane things. I always fight my worries with prayers.

Now I am worrying again. I don't have enough money right now. I don't know how else I could earn extra. I can't ask from my family anymore because I know their financial status. Summer vacation means no school and no school means no tutorials. And I only get extra money from tutorials!

I need another source of income. I need to have my emergency fund in case I decide to leave my job on impulse and pursue another career. God please! send me someone in the universe to help me with this one.

Well anyway, as always, "this too shall pass." =)

Here I Go AGAIN

Lately, apart from obsessing with Matthew Gray Gubler, Dr. Spencer Reid, and Criminal Minds, I am contemplating on what to do with my stupid, boring life.

I want to do a lot of things. The list is so long that I feel lazy about writing them down here. One thing's for sure - I want a change. A big one.

I am just so tired of doing the same things over and over. I go to work, go home, watch DVD's, surf the internet, I eat, I sleep - then the next day, do the same things. I mean, I love routine. It took me a long time before I established one. Now, after two years or so, I'm bored with this. It's just not working for me anymore.

Revolving

My world right now revolves around Matthew Gray Gubler a.k.a. Dr. Spencer Reid. Every information, every access I can have, I grab it. However, I am still functioning as a human being. Nobody can tell the battles inside me. Except for my erratic sleeping, I go to work, do my job, I go home and fulfill my roles properly. I don't see my friends as much as I used to but that has been the case for about six or seven years now.

I try to pursue other interests to distract me. I write as much as I can, I read if I have time, I file, I make classroom materials, I create lesson plans and summer programs. I believe I have an undiagnosed case of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). I easily lose interest in activities and move on to the next. However, if this is ADD, why do I develop this obsessions? Maybe I have slight autism - who knows?!

Dr. Spencer Reid is such an interesting and lovable character. From what I read in the forums, a lot of girls are crazy for him. I bet I am not the only one. He has such this innocence in him that makes every woman want to take care of him. My weakness are smart guys though I'm not into the classical nerd, he is apart from the others because he is so gorgeous.

Matthew Gray Gubler is equally interesting and lovable. He is very creative unlike Dr. Reid who is more on the analytical side. He seems like a very funny guy. No wonder he has a lot of fans. His has a hundred thousand plus followers on Twitter. I read twits about him and most of them are professions of love and adoration.

I may be obsessive but I am also realistic. I twit Matthew Gray Gubler, I wrote a fan fiction about Dr. Spencer Reid but I know that no matter what I do, our paths will never cross. That's why I created a fantasy world where our worlds meet and I believe - that somewhere, in a parallel universe, we are together.

However, in this reality, I am just plain old Jill.

The Development of Obsession

I have been obsessed before. Basically, I know when an obsession is developing. The first time I got obsessed with an actor was about 13 years ago - with Leonardo Di Caprio after "Titanic." I was not very knowledgeable with the internet at that time so I tried to know everything about him through television, magazines, and tabloids. I was 19, who could blame me? Besides, it was big at that time. I was not the only one.

I cannot remember exactly how I got over it. All I know is that I got obsessed with others after him. There's Kavana, the English singer and John Lloyd Cruz, a local heart throb. They come and go. But each time it happens, I want to get over it as fast as I could. It's hard enough to fall in love with someone who can actually reciprocate but it's even harder to fall for someone who doesn't have the slightest hint that you exist.

I just came from a bad relationship. I am in that difficult stage wherein I have no interest to get involved. I want to fall in love again that's for sure but it's hard for me to trust anyone. So lately, I have indulged in solitary activities, writing, reading and watching DVD's. I try to socialize. I have twitter and facebook. Though they are more for keeping in touch with old friends than for finding the man.

So anyway, I had a brief vacation a week ago. I did nothing but watch Criminal Minds DVDs. I watched them over and over and I am fearful that I am developing an obsession for Matthew Gray Gubler a.k.a. Dr. Spencer Reid.

Anyway, I'll tell more about this. Right now though, I'd rather take a breather.