Work!

My mom and I went out for a pedicure today weee!!!

Well at least our nails are clean. We dropped by lambak after but didn't stay long. I have this weird feeling we're not welcome or something but maybe it's just me. The thing is I still believe what I read from proverbs that too much of your neighbor and they will begin to hate you or something to that effect. If I weren't too bored I wouldn't go there anyway. I guess it's really better if we will give them time to miss us.

My mom's too crazy about saving up. She kept urging me to go to Singapore since my planned trip didn't push through. I guess it really isn't time for me to get out of the country. Maybe I'll spend this summer like I always do. Work that is. I hope I can find parents who would like me to tutor their kids this summer. If I can go out of town or out of the country that will really be a nice blessing but it would be nicer if I'll have extra cash because being broke makes us feel depressed and all.

So now I will go back to working since I can't find anything better to do. I don't have new crochet patterns to work on. I am trying to cut back our electric bills so I don't want to watch DVD reruns anymore. I don't have extra money to buy a new book or new art supplies. I will just work. Work and work until I get bored again and start complaining once more.

Yes I will!

Just Okay

I finally went out of the house and went to our old place in Marikina earlier. Nothing much changed except Mitzi has a new baby and they are now engrossed in mahjong instead of tong its. It was good to catch some sunshine and a few gossips. Mau’s birthday celeb didn’t push through but that’s alright.

Well, it’s cool and as I have said before, I don’t miss the old place very much. It has been almost three years since we’ve moved out and I couldn’t have chosen anything else. I like that we have our own space and privacy. I like it that we have moved away from gossips and the mundane life there it’s just that it’s so boring here. I can literally hear the clock ticking!

The neighbors are okay but I don’t feel like socializing with them since all they do is complain about our dog. I can surf the net anytime I want to but FB is getting a bit boring and there are too many phonies there. Well Adie and Erin can provide relief but they can be a handful too. Since I don’t have that much money to go out, the only form of recreation I can get is going back to lambak (see? That rhymes!)

And I feel pathetic because going to lambak has been the highlight of my day!

I actually enjoyed exchanging a few stories with Mitzi, reminiscing my childhood with Mau, and looking at Pearl’s bag catalogues. I have turned into a boring spinster without even realizing it. I don’t want to do anything else but socialize with familiar people and stay in my comfort zone.

Before I went home, I even ate at Chow King alone.

I am feeling okay. I am neither happy nor sad. I’m just okay.

Missing work?

I've been thinking about being productive this vacation. I have nowhere to go, nothing to do and the budget is just enough for basic needs. I really want to work and all but my references are all in school and I kinda can't work without everything I need in one place. So I am now back in re-watching old Criminal Minds and How I Met Your Mother DVD's.

I'm not complaining or anything. I love spending time with family and having all the rest I need. I can sleep and wake up whatever time I want. It's just that I am feeling bored and unproductive once again. Sometimes I want to get evaluated. Maybe I do have ADHD or something.

Maybe I can do something fun with my Mom tomorrow. We can go walking or grocery shopping if we have the money. I want to take the kids with us but I don't know if their parents would allow them. My sisters are all working and inasmuch as I want to spend some time with them, we'll end up strangling each other's necks anyway.

It's just funny how I used to complain how all my time is used up in working but now, I kinda miss it. Or maybe I am just not used to not having all these money and not being able to go to the mall or just the market anytime I want to. I wish I could have some extra money this summer and be able to go anywhere I want.

On the Dramatics

Most of the time I hate the dramatics and sentimentality of other people. I only become very sappy when I am writing on this blog and pouring my heart out. In real life, I know I can be some kind of a mean, spirited bitch who laugh at other people's mistakes, gossip about other people's shortcomings, hate other people's stupidity, and make fun of other people who like having serious talks. I hate people who like talking about problems and acting like amateur psychologists and think they are deep just because they are melodramatic.

I do have a serious side and I can talk about serious matters but NOT ALL THE TIME. Especially not on my facebook wall or my twitter account and not when everyone is having fun and laughing their hearts out. There is a time for sad stories and bitchin' about how life had been unfair to their sick, sad, pathetic selves.

I have my share of family problems. Name them! I am an illegitimate child, I have bitchy stepsisters, my parents got sick at the same time, my dad died at the wrong time, and we are poor. I have stupid love problems too like that jerk of an ex I had about four years ago and now I am not even sure if I would still find a man of my own. I get sick of my job from time to time with a moody boss, an epal coteacher,crazy kids and crazier parents. I have self-esteem problems too like being too fat, not being outstandingly gorgeous, and I am not sure if I combine my clothes correctly.

But do I dwell on them? Heck no!

I would rather share the stories of how God blesses our family each time we feel hopeless like that one time when we don't have money to buy dinner and suddenly I got money from our paluwagan. Or that time when we are not sure if we will be able to go to school the nest week because we ran out of fare and baon money and my mom suddenly won in jueteng.

I also like relating the stories of how serious situations suddenly becomes funny. We argue a lot and my mom usually says something in English and we'll burst out laughing even if we have puffy eyes from crying just a minute ago. When my Dad died one of my uncles said that he died because he preferred to die than be gay because the blood that would be given to him is from my openly gay uncle. My grandmother was crying and my uncle was appeasing him by saying, "Di bale may anak ka pa namang pogi." And my gay uncle faced me without words, put his hand under his chin and pouted his lips.

The point is, why dwell on the sad things? There are happier situations to be remembered. Sure it's good to talk about problems and serious things like the meaning of life or the existence of time. But let's just choose the correct setting for it.

After The Summer Get-away

For a while I was able to forget about how I miss my RC kids. A whole day of games, stories, food, and swimming was just what we needed to shake away all these graduation blues that we teachers are feeling. It was really a blast. I had a great time and I wanted to stay a little longer but things end.

Anyway, I stayed in bed all day watching Daria from the internet and a few of the old favorites like Criminal Minds. I spent some time with Adie and Erin and went to church. During mass, the priest read this passage about dying to self to live your mission. Adie was a bit hyperactive so I wasn't able to concentrate but the gist is I realized something today.

I've got to let go of my foolish pride, laziness, and intellectual superiority for me to be good at my job. I've got to stop having this Superwoman complex and continually work hard. I have to kill off my super big ego so that I could be the most trustworthy head teacher in our company.

The thing is I always feel like everyone envies me because I am smart and they all want to bring me down. I sometimes feel like my coworkers and my boss don't trust me because they don't want me to outshine them. But I realized that I am looking at things the wrong way.

I am not perfect and I am not better than anybody else. People don't trust me much because I have the tendency to be irresponsible.

So now, I will prove them wrong.

I will do all my jobs and try to do them as early as possible. I will not settle for good enough but give it my very best. I will think first before I give judgments and assignments. I will do my job not to show off but to be more beneficial to everyone - the teachers and the students alike.

Maybe then I will realize that I am ready to move on and be able to shake my fears away.

Of course, everything is for God my creator and Jesus my savior who from the very beginning know what and who I can be. =)

Graduation Blues

Another school year has ended.

I am happy because I could finally have my vacation but sad as well because I really would miss my kids. Year after year I try to put some considerable distance between us so that I would not be too attached but I still feel that certain sadness after our graduation.

I know I could move on after. When June comes and I have new kids to put up with I would surely forget about this batch as surely as they would forget about me. I just hope things would be as good as this year and hopefully I have given them a thing or two to make them remember me.

Like I always say during our ceremonies, this is just the beginning.

I would like to have a new beginning of my own. I just wish I could gather enough strength and courage to get out of my comfort zone. I have been with the school for more than six years and I really feel that it is time for me to move on. There is nothing in here for me anymore and I feel like I am not growing here. I am just afraid to take chances and leave because of unfounded doubts and worries. Day by day I m praying to shake these worries away but I still find myself afraid.

anyway, congratulations to my kids and I hope I can graduate like you did.

Blah blah blah

My dream vacation will not push through. The budget is not enough and the people I was supposed to go with have their own plans. But I am still aiming to go there. Maybe I'll just plan them out with Mau or Saray or any of my family. I am still feeling positive about it. It will be a little delayed because I need to save up but I will make sure it will push through.

The past two months have been so busy I am going crazy. Just like before, my problem when it is this busy is that I seem to be more lazy. I just hate too much pressure I'd rather sit back and take a breather than kill myself with panicking.

So anyway, I will have lots of time to blog in the next two months when summer vacation starts. I want to go back to my old goals and resolutions and stop living like a stupid robot.