It is still my birthday and inspite of my emo emo blog last night, I feel fine now. I have received a lot of greetings and my friends did not forget after all.
I was walking down Riverbanks Mall when I caught a glimpse of a familiar pucca shell necklace. I had to sigh and smile to myself, I received one on my twenty-second birthday, almost nine years ago from a guy who drove me crazy at that time and whom I thought was the greatest love of my life.
I have never denied my almost obsession with RV De Veyra. Looking back, I feel ashamed of all the stupid things I did. I stalked him using my cellphone and even through the internet. I shouted to the cyberworld how much I love him and want him to be mine. Eeewwwww!!!!!
My craziness eventually stopped when I realized, I never really loved him. I made myself believe that I am in love with him because I am in love with the idea of love. I am in love with the guy I want him to be. He is very ideal. A licensed PT, a musician, he came from a good family - the man of my dreams. I failed to see that I do not know much about him. What makes him laugh, what sets him off, etc.
I fell in love for real a few times after the RV experience and I learned a lot about certain types of men. Now, I am single again. And I can't will myself to find another man in my life just because of what some men taught me about their kind.
This is why I feel a bit nostalgic.
I wish I can fall in love with love again. How I long for those times that I could smile just at the thought of somebody loving me. I desire those moments when I simply believed.
Don't get me wrong. I have not turned to a skeptic. My heart is still beating in its right place. It's just that, it takes more time for me to trust someone and a lot of effort to prove that their love for me is real. I am not getting any younger. My biological clock is ticking. If I continue this distrust, I might end up a spinster.
But honestly right now, I am not bothered by the thought of spending my life alone. I am more bothered of not being able to feel the old "kilig" and the old longing for that someone.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Thirty One
On this day, I am an official thirty-something.
I am still staring at my unbeeping phone. A year ago, I have received greets even a week before this special day, but now, only Pong, Ana, Iska, Jingle, and Mau remembered. It is sad and I feel like a loser but I can't really hate my friends even if I want to. They have their own lives and what is September 13 to them anyway.
What happened in the past year? I lost my bestfriend and discovered I have lots of other friends who love me. Ted left me with a number of people I really treasure. Sadly, not one of them remembered this day.
Anyway, even if it is sad, I am still thankful. The past year has been a fruitful one for me.
I thank God for all the blessings. I went to Bohol and to Dipolog. I also spent s few days in Baguio. We have moved to a decent place. I have a nephew coming soon. I still have my jobs. I have opened my savings account. My family is in good health.
God is really good.
I have a lot more to wish for but I am already thankful for these. If I don't get my wishes, I will still find more reasons to smile.
I am still staring at my unbeeping phone. A year ago, I have received greets even a week before this special day, but now, only Pong, Ana, Iska, Jingle, and Mau remembered. It is sad and I feel like a loser but I can't really hate my friends even if I want to. They have their own lives and what is September 13 to them anyway.
What happened in the past year? I lost my bestfriend and discovered I have lots of other friends who love me. Ted left me with a number of people I really treasure. Sadly, not one of them remembered this day.
Anyway, even if it is sad, I am still thankful. The past year has been a fruitful one for me.
I thank God for all the blessings. I went to Bohol and to Dipolog. I also spent s few days in Baguio. We have moved to a decent place. I have a nephew coming soon. I still have my jobs. I have opened my savings account. My family is in good health.
God is really good.
I have a lot more to wish for but I am already thankful for these. If I don't get my wishes, I will still find more reasons to smile.
Monday, September 7, 2009
The Past Year
It has been a year since Ted went away. A year without his infectious smile and merry laughter. We have moved on and we are learning to let go. It is not easy. There are still times that I cry in the middle of laughter just because I remembered him. There are still times that my heart longs for his presence. But I am learning to accept that he is in a better place now. A place where there are no problems and no sadness. A place where he found the peace and happiness that he was not able to have in this world.
Last night, I cried for the past year once more when the mass was about to end. My tears were for all that could have been had he been here to this day. He could have had a higher position at work, a better love life, and the gatherings of our friends would have been doubly fun. In spite of the incomprehensible language of the Indian priest, I prayed to God that He would grant my friend the forgiveness he needs to enter His kingdom.
As for us who have been left behind, may we learn how to live with the loss and may we always remember how it used to be when he was around. How he used to play those silly antics and how he reprimands us when we do something stupid. May we learn the importance of one another and not carry our burdens alone. May we be more sensitive to one another's needs and be more present in each other's lives.
Last night, I cried for the past year once more when the mass was about to end. My tears were for all that could have been had he been here to this day. He could have had a higher position at work, a better love life, and the gatherings of our friends would have been doubly fun. In spite of the incomprehensible language of the Indian priest, I prayed to God that He would grant my friend the forgiveness he needs to enter His kingdom.
As for us who have been left behind, may we learn how to live with the loss and may we always remember how it used to be when he was around. How he used to play those silly antics and how he reprimands us when we do something stupid. May we learn the importance of one another and not carry our burdens alone. May we be more sensitive to one another's needs and be more present in each other's lives.
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