Nice

So after "My Lovely Kim Sam Soon" I am now watching "Secret Garden." And the common denominator? Yes! You got that right! Hyun Bin!

He's just so gorgeous. Now he's got me all confused. I don't know who my biggest crush is anymore. Hyun Bin, Zo Insung, Lee Minki or Kim Soo Hyun. Why are these Korean guys so gorgeous anyways? Except for Song Sam Dong I think I have fallen in love with those Oh so irresistibly handsome rich, spoiled, mama's boys in these Korean dramas. And these guys are definitely suited for those roles. Haaayyyy!!! I wonder if they are even aware of how much they affect their fans.

Too bad my vacation is about to end. This will be the last korean drama I am going to watch because All Saints' and All Souls' days are approaching and I will be ultra busy. On Monday, classes will resume and I will not be able to sit down and think of my Oppa's anymore. Hehehehe It feels so weird to call them Oppa. I'm older than all of them but they all make me feel like some high school girl.

Well, I just feel nice. Now I know what kind of man I really want. And even if my ideal man does not exist in reality, I will not lower my standards. I want a handsome, rich, intelligent, slightly younger guy who would chase after me and make me feel so special that I would melt in all cheesiness. The thought of him makes me want to giggle like a teenager. blehhhh....

It's nice to feel this way once in a while. I want to be always inspired so I can forget that I haven't met anyone special yet. It's hard and it hurts so much I want to cry sometimes. But as long as I have my ideal in my heart and in my mind, it makes the pain a little easier to bear.

Well, I hope the video's reloaded already. I'm watching the 12th episode. Hopefully I can still have a few hours of sleep after I'm done.

Gaaaaahhhhh

I stayed awake for 30 hours straight with just one fifteen minute power nap in between. I wasn't able to stop watching "My Lovely Kim Sam Soon." I can't even tell my friends about it because they are going to tease me and say that I could relate! Which is a bit true though. A thirty-something chubby single woman in search of love geez! This is so like Bridget Jones.

What is it about turning 30? Is it because we're half the retirement age? Okay fine I am past thirty and so what?! I am good at my job and while it is through that my waistline is beyond the ideal, I think I look okay. I am not drop dead gorgeous but neither am I scary ugly or pitiful ugly or just plain ugly. Gaaahhhhh!!!!!

There are so many unanswered questions and a lot of analysis have been made , should be made about this emerging thirty-something single group. But at the end of the day, we are all people, young or old or thirty something in need of love and hoping that a happy ending awaits all of us. (I'm a sucker for happy endings. I hate bad endings and even if it's a bad ending I would still look for happy things about it. So sue me!)

My dream is to create a character like Bridget Jones or Kim Sam Soon or to be like them in some way - particularly in their love lives. Goodness! Bridget ended up with a hot lawyer and Sam Soon a young, handsome hotelier. I'm dreaming so I might as well make it big. AJA!

Bored...Not!

I'm done with Grey's season 8. Now I am watching My Lovely Kim Sam Soon again.

I have been sleeping at 6am since Wednesday. It's just so boring in the house but I don't have the resources to go out right now. Besides I just don't enjoy bars as much as I used to so I guess I'll just stay here and watch DVDs and read books until the time to work comes again. I want to go malling with Ana and Gladys and exchange stupid stories with the gays. But money's just enough and I am too lazy to go out anyway.

But it is vacation and I want to enjoy every single minute of it. When work comes I would be complaining again so I will not waste my free time complaining. Money will come and I can go out and do what I want anyway. I'll use this time to plan my next steps of beautifying myself and losing weight and making me a better me.

Residue

Geez! Just when I thought it's vacation. I still have to make up a few more days of tutorial. I feel so lazy. If only the kids' performance will not be affected, I would make up a silly excuse just not to go. But then again, I don't have the heart to let them fail when I am here to help so I guess I have a few more jobs to finish.

I have started my Grey's anatomy marathon. I can't wait to finish them all. Gaaahhh!!! I just wish I really could relax now. haist!

Vacation

It's vacation time!!!

I have one week to sit around all day and think about nothing else but what I want to do. No need for rushing and meeting deadlines because it's my time to relax. Well I know I would have to cram once November comes in but I don't really care as of this time. I want to savor my freedom. Stay up late, watch all those films, read any book and write whenever I feel like it.

I just finished watching the season 4 of fringe and maybe I will start watching the 8th season of Grey's Anatomy. I have a few movies too and I guess I'll watch them after I get updated with Seattle Grace. And of course I will finish reading the Fifty shades Series and try to find out what the brouhaha about it was all about.

And the most important part of all, I will get lots and lots of sleep. I'll have enough time for all of these I know. Hmmm... so anyway, I'll just finish this Lee Min Ki flick I found.

shallow musing

I have said this a lot of times - I am not a very dramatic person. A publicly dramatic person. This is the only place I bring out my inner drama. So if you read any of my posts accidentally, please do not misunderstand. I am not like this in an ordinary day. Even the people closest to me do not know I have this side of me.

So anyway, right now I'm in a rush because I have limited internet access and I have to work on the kids' grades. I haven't started yet and I don't want to stay up late tomorrow so I have to finish them now.

I am still into this Lee Min Ki addiction. It's just so hard to find his other movies online. I don't want to watch dramas though because I don't have much time. I wish Jo In Sung and Kim Soo Hyun will also have movies available online. Haaayyy!!!!! I wish I could go to Korea someday and be able to see all those places where they shot my favorite movies and drama. Right now all I can do is look at pictures and do the Gangnam style. Yeah!!!

So tata for now.

Still

Tomorrow, the second quarter of the school year will officially end. Yey!!!

I just want to be over and done with the costume party. I would still have tutorials till the 25th though. I still can't fully relax but I would try to clear the clutter on may table and perhaps my head will be as organized. I'm still a bit irritable. I still can't play my dear facebook games. Just when I am moving up the ladder. Now I have no choice but to be more productive. And of all days but now just when I can relax.

So I guess I'll just resign to my fate. This is destiny's way of telling me that I need to work so I'll be working. No time for games now.

Stop

I am fighting the urge to throw tantrums right now. My facebook games won't load and I can't relax. It has been like this since this morning and I want to scream. I know it's pathetic but I really, really hate it. It's like having a power interruption in the middle of my favorite soap opera or having a flat tire in the middle of a race. I hate this!

Inhale Jill! Exhale! Now do this ten more times and I am really going to throw things at the wall.

I am so irritable lately. I just had my period so I cannot blame hormones. This is really frustrating and annoying. And it has to stop.

Stressful Day

Stress. There's just too much.

It seems like nothing's going my way.

I am desperately holding on to the hope that things will be better soon. And i don't want to let go of what little hope I have. I am trying to comfort myself by thinking of the worst case scenario and what I will do when it happens. I have alternatives and I know I can get out of it alive. But as they say, all change involves some kind of pain like that time when my wisdom tooth grew or that time when I had to wear braces. And I also heard that the my fear is bigger than the fear itself. I guess there is really hope so I'll cherish it and hold it near.

Things will change. I just hope that it will be gradual so that I will be able to bear the pain.

Cranky

This semester is about to end. Halloween is in a few days and soon after, it's Christmas once again. Before I know it, 2012 is over and so is the school year and to be honest, I think I will still be in the same place.

I want something to change. I want to move a step higher. But still, I have no idea what direction I am going to take. This is embarrassing to admit. I am almost in my mid thirties and I still feel the same way I did 20 years back. Lost and confused and just going wherever life takes me.

I blame myself for being a coward. I blame myself for not having the determination and the discipline to pursue things I used to dream of. But maybe it's not really my fault. Maybe I was taking the wrong path that is why destiny is leading me to the right one. They say you make your own but why can't I make mine?! Is it one of those things that only a few people are lucky to have?

I hate feeling this way. It's not helping me. Maybe I'll just sleep. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

Focus Again

I watched another Korean rom-com and I have a new crush! Lee Min Ki. He's not the typical gwapo Korean guy. He has this certain appeal that just makes me go aaawwww!!! I love the way he wears his clothes and the way he walks. He can be funny and desirable at the same time.

It's just nice to feel inspired again. I am now on the hunt for all his movies and dramas. I have something to do during the sembreak!!!! woo hoo!!!

Well, anyway, I went to church this morning with the kids and visited my Ate. Just a typical Sunday afternoon. I fell asleep for three hours and I am now wondering how can I sleep early tonight and go to school early. I will be back to my original schedule.

I need to focus now!!!

I need the energy for tomorrow. I will rest well and prepare well.

Additional Life Lessons

It was Jude Rocha's last day in RX. He's been there for so long, I can't imagine RX without him. He's one of the friendliest DJ's I know. He made each and every one of his listeners feel much closer to him. I know it sounds O.A. but I cried while listening to all those messages and his parting words.

And somehow, I can relate to what he said. About having this detour that took longer than it should because you just loved where you are and you're happy. I was crying not just because I would miss him on air but I was crying for myself as well. I admire him a lot, he's excellent at what he does. And I envy him because he knows what he wants and he had done what he loves and enjoyed it too.

I wish I had that something that I wanted to do that I know that I would regret it later on if I don't do it now. I just hate myself for being so fickle minded and for having this short attention span. Right now I am so focused on one thing and the next minute I have totally forgotten about it.

I have been in one place for too long. I have gotten so comfortable. I know I've got to do something else, I have to grow not just professionally but emotionally as well. I have to expand my horizons and meet new people. I have been planning to do it but I just keep delaying it. And unlike Manong Jude, it's not because I enjoy every minute of my stay - it is because I am too afraid to take risks and to face changes.

I have difficulty making friends. I am not good at small talk and most of the time, if the person is new, I just don't talk when I have nothing witty or important to say. I dread leaving my job because I know it means making new friends and adjusting to new people. I know I won't be able to work well if I don't have pals. I might do stupid things and look stupid in front of everyone.

I hope I can have the strength, the determination, and the focus to do what needs to be done. I hope I can gather them soon.

Losing interest?

I am trying my best to achieve my goal of becoming better. I am on that point of my journey of finding the right track once more. I am getting confused and distracted again. Before, it was family issues, now it's Facebook games!

Darn it! I am addicted again. I seriously want to stop but I can't.

Okay, I'll admit it. I am tired. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. These games I am playing is my only form of relaxation. It's pathetic I am aware of that. I have stopped crocheting, I even write rarely and the books I have been reading are now done. There were so many times that I have wondered what is wrong with me.

I easily lose interest. I am like a kid with ADD. I am addicted to something now, and I mean really addicted and in a few weeks, I don't even want to think about it.

Just like my goal of being better. I used to be so obsessed about it that I would religiously jot down all the steps I am making. Now - I seldom think about it.

Maybe I am just exhausted. I hope I will get my mojo back.

Some Things High School Taught Me. (part one)

I was just reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" and it kinda make me think about high school. You see, the setting is the 90's and that was when I spent my high school and college years. The pop culture of that time was very prominent in the novel and I really can't help but remember those tumultuous years called adolescence.

I enjoyed high school, I really did and I could say that even if many moments were painful to recall, there were more fun moments I love going back to. I have learned a lot in those four years and I will try to list down some of the biggest ones.

1. Kissing Ass, though despicable, is necessary for success - I had this Values Education teacher once who always gave me low grades. All my academic subjects are not lower than 85 and she would give me like 82 or 81. Then it came to a point when I was on the verge of getting a line of 7. A friend advised me that for her to give me good grades, I should try kissing her big fat ass by carrying her bags and volunteering to assist her from time. Good thing I listened because, the next grading period, she gave me 90. =)

2. Respect is something to be earned and not imposed on people - this is a cliche but I had teachers who just walk into the room and we know we couldn't play with their heads and there are those who do everything they could but we simply ignored.

3. Not everything is as exciting as they seem - we all can't wait to reach the right age for alcohol and to be allowed inside bars and r-18 movies. We would lie and sneak out and discover that alcohol makes one puke, bars are so noisy, and r-18 movies are not as fun as the stupid ordinary teen movies.

4. Cheating is bad even if you don't get caught - there were subjects I hated studying. To pass, I would copy my friends' answers during exams. However, taking the college entrance tests made me realize that I needed to learn those boring things even if I weren't aiming to be a doctor or mathematician. The point is what I learn is more important than the grades I see in my cards.

5. Friendship is important - do I need to explain? Some of my best buddies are the ones I met way back in high school. If you haven't kept a friend or two from your high school days, it's either you had lousy friends or you are lousy at keeping friends.

6. Your family is not the antagonist in your story - even if they can't understand you or they seem to be causing you so much pain, they will always be there even if everyone else leaves you. Of course I am saying this because I have a wonderful family. I know that some of us have dysfunctional ones with crazy parents and lunatic siblings. I cannot blame those who beg to disagree.

7. You are responsible for all your choices - good or bad, you have to take responsibility. as a cousin always said, "buntot mo, hila mo." You stay up late to watch some VHS or read some book, don't hate the world the next day because it's not their fault that you lack sleep.

My eyes are getting heavy at this moment and I cannot add more. Hopefully one of these days I would be able to finish my list.