Holding on to the Feeling

The summer season is about to end.The temperature is more bearable now. Sleeping is such a pleasure. Laziness is a big temptation.

Okay so I promised to fight it with all my might. I am really trying but as cliche as it may sound, I am only human. The bed is so cozy and the feel of the air from the electric fan is like a lullaby. I overslept and for a week now, I am late for work. I will change my habits, that's for sure. I just indulged before I finally say goodbye.

Things will be in their right places soon. I am both excited and nervous. I want to keep feeling this way because the boredom that I suffered from the past few years is something that I don't want to feel again. I want to constantly feel that I am heading for something. I hate the feeling of uselessness and stupidity.

The future will be good. Yes it will be.

The Sway

I am swaying again.

After all those "fighting" attitude, my lazy hormones are kicking in once again and I am not sure how long I can hold on. but I will fight it. If I had to, I would do cartwheels and vertical flips just to keep my blood flowing and stamp the word DETERMINATION in my heart. I have done about a quarter of the things that I need to do. There's still a lot that needs to be done. Hopefully, I would have established my routing before the 17th and I wouldn't have to cram and feel that I have not been accomplishing anything. I really hope that I can make this year my best. I hope I can accomplish all my goals and reach all my targets.

If I am being swayed without wind blowing, how else can I remain standing when it finally blows?

I need a firmer foundation. I need guidance from above. =) I also need to surround myself with productive people. I need to hold on to something as solid as my family. This is the battle plan.

BANZAI!!!

Moving and Changing

I was arranging the old cards earlier when I realized how long I have been with our school. The familiar names of the kids and the funny memories with each batch made me smile while as I finish my task. The name of the teachers made me sigh though. Some of them I still have contact with, others just got lost along the way.

I was reading the early morning tweets when I saw that Francesca of RX is leaving. Another radio legend is leaving. I just hope Chico and Del would stay longer. If they too leave, radio would come to an end (at least for me).

Francesca and those teachers from the past are all moving on.

I am still in the same place. I've been here since September 2005. I have learned a lot, I changed a lot, I improved a lot in terms of teaching. But in terms of character,uhm, a little I guess.

I don't want to make another declaration.But I do hope that I can gather enough courage to move on. Right now my focus is on equipping myself with necessary skills and improving my talents. Only when I am sure that I am ready for battle will I leave my sanctuary and face the much bigger world.

Hoping to Hold on to Hope

I don't know why I suddenly thought of an old fling. The last time I saw him was almost 12 years ago. The last time I thought about him was when FB was just beginning. I saw his profile, learned that he's already married and has a daughter. I visited his profile again and checked out his friends. Funny but I realized how small our world is when I saw that I have common friends with several of his friends.

Anyway, I don't feel anything about him anymore. It's just feels good to look back and see that one can still live after going through one sided love.

You see it's the kind of love that is much harder to get over with since you are already used to loving that person and bearing the pain of him not loving you back. Even if that person falls in love with someone else, it will be easy for you to take the pain because, well, you're used to it. It's the kind of love that never thinks of oneself which makes it dangerous if allowed to last for very long.

I have loved this way countless times before but I am not an expert on it yet (but I have no intention of being one). I would love to fall for somebody who would love me first because I am not a very confident person. I want a person who can make me feel secure and assure me that I will be his only one.

When will the ONE for me come? When will he find me? The wait is getting lonelier each day.

I hope I can still hold on to this hope I am feeling.

Resolved!

I saw an old colleague of mine in FB and added her. Though she is one of those people who remind me of something awful in the past, I added her for the sake of friendship and moving on. It turned out to be a good decision because I learned that the scandal that I was involved in about eight years ago was resolved. MY NAME WAS CLEARED! Woohoo!!!

God makes ways when truth is on your side. I was put in a very bad place and accused of something that I did not do. I am very grateful that the truth came out even if I was not there to personally hear it. I was given justice.

But I just hope that the real culprit learned her lesson. I wish that she is living well and have contemplated on the consequences of her actions. I hope that she had moved on. I have forgiven her even before I knew who she was in the first place.

I must continue with my journey as well. I have looked back and reconciled with my past. It is time to get to know my future.

Whatever it is

I'm currently in a very optimistic mood.

I hope I can hold on to this for the rest of my life. I just feel like good things are coming and better stuff are to be expected. I am full of plans, full of dreams. I seem to have forgotten the boredom I felt the past few weeks. I am actually looking forward to the days to come.

Is it the sausages I just ate? Or the iced tea I just drank?

Whatever it is, I am glad that I am like this now.

Vacation time is almost over. Work is now calling me and now I am asking for determination and motivation to do what I have long wanted to do.

I want to work hard and not be satisfied by mediocre outcomes. I want to overcome my laziness and be more creative. I want to be more of an extrovert and learn how to deal with different kinds of people. I want to overcome my insecurities while at the same time keeping both feet on the ground.

I have long been aware of the things I need to do to reach my dreams. But my lack of courage, over realism, and laziness have prevented me from going far. I take small, easy steps but once trial comes my way, I easily give up. When temptation comes, I easily get swayed. When laziness comes, I easily give in.

How long have I kept this blog? My personal battle has been longer.

I am tired of whining about it, I try to just forget about it, but I really have to do it.

The Kiss that set it Off

I just love the story of Itazura na Kiss!

I have watched the Taiwanese, Korean, and now the new Japanese version. The characters are very endearing. Though the lead girl is annoying and stupidly cute - i just love her. I love it when she works hard and how she focuses on what she really wants.Though I hate it when she is only fixated on her love when there are other aspects of her life that she needs to give attention to.

Anyway, at some point in my life I was like that as well.When you're in love,you tend to lose yourself in the process. The good thing with her is that her efforts paid off and the love of her life loved her back. And if the guy did not love her back, she could proudly say that she did everything she could.

I really miss falling in love.

Well, good thing these dramas are here to remind me.=)

Rolling Stone

Precious free time.

I am going to enjoy another week of it because starting next month it's going to be work, work, and work again. Not that I am complaining, really. The past few days I have been thinking really hard and now I could say that I know the value of my work, not only personally but it's social relevance as well. I know that in the next few days I would be complaining again but it won't be the same. Those complaints will come to pass because I am more aware of my reality now.

I think too much, I over analyze situations, I can't let go of my ideals but I am very much aware of what happens in reality. I am so full of contradictions and the chaos of my mind is making my life's journey very shaky.

At this moment, I am confused.

Just like before when I was much younger, I wanted to accomplish so many things but I lack the discipline and the motivation to do them. My father had always told me that "rolling stones gather no moss." I understood what it meant but I can only feel it in my reality now.

I hope I can stop rolling for now and gather enough moss before I start rolling in another direction again.

Summer classes are about to end! Yahoo!!!

I can watch all the Korean and Japanese dramas I like. I can write nonsense things. I can start a new cooking and/or crochet project as well. I can clear my mind until I need to start thinking of the next school year and my rants about my life and how it is not going anywhere.

What do I really want anyway? Why am I so desperate for wealth and fame? Is this the right attitude? Is this the way to motivate myself?

I was taking a Facebook quiz two days ago and I laughed so hard at the result. It said that I am talented but unmotivated. How true is that? 101%!

What is the cure for laziness?

Haist!

Pressure...

Again. I am putting myself under pressure.

I have been too relaxed, too lazy and now time is running out again. The buzzer beater in me is fueled. The summer is almost over and I haven't been to the beach!

This will be my first year of a beachless summer. Last year, the teachers and I went to Subic at least. There was no beach party for my gay friends. This year, they will go to the beautiful Calaguas island but the time is in conflict with my work schedule and my budget is almost out.

But perhaps, the reason for this is because I was not able to prepare for it. I did not stick to my diet and I did not start my exercise regimen. Perhaps if I can lose weight, I might be able to go to Boracay on sembreak even if it is freezing cold and the party peeps are not there. As long as I can see sand and waves, I will be very thankful!

So I am putting myself under pressure to lose these bulges around my waistline and aim for a bikini perfect body before this year ends.

I can do this! Fighting!!!