Not as Charmed as the Others but Special in its Own Way

Thank God for holidays.

I was able to rest well and even spend some time with my Mom and Jane. We went to the night market and ate out. I really want to lose weight and start dieting but I guess it's just not the right time. We bond over food and enjoy it. I will start dieting but I have to really plan it out.

I wasn't able to watch Ninja Assassin. I can't seem to find my copy. Well, there's a lot of other things to watch. I am not tired of Rain yet and I have no plans of letting go of this infatuation just yet. I still like Hyun Bin but I like Rain more now. I just go all crazy when I watch him dance.

I'm actually smiling like an idiot right now. I like the feeling. It's like having a crush on the campus heart throb. I don't know, it's no different with what I felt with Hyun Bin but it's just nicer.

Anyway, I was planning to buy a blouse but as it is, it is always so hard for me to get the right size these days. Besides, I don't want to buy at the night market hence I end up wearing the same clothes as everyone else. I want to buy a pair of shoes. All of my old ones are starting to smile at me. Maybe that's what I'll do tomorrow.

My life is as normal as it can be right now. I can't say I'm happy but I'm not sad either. It's still boring but when I see my mom smiling and my sisters' lives are going good - I feel good too. Things will change soon I know. Maybe I'll get married or change my line of work but as long as my family is doing fine, I'll feel good. I have made so many stupid mistakes in my life but I must have done something right to deserve such people.

Nah! I'm getting all dramatic now. But really, I am thankful. I miss my friends still but I'm not up to meeting them right now. This long weekend is for me and my family. Christmas season is around the corner anyway and the parties will come one after another. I'll see them and be with them soon. But for now, I'll just save up stories to tell when we see each other.

I maybe a nobody and my life maybe boring. I may not find my name on Time's list of influential people who shape the world but I am trying to shape my own universe the best way that I can. I once hear someone say that there are no ordinary people, all of us live a special life. My world is special in its own way. Not everyone is welcome but if you really want to, you can take a peek and be charmed. =)

I will

Yehey!!! Long weekend coming up!

I can get enough of Rain till I drop. I got myself a copy of Ninja Assassin and though my friend Jingle said that it's too violent and the reviews are not so good either, I'll be watching it and seeing it for myself.

I had a very relaxing time with the teachers We had a foot spa, a manicure, pedicure and some paraffin treatment. It was nice and I hope we could do this more often. The pictures are out and I was finally able to upload one on FB. My angles are not so good. I really have to lose weight huhuhu

I am trying to upload one of the pictures but Google is not helping me out right now. One of these days, I will upload one.

I just want a nice, relaxing weekend. I'll pamper myself and beautify myself more. But I really have to finalize my fitness plan. I don't want to be depressed every time pictures come out. No matter how good I look, I can't get past the fact that my face is too big and my neck is too wide and the clothes I wear do not fit me the way I want them. I really hate feeling this way. I don't like putting myself down. The more I dwell in self pity, the more I eat and the cycle goes on and on.

The only solution is to lose weight. I can do it. And I will do it.

Smile, Smile, Smile!

I'm actually happy today.

I bought new shades! =) They look good on me and I feel cool wearing them. We had our picture taken and I was able to follow the photographer's instructions. I think the pictures look great. Rich said I look beautiful today and even my other students said so. The red lipstick really does the trick. And I just love itttttt!!!

And yes. I watched Rain's Rainism and Love Story Videos, 4 times today. He is just so hot doing all those dance moves. Waaahhhh!!! I really like him. I am so stupid for not watching him in Manila two years ago. I was not this crazy for him then and honestly I was laughing at people who are so crazy about K-Pop. I said, why listen when you can't even understand a word. But now here I am, eating my words again. Now, I can't even admit it to Chez that I am so crazy for all these Korean actors. Gladys is the only one who understands. We are both in love with Rain.

But I am rushing right now because I have to meet a deadline. I don't have my journal yet, agenda for the meeting, circular 2 for Christmas and pointers for the long test. aaaarrrrgggghhhh... To top it all, I am actually feeling sleepy. What to do? What now?!

No need to panic, when I'm done with this, I can actually enjoy the long weekend coming. smile, smile, smile Jill. Keep this happiness in your heart and you'll be prettier everyday. =)

A Few Thoughts

There is really something wrong with me.

I'm over Hyun Bin but this time I am oh so crazy for RAIN!!!

I just can't help it. He's so hot especially when he's dancing. I'm going insane!!! He's not drop dead gorgeous. Not as handsome as Hyun Bin or Zo Insung but he's got this appeal that is oh so hard to resist. Huwaahhhh!!! If I am competing against the whole Korean female population and some Japanese and Chinese females for Hyun Bin and Zo Insung, I am competing against the world's female population with Rain. Even the oh so hot Megan Fox noticed him.

Bwahahaha I am making myself laugh all over again.

I know, I know it will be over soon. I guess until I find myself a new crush or my real dream guy comes along. Like in the past, I would just enjoy the moment. Besides he's in the military. There's no news about him. Well, the last I heard he underwent some surgery. I hope he's fine and he can still do those hot moves that makes ladies - young and old alike - go gaga over him.

So anyway, it's not a big deal. But right now, this is one of the most tiring weeks of my life. We will have our class picture taking tomorrow, LSGH exams, journal deadlines, LP deadlines, monthly meeting, aaarrrrgggghhhh I am going crazy. I think I deserve another round of a sixteen hour sleep.

I am not so bored anymore. But I miss Adie and Yayin. I miss my friends too. I want to spend a quiet evening of good conversation with Gladys and Ana. I also want to share a few drinks with the gays while singing and sharing silly, stupid stories. I kinda want to spend another mall afternoon with Jingle and the teachers. I can't just wait for Mr. Right to pop in our house right? I should get out, make myself findable.

Right now, Rain makes me smile and it's good. But I hope when the infatuation is gone, I could continue to smile for other reasons. I love being happy and I hope I would always be. =)

Blue Again

I slept all day. Literally.

I slept at 4 a.m. and woke up at 8 p.m. Sixteen hours. Good thing I move a lot because they would've thought I was dead if I didn't. I didn't even wake up to eat or to urinate. Geez!

And when I sleep that long, I usually feel that I have missed a lot. But this time, it's not the case. I just felt a little heavy a while a go and my tongue seems too thick so I had to brush my teeth repeatedly. But I didn't feel that bad. Well, I feel bad about not being able to attend mass but generally I feel okay. My big problem now is tomorrow, how do I conserve my remaining energy without catching a wink at work. The kids will be a handful and the tutorials will be longer than usual.

My life, though peaceful, is not really right. This is such a boring existence. I haven't been in touch with my friends. All I do is watch Korean dramas and write nonsense things. I can do my job with my eyes closed. The only people I interact with are work colleagues and my family.

I always say it's okay. It's not that I am complaining. I am really okay with this but I can't help but be bored. I want to, no, I need to be excited again, to have something to look forward to. I am not even excited about Christmas. There is really something wrong with me.

Maybe I'll just take a bath and wash these blues away.

Wedding Mania

I was watching the Zoren-Carmina wedding earlier with my cousins. We are all in tears from the moment Zoren proposed until the time he recited his vows. My cousins all have their respective partners now. I am the only single lady watching but I cried the least. Maybe because all of them are expecting that kind of wedding from their spouses. They are crying for a missed chance, their tears are tears of regret while me, I don't have a partner yet, my tears were tears of hope.

True love really exists. Who knows if that marriage would last forever or only for a moment but at this moment, it is real. It is apparent at the eyes of the newlyweds. The way they look at each other speaks a thousand words. To be honest, I am not crazy for crying guys. But the groom's tears as he speaks and the way his hands shake were so touching. You could see the sincerity and the love.

They say that Zoren changed the expectations of women when it comes to their own weddings. Perhaps that's true. But I guess, most of us would agree that it's not about the cost or the luxury of the wedding. What many of us want, what many women will demand for is more dedication and participation from men. The groom went out of his way to plan and make sure that the details are set.

As for me, I'm not really the type to want a grand wedding. I can get married on a post-it like Meredith Grey and derek Shephard as long as the guy I am going to marry is my ideal.

RainLady's Rebirth

I have a new crush! Actually an old crush came back -

It's Rain!

Yeah! "My Name is Rain" even the foxy Megan Fox wasn't able to resist his charms. bwahahahaha

He's not your conventional handsome guy. Actually he's not handsome. Not like Hyun Bin or Zo Insung. But he's oozing with sex appeal. Nah! It's not that I want t take his clothes off and get down and dirty with him. He's got this unexplainable magnetic appeal that the more you watch him, the more you look at him, the more you want to eat him. OOOOOPPPPPSSSS!!!!

Maybe it's his height and the way he wears these garish clothes that would look better in a parrot. He is a total eye candy. Come to think about it, I might resurrect my chat persona. I used to call myself RainLady back in the days when mirc was fun and I have a lot of boytoys around me.

Unfortunately, like hyun bin, he is in the military right now. Hyun Bin will be out a few weeks from now but I have no news as to when Rain would go out. Maybe I should find out. hehehe. He's been here in the country and a lot of ladies came to see him. Even hot local female celebrities went out of their way. Unfortunately, their efforts were futile. He's destined to be mine. bwahahahahaha

Come on! I know it's not real. He's another dream but at least I am not so focused on Hyun Bin anymore. I hope it's really over because it's really not good for me. When I get to a point when I am so gaga for Rain, I'll find another crush.

I'll act like a crazy sixteen year old fan girl until I find Mr. Right.

Crushes Round up

I have been crazy for Hyun Bin for the past few weeks. Okay it's close to a month. He will be released from the military soon and I can't wait to see him act again. I was crazy for Zo In sung a few months back. I heard he's shooting a drama with Hyun Bin's ex. I'm also excited to watch it. I watched all of his movies already so it would be refreshing to watch a new one.

The new season of "Criminal Minds" is currently showing in the States. I often get updates from the whole cast's twitter accounts. I'm not so crazy for Matthew Gray-Gubler as I used to. I wasn't able to watch Joseph Gordon-Levitt's Looper but I loved him in the last installment of Batman. There's no news about James Franco but I heard he's dating some young actress. I haven't watched the last installment of Twilight but I'm not so excited anymore because Jackson Rathbone is a father now and he seems happy with his relationship.

My love life is really pathetic.

But I think I'll be fine. I'll just work until I drop and things will come to pass. I'll concentrate on losing weight and make myself prettier everyday. Hyun Bin will be a distant dream and my Mr. Right will be so near. I just have to be patient and be happy at the thought that my heart is still in its right place. The hurts and pains of the past have not hardened my heart and I am not bitter. I still believe in love and I can still dream no matter how impossible they may be.

Missing the Beach

It just occurred to me - I haven't been to the beach this year. And I really want to go swimming and be fried under the sun and roll in white sand and feel those gentle waves and listen to the wind whispering in my ear.

I wish I could go before saying goodbye to 2012. I don't care if I can't wear my bikini, I have a built in lifebuoy on my waist anyway. bwahahaha

Be Brave Jill. Be Brave.

I haven't written about it but I asked for a sign not too long ago as to what course of action should I take for next year. I think I got it but my hands are shaking and I am being held back by all these fears. I want to do this but I can't gather enough courage to take even just one step.

So now I am praying. Hoping that I could accept His plan and do what needs to be done. Not only for myself but for my family as well. It would be one of the biggest steps in my career as a teacher. Right now, I am still trying to appease my heart. There's nothing to think about because I am sure that this is for the best. If only I could feel brave in a snap, I would. But this is just me - a coward. And change is my biggest fear.

I know I really need this. I am bored to death by my existence. I am living like the countless nobodies in this world. It's time to make my star shine. Perhaps if I take this step, fate will give me that man I want to spend the rest of my life with - Hyun Bin bwahahahahahahaha.

No. I'm just making myself laugh. I am fully as in 100% aware that it is impossible to even have a glimpse of him in real life. Just like Leonardo di Caprio who inspired me almost my entire college life, there is no way that our paths would cross. I am in my thirties now and I know better. Even with the amazing technologies we use everyday, a distant star like Hyun Bin is out of reach. I am just a fan and I know my place. It's useless to go on pining for it.

I guess I'll just go for Kim Rae-won. bwahahahaha

Nah! Being crazy for all these celebrities is fun. But I am aware of reality and all these craziness will pass when I see the a new, more interesting guy. I have been like this for so long that it has become a vicious cycle. I wasn't like this when I was with my ex. When we were together I don't even notice a hot guy sitting beside me. I only had eyes for him. Too bad he didn't see it that way.

But it's all in the past now. I must admit I was happy in that relationship. I learned a lot, I grew a lot. But that's life. Some good things are really not meant to last. I have forgiven him and I don't feel anything at all for him right now I can't even smile at the good memories or get mad at the bad ones. It's like an old movie that I enjoyed but have no plans of watching again.

I guess I just have to sleep now and have a good rest. Maybe I'll see Hyun Bin in my dreams and be braver when I wake up.

Seriously

Gaaahhhh!!!

Why oh why is it hard to lose weight? I can't find the time to exercise and I always want to eat everything in sight. It's as if my mouth is yearning to taste all kinds of taste. It's as if the more I want to stop myself, the more it gets tempting. Why are good things so hard to do?

So anyway, I was so late this morning. Partly it is my fault but mostly it was because of the terrible traffic. It's getting more terrible everyday so I have to leave earlier. It's not that I can't, it's just that I like sitting around and doodling before going out. My hands are full right now and I still haven't started. I can't come up with a decent folk dance for the Christmas program and I can't even write a draft for the script. It's just so frustrating. I'm running out of ideas because my head is filled up with Hyun Bin! bwahahaha

Seriously, it's not Hyun Bin. I want to stop blaming him for messing my head. It's just me and my mood swings. I think I am manic depressive or perhaps my hormones are not right. But I think it's just me. It's not that I am not trying. I am really trying my best to do my job well but when I look at my payslip and long for those shoes and bags - I get frustrated and I end up venting my frustration on my work.

Maybe my passion is not that great or I don't have any at all. I'm just not like everyone else. I can't find that thing I am really passionate about. I like teaching, I do like writing but I can't say I love them that I can leave everything else just to pursue them.

Maybe that is what I need to do right now. Find the thing that makes my heart beat so fast that I am willing to give up everything I worked for. Maybe it's Hyun Bin! Bwahahahaha

Seriously...I need to find it.

Ranting and Whining (Again)

I was looking back at my blog entries a while ago and I realized that I have written so much more in the past months compared to the last two years. I don't know, maybe it's because I have my own laptop now or because my internet connection is much better or simply because I am more bored than ever.

I haven't seen the gays since September. I was with Gladys a few weeks back and I text Ana from time to time. I even chat with Leah and Jingle and I work in the same place. Anyway, I think even if I see them more often, I would be writing as much. This emotional turmoil I am going through is not something easily discussed with friends. Imagine how funny it sounds when a thirty-four year old single lady says, "guys, I'm in love with a Korean superstar." That will stick until I get old and it would be the topic of jokes for the rest of my life. So, no can do. I'd rather put it here where nobody close to me can read it.

I know this is not normal and I am aware that I am acting like a pyscho. I watched too much "Criminal Minds" to be aware that this is how an obsessive stalker starts out and I am afraid to turn out like that. I really hope I can find a real, touchable, reachable person like my crushes so that even if they invade my thoughts day in and day out, it would still be normal.

Funny dream I had last night. I was hugging a friend tightly and we ended up kissing but it didn't send butterflies or any ripples in my heart. I just felt blah at the thought of that dream coming true. He's a real, touchable, reachable person but I don't want to be with him. He's boring and immature and corny. We used to play around like that, we do hug each other tightly in real life and he stole a few kisses on my cheeks but never once did magic happen when our eyes meet. We always end up laughing and saying nonsense things to each other. Besides, he calls me "ate." I believe he is in a relationship with someone now and I was so happy when I heard about it. And up to now I wish they'll get married soon so that he can have a better direction in life.

I want someone new. Someone who can excite me, someone I want to get to know better. A person who will challenge me to be better. Why in the world is it so hard to meet new people these days? Where is my Kim Joo Won or Mark Darcy or Hyun Jin-heon or Jeong Jae-min or even Song Sam dong? Why in the world is he taking so long? It's tiring and boring to wait. Should I just give up?

Big Bwahahahahahahaha

I want to go bwahahahahaha out loud. As in LOL!

I revisited my first blog entry of 2012 and I realized that I was not able to do all my resolutions. bwahahahahaha

Well,I started some of them. But my mood changes so easily and my hormones are not helping. So I completed about 25% of each task. Or maybe it was 10%. Okay! Closer to 7%. No matter how I try to analyze why I can't keep promises, I really can't find the reason. Is is lack of discipline? Or lack of motivation? Or am I naturally lazy?

Anyway, it was just funny because I read how crazy I was for Dr. Spencer Reid earlier this year. This is exactly what I am feeling for Hyun Bin now. I am fighting the urge to send an e-mail or join a fan club. Because when all this ends - I might regret it. I need to see beyond their good looks and the characters they portray and focus on the fact that they are humans and they have their own lives to live as well.

I will be moving on. Yes I will be. I need to be. Perhaps, a year from now, I would be doing the big bwahahaha once I read this one.

Thoughts

Aaaarrrggghhh!!! Back to the real world tomorrow and I am not up to it.

Again- I am feeling so lazy. I just want to lie down a little bit longer and watch more Korean things or read a good book or continue with my writing. It's still as bad as before but I'll just let my thoughts flow. No time for unnecessary self criticism. The thing is I slept at 10 am this morning and I had a mean headache when I woke up. The uploading of pics in FB took 8 hours. My internet is really something huh?!

Anyway, I stopped watching "Secret Garden" for now. I'm watching "My Name is Kim Sam Soon" again. I am not in the mood to try something new so I'm back to my old comfort zones. Who knows? I might watch "What Happened in Bali" again.

This is really tiring. The routine. I'd feel better then I'd feel lazy then I'd feel bad then I'd be better again. This cycle is making me dizzy. i have to jump out of the wheel and try another course. Maybe I'll go through a maze with curves and zigzags.

It's actually quite lonely in the house. We are all sad because the kids are leaving. We won't see them for a month or so. It won't be the same without them. But they won't be there for long. They will be back soon I know. It's just sad and we all have to adjust to a new routine.

I really have to concentrate on work and be back in this reality. I may not like a few things but there are more things to be thankful about. I live a quiet life. It may be boring but it is peaceful. I may be missing out on a lot of things that women my age are experiencing but at least I don't have to deal with the complicated problems that they are facing everyday.

Hurry up Bridget!

Darn! I'm so excited again!

Bridget Jones will make a come back! Woohoo!!!

Yes, she is my idol. Though I am not as stupid or accident prone like her, we are basically going through the same tough time. Losing weight, quitting cigarettes and finding that man.

I haven't read any of the newspaper columns but I did watch the two films and was able to read the second one. I had my Daniel Cleaver, hopefully I'll have my Mark Darcy. I hope Ms. Fielding did not get rid of them.

Anyway, I can't wait. Yey!

Hmmm... Sooo... Still

I am a bit excited because my chick lit wannabe taking form. I am still stuck on the conflict part but the story is much clearer now.

But I am a bit sad today. This Hyun Bin Film, "Come Rain,Come Shine" is the culprit. It's so depressing. I think that guy needs some lessons in anger management. It was boring till the end but I cannot stop watching it. It's so effin' real. This is what I have been fearing. My insistence on making fiction realistic really won't do. It will be as boring as this. And only great actors like Hyun Bin and Lim Soo-Jung can pull this kind of thing off. It was as if I can see a friend or an acquaintance onscreen. It's like watching a hidden camera installed in a neighbor's house!

I need to wash off this gloominess because it won't help in my chick lit.

I loved Hyun Bin more in this film. Gaaahhh!!! I wish I could find something that will make him look stupid or unattractive. Why is he so hot? Darn! Sometimes I want to it my head on the wall or something.

Hyun Bin Insanity - Please be Over!

What to do? What to do?

I am still thinking of Hyun Bin and his oh so hotness! bwahahahaha I am insane, I really am. It's Hyun Bin day in and day out. Even during the field trip I was staring at his handsome face on my phone. Darn! Where is my own Kim Joo Won?

What I feel will soon pass I know. I was this crazy for Matthew Gray Gubler once. I also felt this way for James Franco and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Then before Hyun Bin there was Zo Insung and Lee Min-ki. I just hope it will be over soon you know. Because I really want to live normally. That is, the way I usually am.

I have a boring life. I live to work, I work to live. I meet with friends once in a while, I ogle at guys in the mall if they are really cute and all. I live in an alternate universe whenever I want to.

The only good thing this craziness for Hyun Bin does to me is that I am actually inspired to write again. I have written two flash fictions and I am currently brainstorming a novel. The lead guy is a bit like Kim Joo Won and Hyun Jin-heon but not as obnoxious. The female is more Sam Soon than Ra-im but more hopeless romantic and smarter. I am still thinking of a good conflict. A monster mom is out of the picture - I want mothers to be perfect. A scheming bitch for an ex is more likely but that's too cliche. I already have internal conflicts. I just want something a bit unrealistic but very likely to happen. And I don't want overly dramatic scenarios and ultra-cheesy lines. I want this to be a certified chick lit.

Anyway, I am getting pissed off because it's taking forever to upload the pictures. I want to change my profile and cover photos in FB. I had some good shots. To be honest, they're not so good but I like them.

AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!! Hyun Bin! Aren't you tired? You've been running in my thoughts since this morning!

This too shall pass. Yes it will. It will be over soon. I'll meet a real man. Flesh and blood and Hyun Bin will just be what he had always been - a dream.

I'm going back to my chick lit. It will be so good I'll stop thinking of Hyun Bin. =)

This and That

My Goodness!

Lee Min Ho is in the Philippines. I just watched the local news and he seems so unreal. He is so handsome! No wonder my fellow Filipinas are screaming their lungs out. it seems that all women from all walks of life took their time to check out this demigod who is currently visiting the country.

But I still Like Hyun Bin more. I wish he'll visit here too. He's like the hottest guy in Korea now and he's making his name in China. I bet I'm not the only one crazy about him in this country since "Secret Garden" and "My Name is Kim Sam Soon" were huge hits here as well.

Anyway, it our field trip today. The kids had fun but I didn't enjoy it much. I was dead tired when I got home. I just woke up and saw Min Ho on TV. I am currently uploading pictures now.

I don't really know but my mood is just so-so today. I'm still crazy for Hyun Bin that's for sure and I am still planning on having another run at SeGa. I will try to watch "Come Rain, Come Shine" but I was a bit bored on the first part. Basing on the synopsis, it would be boring until the end but let's see if I could get a feel of the emotions that the movie is trying to convey. "Late Autumn" is intriguing but I cannot find a stream with English subs yet. Majority of the lines were spoken in English and I can understand the accents but there are lines spoken in Korean and Chinese so I still can't figure out the whole story.

I don't want to start watching his dramas because it would take a long time. I still have a lot of other romcoms lined up.

Yes! I still am waiting for that man. I have no idea when he will come but I know he will come. Patience is a virtue. I'll hold on to that.

Mushier by the Second

You see a gorgeous guy across the room. You try to appear as if you're not interested But in the corner of your mind you're wishing that he would look your way. You become conscious of your every move. You think of a way to get his attention without being too obvious. Your heart skips a beat every time there's a very slim indication that he recognizes your existence.

It has been so long since I felt this way.

I have been in love with celebrities lately that I haven't paid attention to the guys around me. It's so hard to live this way. You have a dream guy but you know that they are just that - a dream. You can't have them in this reality.

I really wish I will have that man in my life. The man who would make me look forward to each new day. A man who would confuse me and send butterflies to my stomach. That man who would make me smile just because he was able to make me surrender. That person that I would desperately want to take care of.

Haaaayyyy!!! What is it about this day? I am getting more mushy than a wet sponge.

I think I have to stop watching these romantic films. Maybe I should pay more attention to gangster and mobster films or those artsy thingies.

Well, tomorrow is our field trip and we have to be there by 6 in the morning. Gaaahhhh!!! As if I could wake up that early. But I have to be there. Hay.

I'll just sleep. I hope I'll see my dream guy there or something.

Floating In and Out of Consciousness

I love holding warm coffee cups. It makes me feel warm inside out, similar to holding a lover's hand. Sometimes, it is nice to just sit beside that someone, with intertwined fingers, no need for words or even a romantic setting. Just the fact that you are with someone you want to be with, the only person in the world who makes you feel that you are the most important thing in the universe.

Why in the planet am I so cheesy in the middle of the day?

I think I am so eager to fall in love right now that I can't think of anything else. I am trying to work but, it's just so boring.

To be honest, I am fighting off the urge to close my eyes. My eyelids are drooping and coffee is not helping. Haaaayyyyy!!!!

Maybe I'll stay awake if I stare at this while working.

Okay! Go! Go! Go!

Two lesson plans, one worksheet, and six reviewere to go. Thanks Hyun Bin! =)

The Answer

It is the middle of the week again. In a few days it will be over and another boring week passed by. It's okay, I can always look forward to better things. Shopping season will soon begin and it will be fun, fun, fun!

I'm having a hard time dieting. Hay! Temptation is just about anywhere. There are so many yummy and mouth watering foods around. My willpower is not as strong as I want it to be. huhuhu

But I won't give up now. Even if the Christmas season is just around the corner. There will be more food and some booze with all those parties lined up. I will make sure I watch what I eat. It won't be easy but it's worth the efforts and the sacrifice. As I said, I want to gain back the confidence I had before. Things will be good. Things will be better. As always, I am hopeful.

I just watched another Hyun Bin film. It was not good but his acting as usual is at its best. Unfortunately, the story line is just blah. Good thing he's a great actor that you won't care about the inconsistent plot and the corny scenes. Even so, there were funny and touching scenes so I would say that I was a bit entertained.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!! I really have a big crush on Hyun Bin. Why else would I tolerate such a film? I am also excited for his release from the military. And I am thinking of a way to fly to Korea just to see him in person. THIS IS INSANE!!!

I really need to find something else to do, I need to have something to fill my time with apart from watching films and dramas and surfing the net. I need a distraction. I need a real man I could have a crush on. Well, Hyun Bin is real but I need a reachable man. Someone I can talk to and laugh with and if God allows it, kiss and hug and hold hands with.

I am afraid that if I continue dwelling on my infatuation with Hyun Bin, I will always compare men with the characters he played on the screen. I don't want that to happen. Though I am having fun and my heart just goes all gooey with all these fantasies - I don't want to lose touch with the world I am living in.

WORK - yes. It is always the answer. =)

Another One

It's Jackie's birthday.We celebrated, the kids had fun. I think she did too. We are all thankful that she's happy and healthy. I hope God will look after her and bless her and I hope her relationship with my Mom as well as her so called husband's will be good. With me, we're okay as long as she and Mom are okay.

Nothing much happened today. I was trying to control my appetite but since there is another occasion, it was a bit hard. But I won't let that stop me. I am still determined.

I am still thinking of Hyun Bin and his oh so hotness. I am still in love with Kim Joo Won but I don't want him to be mine. He belongs to Gil Ra-im and I would fight anyone who would go in between. bwahahaha

See how pathetic my so-called social and love lives are? I can only smile and laugh at myself. Maybe this is why I can't right a decent novel. I am my biggest critic. I always insist on making things realistic. But if all those stories I like are realistic, then it must be as boring as this. Hay! I have an unbelievable imagination but I can't seem to organize them and put them down on paper.

My next goal is to write my own, original, full-length novel. That is like one of my biggest dreams.

Yes. That's what i'll do, I'll try starting.

Mondays and Dieting

Mondays! haaayyy! Mondays!

A lot of people are cranky on this day. Myself included at times. This Monday is a wee bit different because I like it. I think I was able to achieve most of my goals and amazed myself at how well things work out as long as I put my heart and soul into it.

It wasn't much but I feel good nevertheless. I can stop thinking of Hyun Bin if I keep working like this. I feel inspired and I think I am gaining my mojo back. I'm trying to read the signs that God has been giving me. And I am feeling that good vibe.

I will admit this now though I think I have mentioned it here before. I really want to lose weight. I want to try diet and exercise and stop looking for the easiest way to do it.

I was a bit embarrassed to acknowledge that I really want this because I would like to hold on to my principle that a girl's beauty and happiness does not solely rely on how small her waistline is. So when they ask me if I am trying to lose weight, I would fervently deny it. But the thing is, I really can't help but notice how ugly I look with all these budges.

I want to feel better about myself and be able to wear the clothes I like. I want to run around on the beach in a bikini and not care who is looking at me. I want to wear those dresses and walk around without thinking that I looked like someone who is about to give birth.

I just want to feel and know that I am pretty - inside and out.

Thinking Again

I am easily affected by things. I get angry at nonsense things. I cry at the smallest things. I get offended for other people's sake.

I am just not the type to show it to other people.

When there are a lot of witnesses, I divert everything to humor. I try to find something funny in a very serious situation and laugh it off hoping to save face and solve the problem at hand.

But when I am alone - I express myself freely.

I scream when I am angry, I cry when I am sad, I laugh out loud when I am happy. If people happen to see me in this state - they would think I am crazy. But I really don't care as long as I am not aware that they are around.

I am shy this way. People do not believe me and they laugh when I say I am the shy type. But really, I am. Maybe this is why I didn't enter show business when I was young and pretty LOL. Seriously, maybe this is why i don't have a lot of friends and the prospect of meeting new people is as scary as hell.

But I do need to expand my horizons and get out of my shell. I have to get out of my comfort zone and see the world. I hope I'll gather enough courage soon. While I am still young and have wider options.

I really wish I could.

Ideal

I'm feeling okay now. My sister returned the adapter and I can watch the streams until my eyes get heavy.

My anger passes as fast as a bullet. Once I have ranted and stomped my feet a couple of times, I'm already okay. I don't hold grudges, it's bad for my health. I easily forgive. Happiness is much better than hatred. I don't want to be bitter.

So right now, I will just focus on this giddiness I feel when watching all these romantic comedies. I want to stay in love with the idea of love and I want to believe that true love exists no matter how far it is.

Right now, I am thinking of my ideal type. They say, that as you grow older, your standards go lower. In my case, I think it's the opposite. My standards are actually higher than let's say five years ago. It was much simpler then, all I want is an average looking guy who would love me like crazy. But now, I am more particular.

I want someone who stands around 6 feet tall, has a lean body - not too thin that looks unhealthy and not too muscular that looks unreal but with chest wide enough to make his embrace warm. I really like good dressers. A guy who can carry a coat and tie or a glittering track suit or a pair of jeans with tattered shirt. (Yeah! Yeah! I am thinking of Hyun Bin right now.) What I mean is I like someone who can wear any type of clothing and still look good enough to eat. Ooooopppsss! And I am a sucker for guys who smells good. Those guys with smell that will linger even if they have already left the room. Not the gigolo smell but the fresh scent that would make me want to sniff him until I pass out. bwahahahahahahaha

Seriously, I like tall, lean guys who dresses well, smells good and have a killer smile. I prefer those who rarely smiles but when they do, they can make your world stop spinning for a few seconds. I can clearly remember the first time I saw my college crush, Alex, smile. For a while, the room full of people became so quiet and I can't breathe. I want that moment again.

Character wise, I want an intelligent person. Not necessarily like Einstein but someone with an above average IQ. Someone whom I can learn from but not too intelligent to look down on me or treat me like some moron. I want good conversation and I want someone who can talk to me about anything and everything under the sun. I want a person who can discuss the quantum theories but at the same time laugh with me as I watch my favorite Korean dramas.

I am also looking for a guy with the same taste as I have when it comes to fashion, music, movies, books and other artistic stuff. I am quite sensitive and defensive when I am talking about my favorites. I am not the type to easily accept criticism and I can go on ranting for hours when people can't appreciate them. So if a guy I am dating says that he doesn't read Coelho and thinks that HP sucks, I would be gone faster than lightning.

Family matters a lot to me. I hope to meet a guy who values his family as much as I value mine. I hope that he can meet my family and treat them well and I hope that I can meet his family and they would welcome me with open arms. My mom's easy to please and so are my sisters. As long as they know that I am happy and they are sure that he accepts them as family too, they will accept him as well.

Faith is important too. He doesn't have to be a Roman Catholic but he has to believe in the same God and in Jesus. I didn't know how important this was to me before. I thought it doesn't matter but it's the most basic. A lot of wars have been fought because of religious differences, how much more can a basic relationship endure?

And just like any other girl, I want to be treated like I am the most important thing for him in this world. I want to be taken care of while allowing me to take care of him too. I want to be a bit spoiled but at the same time I want him to make me follow. I don't want a man who will easily give in to me because I want him to make me feel that my welfare is always his priority. I need someone who always tries to make me happy but also knows when to give me a hard time.

A lot of people would raise their eyebrows but I want to be with a rich man. Not solely because of the money but because I believe that a man who is rich worked hard to be where he is. Sure, some of them have just inherited from their parents but it still needs a hardworking person to maintain what he has. A man who has passion and dreams and works hard is a man worth keeping.

Does such a man exists?

Of course! Maybe just not in this reality.

Pissed Off

I am so pissed off right now. I want to scream at somebody, anybody!

My sister took my adapter and took it somewhere and my laptop's not fully charged. I cannot watch my favorite Korean drama just because of my lousy irresponsible sister! I am really angry right now. I know that this is so shallow but I am really mad and I can't control what I am feeling though I am trying to be more rational. How can they be so inconsiderate?! This is the only time I can stay up late, and they know that this is my only form of recreation and I feel like a kid who cannot sleep because my security blanket has been taken away from me!

My head's blowing off. Darn! AAArrrrgggggghhhhQ!!!

Aja!

It is always magical to see children take their first steps.

I am still in awe at the sight of Yayin making her first steps without holding on to anything. We all clapped and she seemed pleased. In a few days we'll all be running after her and complaining how fast she runs. Those first few steps mark the beginning of her independence. Hopefully, just as we tried to guide her in this, we would be able to guide her as she faces her life and makes her future.

Time really flies fast. It seems not too long ago when we all watched her lovingly from the nursery. I'm getting nostalgic. So many things happened. A lot has changed.

I hope that just like my niece, I can take my own first steps. Yes, I have taken mine before but I stopped. I want to continue but it's harder this time and a lot more complicated too. Now, I need to be a fighter. I need to fight my weaknesses to achieve that goal of becoming better.

I have been too lazy. I set my priorities aside. I turned away from my dream. I let familiarity win over me. I indulged in self pity. I lost grip of my dreams. I let go of my motivations. I didn't have enough dedication. I have so many internal battles. I just let all my enemies win.

I have to pick up the pieces and start at the beginning. I can do this. Aja!

Just Me

I came to realize that this addiction I have with movies and drama reflects who I really am. Ever since I was a kid, I have enjoyed and loved so many stories, when I learned how to read, I even enjoyed and loved written ones. Since my cousins are too young to play with me and the older kids are always making fun of me, I ended up spending most of my time alone. All those times, my only form of recreation were seeing myself in those films, TV series, and novels.

Soon I grew up. I have lived my own version of those romantic comedies, success stories, and even family drama. I guess it became a lot easier because I have already practiced them in my head for so long. I didn't realize it at that time. I was busy living my reality.

I must admit that my life right now has never been this peaceful. Sure,I still have problems from time to time. And I am very thankful that I can still go through them with a smile. I am back to my childhood days of imagining and living in an alternate reality where things are prettier though a little more complicated. I'm okay with it but I am not eight anymore.

I know how to distinguish reality from fantasy. I can compute the probability of events coming true. Reality has bitten, slapped, and kicked me so many times that my parallel reality is not as happy as before. I know I should stop and just live with this, with what I have, with where I am now.

But until the end, I am still the hopeless optimist.

I still smile at the sight of a spark in a middle of a dark room. I still look up the sky and feel happy even without seeing any trace of a star. I am crazy this way. But it's just me.

Mood Swing

The addiction goes on- and so is the insanity. I want to pretend that I'm okay with this, but I don't think I am. Realistically speaking, my fantasies of meeting a man like Kim Joo Won are zero. How much more is the possibility of seeing Hyun Bin in person or even saying hi to him? Besides, I am more than thirty years old and I have no business acting like a teenager!

It would have been okay in my twenties but you see, I am too far from that. I am even past the marrying age. I am not even sure if I want babies at this time in my life. For how long will I be able to take care of a kid? I don't want to be like the other mothers in school who are mistaken as grandmothers.

AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!

So much for the perky happy me. I am getting irrational and irritated. Maybe because of this slight fever I am feeling. My body is hot and my joints are hurting a bit. I am fighting it with all my might. I hope my body will cooperate. There is so much to do and I can't malfunction now when I am finally, slowly figuring out the way to be a better me.

SeGa Indulgencce

Everyone was out of sync today. The kids, the other teachers and even, I think, my boss. It was as if it's June all over again.

To be honest I am a bit feverish. I wasn't busy during the break but my arm muscles are painful and so are my joints. I hope I am wrong, I can't get sick now. I have to work. I need money. hehehe

It's really crazy. I still watched "Secret Garden" secretly in the school's computer. I guess, I really can't let it go right now. It will come to pass. I think I watched "Memories of Bali" thrice, "Dream High" four times. I just hope I'll have enough of "Secret Garden" before the fifth time. So far, I think this is my third time. But this time, I want to enjoy all moments. Even those which do not involve Ra-im and Joo Won.

Anyway, as I said myself, I'll just indulge. I hope one day this insanity will be like the Little Mermaid and disappear like bubbles.

Get Going

Waaahhhh!!!!

I'm till not in the right vibe. I'm about to go to school, dressed up with make up on but I still don't feel like going. I do miss the kids though. Maybe when I see them again I'd get into the right attitude and do my job well. Today is the beginning of extra crazy months. Activities and programs are lined up almost each week. Field trip, Class picture taking, Christmas program, Christmas party - it's the equivalent of hell week in UP.

Of course my priorities are still in place. The goal of being better has not been forgotten, it was just set aside. Perhaps when I'm whole, God will give me that man to share my life with. Yihaaaa!!!

Okay. I feel a bit better now. It's time to get going.

Back to That

It's Monday. Technically it is. It's one in the morning and I haven't slept yet. I still can't let go of Hyun Bin and Ha Ji Won. Well, I'm just making them as an excuse because I really am not in the mood to go back to work tomorrow.

I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THE REAL WORLD! I want Kim Joo Won and Gil Ra Im! I want Sam Soon and Hyun Jin-heon! I want Meredith Grey and Derek Shephard! I want Peter Bishop and Olivia Dunham! I want to immerse myself in great love stories and forget that I had a lousy one in the past and have none in the present.

So we're back to that again. Why do you think am I so in love with all these dramas and series? It's not only because of entertainment. It's a part of a dream. A dream of having that one great love. One great story to tell and pass on to future generations.

Well I guess, in a few days time, my insanity will fade away and bring me back to reality.

wait

Gaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!

It's already a Sunday and tomorrow is the last day of my carefree existence. Huwaaahhhh!!!

I met with Gladys last night. We just walked around the night bazaar and looked at little kids playing around with some flying, lighting things. We were just talking how it would be nice to just lie around and do nothing and not worry where to get the money to pay rent, electricity, water. haist! Our only consolation is finding joy in simple, inexpensive treats like the time with friends, good TV shows, and great books. We are simply living to work and working to live. And when you start living like this, you'll spend every minute wishing it is a bit different. It is an unhappy existence.

But i am trying to survive. I am dreaming that things will change Even if i don't find a millionaire husband. That by the grace of God, better things await me.

But for now, I'll just live this way. Good things happen to those who wait.

Random

I am counting the minutes until my freedom is gone. In a few minutes, it's working time once again. And I want to scream aaarrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!

Why does time have to be so fast when you want it to slow down? Why does it have to be so slow when you want it to be over?

I want to stay with Hyun Bin a little longer before the crazy element called work burst my bubble! Why can't it just stay aside for a little while longer? Why is it so impatient?

Haaayyyy!!! i need to take a bath. Tata!

Waahhhhh!!!!

Home at last but I'm not sleeping. I didn't get enough last night. And we headed to the cemetery early this morning. But I am going to rest in a while. I'm watching a movie with Hyun Bin in it (again). But this is one of the old ones. He's not even the lead. But I need a few laughs without me falling in love with those sad eyes. I'm watching Spinkick. It's a shallow one but I'm laughing anyway. And the tall guy from "The Classic" is there too. It's really a nice treat before I head off to dreamland in a few minutes.

Workdays are approaching. Haay!!! If only I could live like this for more than a week. I was really tired you know. This break is what I have always needed. I am still thankful even if it's too short.

I can't meet up with my friends anymore. I have to get my focus back. I hope I can let go of Hyun Bin and Lee Minki and Zo In-sung. I can't even spell their names right. I guess like what I've heard, people that are too beautiful only exists in dreams. They will disappear soon because I have to wake up. I'll go back to my boring existence. I can't even see them in person to get their autographs. I can't even take a picture of them or with them.

If I continue with this, I will only be faced with pain and disappointment. Why go that road again when I can just avoid it? So I will let them go. Till the next vacation, I will not watch a movie, a drama, or even look at their pictures or listen to the OST. I will work and work really hard. So this is it I guess. Waahhhh!!!!

Giddy

I have to sleep. I have an early trip tomorrow but I still can't. I'm done watching Secret Garden. But I can't get enough of Kim Ju-won and Gil Ra-im and I can't stop staring at Hyun Bin's face.

Hyun Bin!!!! Hyun Bin!!! Hyun Bin!!!! Hyun Bin!!!! Hyun Bin!!! Hyun Bin!!!!

If you can hear me I'll just tell you how amazing you are! Haaayyy!!! You make my heart go thump thump thump in different directions. Too bad you're in the military right now, too bad you live across the globe, too bad you're a very popular celebrity. If you are Filipino and you are as ordinary as me - you would have the chance to discover how awesome I am. hehehehe

I am replaying my favorite scenes right now. The foam kiss, the party kiss, the hugs, the body switch. Aaaarrrggghhhh!!!! There's too many so how in the world will I get to sleep? Crazy? Yah Maybe. But JUST A BIT! I'll get tired of this soon and go back to the real world in a few days. But while I still can, I'll savor each and every moment.

Yah I know how shallow I am. I may not be the right person for someone like him and I am not as awesome as I think I am. I can't even admit how crazy I am for anything Korean to my not so condescending friends. I hide the fact that I downloaded the OST of my favorite Korean movies and dramas. While it is true that I do enjoy a lot of Hollywood films and series, the effect of these dramas on me is different.

But since this is my blog and nobody reads it anyway,I'll say it out loud: I ADDICTED TO KOREAN MOVIES AND DRAMA!!! I AM A FAN OF HYUN BIN, JO INSUNG, LEE MINKI, KIM SOO HYUN, HA JI WON, KIM SUN AH AND SO MUCH MORE! IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE THEN GOOGLE THEM!!!

Right now I'm in love with Hyun Bin, who knows who will it be tomorrow? I love this giddiness. I so love this!