Wish List 2012

Christmas party with the gays is over. Media Noche with family later. The holiday rush would be over soon and I will be back in the real world in just a few days. I'm not in the mood to make my resolutions yet. To be honest, I am not up for anything right now. We have found a new place and at least that's out of my hair. I'm not done clearing up all the clutter but maybe I would spend the next hours doing that.Right now, I will just prepare my 2012 wishlist.

I'll begin with the material things.

1. Ipad.

2. netbook - a laptop is heavy to carry around plus I'm still more comfortable with a keyboard.

3. Iphone - for all those mobile applications

4. dslr camera - my own. the one I'm using right now belongs to Jackie

Anyway, those are the big ones. I have a longer list of small things that I want.

5. Paulo Coelho's Aleph - haven't visited my fave bookstore in a while and it still is expensive. I'm waiting for the paperback.

6. Fit Flops - an original one.

7. new running shoes - maybe one from Adidas

8. jeans - been a while since I last bought one

9. storage jars and boxes - can't get enough of them.

10. books and DVDs - I want more!

My list could go on and on. Making this makes me look forward to the New Year. Here's to hope and excitement! *cheers*

Cleaning Up

I'm starting to pack my things. We will be moving out early January and I want it to be smooth and easy. So I started bringing out those huge bags we used the last time and started sorting. My goodness! I know I have a lot of clutter but I didn't expect that they would double up in a span of six months.

So here I go again,contemplating on which ones to keep and which ones to throw away. This is probably one of the hardest tasks I have to face. I only have 3 more free days to accomplish all the things I need to do and I am beginning to feel that familiar feeling I have when I am cramming.

So what I will do is list down all the things I need to wrap up so that I would not forget them.

1. Clothes - I need to put the ones I wear regularly on top and keep those I rarely wear at the bottom of the box. And as much as it pains me, I need to donate those I do not wear at all.

2. Reading Materials - I have to put all my paperback novels in a box, academic books in another and those which are outdated will be put in the trash (Oh please! I need the strength and the will to do this).

3. Trinkets - figure out which ones I need and which ones I don't and throw the rest. (I need much more strength and will!)

4. Unused kitchen items - probably the easiest, just put them in separate boxes and label

Now apart from getting ready to move out, I also want to get rid of all the clutter in my work desk. I will just make a daily schedule and hopefully, before the Chinese New Year comes around, the faculty room will be clutter free.

Today I Will...

Planning and planning and planning again.

The year is about to end and yes, I should focus more on doing my work than creating resolutions. Yes, as I said last year, I was not able to fulfill any of my stupid resolutions. But no, I will not stop making them every year. The reason? I have explained it last year and I think I can't recall my exact words so I will not explain again. But this year, I am promising, I am claiming it - I would do all my resolutions by hook or by crook.

I will not write them here now. I received a few nice notebooks last Christmas and I am beginning the year by writing on all of them. You heard it right! All of them. I will not let them rot or get stolen by my epal youngest sister. Then I will type it here.I will have my own netbook next year and I can return this laptop to my ever moody sister Jackie.

This year brings me hope and I don't want those end of the world tales ruin it for me. God is the only one who knows when it will happen.

MOVING OUT AGAIN!

I have done a lot of wrong things. First one is, I did not hear mass on Christmas Day. Second, I blindly believed that the landlady is nice. There's a lot more but I would rather not write it here because I don't want to be too emotional now.

I am in a hurry to move out of this place because I can feel that they don't want us here. It's so hard to look for a new place especially when you don't have enough cash on hand to pay the down payment. But anyway, I don't want to worry too much about it because I know we can do something about it anyway. It's just that I don't want my mom to be worried so I want to move out ASAP!

So anyway, I would like to see this moment in our family's history as a turning point or a beginning of a new cycle. Hopefully we can find a more decent place to live in with landladies who will let us stay for a longer period of time. Enough time for us to be able to save enough money so we can buy our own house.

Prayer on Christmas Eve

We're done with another Noche Buena.

It feels a little different because we're not in Marikina but this is the second Christmas that we spent on our own as in kami lang without other relatives. Difference is we have Cocoy and Lisa and of course our angels Adie and Erin. Pero okay lang. Masaya naman. Yun nga lang, as usual, ubos na naman ang budget hehehe.

Anyway, I haven't forgotten the significance of this day. This is the birthday of Jesus and it's time to be happy. We have been forgiven, we have been saved because a very special baby was born on this day. I don't care about the technicalities, as far as I am concerned, the whole world is rejoicing because this is the day that God promised.

So no matter how hard life is, no matter how many calamities strike the country, we must all learn to hold on to God's promise and that is Jesus. So let me share this simple prayer.

Happy Birthday Jesus! I know I have done a lot of wrong things and I am sorry. I am sorry because I did not trust you more and I have become proud that I thought I can do things on my own. But I know, I can only do so much but without You guiding me and taking care of me and my family, it would all be meaningless. Thank you for loving me and saving me from my sins. I ask you to come into my life and lead me in the right path. As I celebrate your birthday with the rest of the world, I want to learn more and to trust you more. I love you and please continue loving and taking care of me and my loved ones.

Amen

Planning Again

Earlier this morning, I was planning to drop by SM Masinag to buy a few presents. But, I fell asleep and decided to reschedule. So I spent another day being lazy. Well, I'm getting tired of this routine. Hopefully tomorrow, I can be more productive.

So I'll start by writing down our Christmas dinner menu. I'm planning to go to the market to buy yarn and maybe look for gift items. Will it be the market or SM? hmmm... I made two headbands for Erin. Adie's cap will take longer and much more materials. Nakakatamad kapag alam mong kulang ang available materials so I have to stock up on yarn. I have to finish a few projects para masabi ko naman that I didn't waste my vacation. I've had enough rest so paunti-unti I will start working. I'm tired of cramming na rin. I want 2012 to be more relaxed.

December 21

Hay salamat!

Bakasyon na sa school. Pahinga na muna ako from all the pressures. Though, I am not forgetting that I still have a lot of paperwork to catch up on. I just want to enjoy this week by being lazy ang lying around before I start teaching and tutoring again.

My family and I are facing another problem. We have to look for a new place. The landlords are going to use our place na raw. Hay! ang hirap talaga ng nangungupahan. Di bale, I am not giving up the dream of having a place we can call our own soon. I know it's hard but I'm sure it will happen. We will have our own house and we won't have to put up with rent again.

Ilang araw na lang Pasko na. I haven't bought a single present for any of my family members. Na-advance na ang gift ko maski na sa dalawang pamangkin ko. I'm sure they would understand. I'm hoping may dumating pang extra money.

I just read two books. Bob Ong's Lumayo Ka Nga Sa Akin and Ricky Lee's Si Amapola sa 65 na Kabanata. I still haven't touched my House and Criminal Minds DVDs. Ewan ko, I'm not in the mood to watch anything. Gusto kong magsulat. Nagsisimula na naman ako ng nobelang walang malinaw na plot. Malamang hindi ko na naman matatapos pero patuloy kong susubukan. I just don't wake up one day realizing I have forgotten how to put thoughts into words.

Been watching TV lately. Grabe ang sinapit ng Cagayan de Oro and Iligan. Good thing, a lot of people are reaching out. Naalala ko tuloy ang nangyari ng Ondoy. Sa mga ganitong panahon kailangan talaga mag-bayanihan ng mga Pilipino. I'm sure makakabangon din sila sa pagsubok na to.

Tomorrow, I'll be meeting up with my cousin Mau. Excited na ko. Miss ko na rin sila. Sana din soon magkita na rin kami nina Ana Lynn at Gladys. Sa 30, mga bading naman. Right now, I'll enjoy my own company muna. Masaya naman mag-alaga ng mga bata.

Birthday pala ng Daddy ko, December 21. Sana masaya sya nasaan man sya ngayon.

Another Emote Night

I was online for almost 30 minutes and nobody even noticed I was there.

Now, I regret all those times when a friend or an acquaintance will try to chat with me and I will ignore them because I was tending my city and busy in my farm. I know how it feels to be ignored. It’s sad and I feel like crying and lashing out on my friends just to make them feel guilty.

But I stopped myself from doing such a stupid thing. I am thirty plus not thirteen. I should learn to accept defeat when it comes and believe that there is always a next time to win. After all, it’s not entirely their fault that I am being ignored. I have been apathetic and hostile for so long that they have learned to deny my existence. It’s not my loss anyway. At least when these things happen, I discover who my real friends are.

So I would teach myself not to care. I would tell myself not to notice. I would learn how to live without them.

Christmas Budget

16 days before Christmas and at least I am feeling a bit Christmasy now. Maybe because I have already received the blessing that we all have been looking forward to. Now, I can't wait to shop for gifts and new clothes =).

The thing is, I want to make my money last until next year. My goal is not to borrow from anyone and keep a little for the future. With more discipline I know I can do it.

The thing is - shopping is very therapeutic. The mall can be a relaxing place. You can walk alone without being noticed and bothered. Purchasing those things - even if they are unnecessary brings an unexplained joy. I am not the type of girl who is addicted to clothes and shoes, most of my money goes into books, school supplies and trinkets. I do enjoy shopping for clothes and shoes but most of the time, I buy them only when it's necessary. I am not hesitant to spend a lot on them, especially on shoes because I rarely buy. But with my books, school supplies and trinkets - I turn into a compulsive shopper. At least once every payday, I buy one of them just to feel good and tell myself that I have something for me.

I don't regret being a breadwinner. I love helping my family, it makes me feel needed and I feel that it has always been my obligation. There are just times when I look at my friends and see how many material things they have just because they don't carry a responsibility as big as mine sometimes make me pity myself. Purchasing those small things erases that feeling away.

When I buy really expensive things, it makes me feel guilty. My family is not obliging me to help them and nobody is pressuring me to give most of my income to them. It's just that I don't feel right when I spend too much for myself. My mom even encourages me to buy gadgets and high end clothes and shoes but it just doesn't feel right. It's enough for me to get a good read and a few good laughs from my favorite writers. I can smile just by staring at my new pens and notebooks. I feel fine as long as I have cute little stuffed toys on top of my closet.

So now that we have a little extra money, I'd buy myself a new pair of slippers and sneakers. I already have two new books and a dozen new pens. I have given my Mom some money and I am listing down the people and my budget for each of them this Christmas.

Good luck to us and our pockets! =)

Fantasy

There's this ice cream commercial that keeps playing in my head. Something that goes "You and me, sitting on a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G." It doesn't bother me much it's just that I am craving for ice cream at this time of the night. And of course someone to sit on a tree and enjoy the ice cream with.

I can't force things to happen. The last time I did that, I ended up heartbroken. Now, I'm still in the process of healing myself and picking up pieces of me along the way. I have learned a lot and I really want to fall in love again.

I am trying to conjure his image in my mind. How we would meet and how we would fall in love. But it still doesn't feel right. I know that it still is a fantasy. He still is a fantasy.

Right now, that is the only thing I can afford.

Where are you?

December is here! Our favorite time of the year. The time to receive our 13th month pay and for those who are lucky, their year-end bonuses. Of course there's Christmas and New Year - a lot of time for our families.

The thing is, I am not very excited. Bills still have to be paid and even if I want to go shopping for my own pleasure, I still can't. All I can think about is setting aside a few bucks for the summer when I have no tutorials (therefore no extra income). We'll all say goodbye to 2011 and face the dreaded 2012.

Life is a routine for me as usual. I get bored most of the time but I take advantage of any opportunity to do something else for a change. Jingle and I go out regularly every weekends. I rarely see the gays but I talk to them on the net as much as I could. My high school friends and I get in touch through text. So my social life is alright.

But lately, I've been longing to have a boyfriend.

It's been years since I last had one. I keep wondering if there is really someone out there for me. I want to believe there is but... where is he?

The Brief Break is Over

It was so fast!

I made a lot of plans and promised to update my blogs as often as I could. As usual - I BROKE MY EFFIN PROMISES!

Well, I met up with my friends and I spent two straight days with them. I visited my Dad and grandparents. I watch around three movies in DVD and I completed about a third of The Fellowship of the Ring. Most importantly, I slept 12 hours a day during those times I was at home so I was able to rest.

I am not in the mood to work yet and frankly I know that I am the worst example in this place. But I do have the intention to finish my pending jobs. I just need a little pick me up and I can do them all.

The Brief Break

Finally! I can enjoy a long weekend. No tutorials for tomorrow and no classes too. However, I have told myself that this will also be my catch up week so I will try to catch up on all the paperworks here at home where I can stop anytime I want and lie down for a few minutes just because I feel lazy and stupid.

I know I still have a lot of work to do but I don't really mind because I know I can finish them all. I am feeling much better though I still have some colds. I can enjoy the day with my nephew and niece and read all those books I bought. I have four free days and I want to make the most of them.

I will not promise but I still will try to update my blogs regularly instead of just playing all those FB games. Maybe I will take a break from my DVDs and do more productive things. I want to catch up on my needlework as well. Haaayyyy! I just hope my boss changes her mind and let us start school on the eighth instead of the fourth.

Fighting the Flu

I was just talking about food choices when the flu hit me.

Three days of agony, headache, cold sweats, mean appetite, painful joints. When I felt better, I thanked God and promised myself that I will take care of myself more. I hate taking meds, staying in bed, and not being productive. These days, getting sick is really a luxury. I won't see it now but the next cut off, the two days of absent will be deducted from my salary and it would be aawww! on my budget again.

The thing is, a lot of people I know are actually sick right now. Most of my students and some of their parents are sick. One of my coteachers and another acquaintance have been hit by the flu. Flu viruses are getting stronger every year and I think it is time for all of us to fight it head on by being more health conscious.

It is hard but we really need it.

Before Putting Things in My Mouth

Funny how we never seem to think of the outcome of our smallest decisions in our daily life and hate ourselves later when we suffer the consequences.

I am talking about food choices. The thing is, I am not much of a veggie person. I love meat, pork in particular. I can't eat a meal without a touch of meat in it. I don't feel full eating vegetable lasagna or garden fresh pizza. If you get to convince me to eat chopsuey, I'll eat it with fried pork chop or fried chicken. I love vegetable salad but only as an appetizer. While it is true that I want to lose weight, I am not one of those girls who can get by with just salad or a carrot stick for lunch.

The thing is, last night, my calf muscles are hurting like hell. I can't sleep and embarrassing as it is for a thirty plus woman like me - I called my Mom. I haven't experienced pain like that. It feels like pincers are scattered all over my leg and are moved from time to time. Only when my cousin massaged them did they feel a bit better.

What I didn't expect was it would still hurt the next morning?! Following some advice, I took vitamin B complex, a banana, and two small slices of apple. Right now, the pain is gone. Hopefully, it would be for good.

One thing though, I will teach myself to be careful with my food choices. I am not getting any younger.

Monday: Recaps, Wishes and Thoughts

One week to go and we will finally be having our very brief sembreak. Though our tutorials will not be on a break, at least we will have a little more time to sleep in the morning without worrying about lesson plans and activities for the day.

I overslept over the weekend and stayed at home for the most part. How can they take me away when I have a very cute niece and nephew to attend to? I barely touched my lesson plans, I didn't even think about them. I read a few pages of the book I am currently reading. In short - it was unproductive but I was able to rest and relax for at least 48 hours.

I'm a bit worried about my niece Erin because she has a cough. I know she is okay but you know how it is with babies. We worry about the smallest details. My nephew Adie is naughty as usual but with a little talk, a hug and a kiss - he follows.

Well, right now, I don't think I am ready to have my own kids yet. For one, I don't want to raise a child single-handedly. If I were to choose, I would really want someone to share the joys and of course the responsibilities of parenthood with me. Another reason is I am afraid of surgery or any operation that will require putting me to sleep and having some doctor touch my innards.

But I am ready to find that person who will make me feel special and make me want to spend the rest of my life with. I just hope that amidst this hamster lifestyle I am into right now, he would still come.

My Playlist

I've been listening to boyband music lately. I was not a big fan when they were really the in thing. However, there's this DJ in RX who is notorious for playing boyband songs. Every Wednesday, they have this rewind thing they call the monster riot. I love the playlists because they remind me of my high school and college days when life was a bit hard and melodramatic. I wasn't expecting that he will be the DJ for that hour and he played "All I have to Give" by the Backstreet Boys and I found myself singing along.

I guess I just did not admit that I was a fan because the so-called "cool" people loathed them. If I were not a fan, how come I have memorized almost of their songs without even trying. I can even name the titles by just hearing the intro.

Anyway, I downloaded some songs I liked and now listening to them on my phone (poor me I have no MP3 player huhuhu). I hum along as I travel to and from work, I even installed them in the faculty PC so I can sing while working.

Why do they hate boybands anyway? Because they're popular? A friend said because they capitalize on good looks and their musicality is not so good. I beg to disagree. There's nothing wrong with looking good. Nick Carter and Justin Timberlake are cute and no, their musicality is not bad. They can sing and goodness! They can dance. It is not their fault if they make teenage girls go gaga. I am not an expert in music but I know a good tune and voice when I hear one.

So anyway, I couldn't care less if they all give me that look when they discover my personal playlist. Thanks to Gino Quillamor for making me rediscover boybands.

Monday

My facebook status:

another manic Monday but I am choosing to be calm. have a great week everyone!

The thing is, I woke up with a mean headache and felt like I was floating while walking to school. Then I heard photocopying for other purposes is not allowed anymore. I am fighting the urge to be cranky. I want to face the day with a smile. I am praying for patience to keep my cool today and stay true to my status.

=)

It's been a month since I last wrote anything. I have been lazy for that long or perhaps just too busy to even care about writing anything. I ran out of rants and drama. And the internet connection in our place is not so good. I am taking advantage of my brother-in-law's generosity right now. He let me use his wi-fi and the whole day I surfed until I ran out of things to do and I remembered that I have a blog to update even if nobody is reading it.

Work is as usual, work. I leave home at 7 and get to school at around 7:45, class from 8 to 11:30, paperwork from 11:30 to 4, tutor from 4 to 8/8:30 and I usually get home at around 9. I'll sit around and watch TV till 11:30 and sleep at around 12am to wake up at 6 later. I barely have time to do things that I like like writing, crocheting, or even drawing. No wonder I don't have a boyfriend or a social life. Weekend is the only time for me to rest and I don't have enough energy to go out and grab a beer with my friends. The only time I relax is when I play with my nephew and my niece.

I can't say I am bored right now. I do miss my friends but I'd rather sit in front of the laptop or the TV than go out. I just feel tired. I want to let go of one of my tutorials but I can't because if I do that, the family budget would suffer. We would survive but it would be difficult. I just want to go home when the sun has not set yet and be able to enjoy at least 7 hours of sleep every night.

If you have been reading my blogs, you would notice that this is a recurring theme of my entries. I can't seem to find what I am doing wrong. I want to correct my mistakes but I don't know what it is. This year is about to end and I haven't done any of my resolutions. Well, there's always next year and maybe, just maybe, I would have enough maturity and discipline to do what is right.

Missing my Bed

This is one of those days that I want to grab a pillow and sleep.

My students' exams are over and it is as if I have been drained. I feel so damn tired I don't want to see lesson plans and test papers anymore. I can't even gather enough strength to stand up and get my tea. My eyes are drooping since 8 am and the kids sensed I am not my usual self today so they are extraordinarily pasaway.

Since Sunday, I have been sleeping at 2 am and waking up at 5: 30. I don't take naps and I don't even close my eyes in the jeep. It seems my erratic sleeping is catching up on me now.

I have never missed my bed this much.

The -ber Fever

The Philippines is known as a country which celebrates Christmas the longest. True to its tradition, this morning, when September one came, I have heard a few people greet each other a Merry Christmas.

I love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday. People seem to be happier and much more positive during this season. I love the lanterns, the trees, the songs, the gifts and the weather. In the midst of all these, being the only Christian country in Asia, Filipinos have always emphasized that Jesus Christ and not Santa Claus is the main figure in Christmas. And I believe this is why people seem more generous and merrier in December. They know that someone was sent to save them.

Now personally, we don't go with the trend of decorating this early. With a very small place, I can't even imagine where we would put up our old tree. But we would still decorate. Even if Adie is not staying here at home, we have a new baby coming and we want him or her to see what his or her kuya have enjoyed last year.

I am so excited!

Cramming Again

I have a lot of things to do.

As usual, I have not started on any of them. I don't have enough time and yet I am here - blogging. Writing things that nobody even reads. Well, right now I don't even care. I want to sleep but my neighbors are having another party (on a weekday my goodness!). I used to think that I can bear the noise but it seems I can't. My head is too full of ideas and too full of plans that I don't know which ones I really want to do.

Two of the short stories I started would have to wait another day. My sachets of fiction thing has not been updated for who knows how long. Even my random thoughts blog has been untouched for quite sometime now. So much for exploring my creative side! I'm just too versatile I can't master any one of the skills I acquired.

Lord God help me. I suck at planning, even more in executing. I have been a crammer for so long I can't find inspiration when I know there is still a lot of time. Anyway, I just hope I will have a good night's rest and I pray that I'll regain my mojo tomorrow.

The Hand that Never Lets Go

I have made a lot of promises. To myself, to my friends, to my family and to God. I have carried out most of them but broken a lot too. Especially the ones I made to God. Tto do my though I am trying my very best to live a blameless life, I still feel guilty for not going to church and not fulfilling my vows when I told God that He will be the number one priority in my life.

I have been so busy doing my worldly duties that time and again I have forgotten that my biggest duty is to serve Him. When I do plans, I forget to ask for His guidance and only remember Him when glitches happen. He never leaves me in spite of my shortcomings but I always abandon him in spite of His goodness. I become proud most of the time. I do thank Him and recognize that He is the wind beneath my wings but I fail to do my duties as a Christian, or a Catholic for that matter. I pray regularly before I sleep, before I go to work and boast of this relationship I call a personal one. However, its been almost a year since I last went to Church and more than a year since I last read the Bible and really "talk" to Him.

I guess when He lets fear come inside my heart, it is His way of calling me and reminding me that I need Him. That He wants to be there for me but I keep ignoring Him. He knows that even if people see me as this strong and brave lady, I shiver over the littlest of things. He knows me too much to know that it is when I am afraid that I hold on the most tightly to Him.

I know I am not perfect. And thinking positively will not solve all my problems. But holding on to Him will...

I have to remember that. Always.

Inhale.... Exhale!

I want to scream,

One set of the kid' test papers are missing. I have looked all over for it and I need it before tomorrow. I am on the verge of freaking out so I am writing this to calm down. I need to inhale and exhale as I tap on the letters on this keyboard. I am battling my headaches by playing Cityville on FB. I know I'll get through this. I just need to slow down the beating of my heart.

I want to feel relaxed and beautiful when I face the parents a day or two from now. I want a clear head so that I can give them an excellent report about their children's development. I want them to see that they have made the right choice in letting the children stay with us until Kinder 2 level.

So in this light, I will resume the search. Hopefully soon I'll find them tucked somewhere and I can proceed my other plans. +0

Kicking Stress.

It's another Monday and I am tempted to just sit here and browse the internet until it's time to go. We just celebrated another birthday in the classroom and it's exam week. There's so little time with so much things to do.

Well, I can manage to do them all. I just don't want to cram again and feel all pressured for the wrong reasons. I want to feel that freedom. I want to believe that I have all the time in the world to accomplish the things I need to do. I need more time to relax. Come to think of it, I started getting fat when I let all the stresses of work and my ex get to me. Now that the ex is gone and work is under control, perhaps, I will let my body adapt to the steady rhythm I used to have.

So babye stress. I'll take a nap first hehe.

Just Wishing

It has been almost three years since I last had a boyfriend. Though I know in my heart that it is not my priority right now, I wish I could have one. I am not in a hurry. It's just sometimes, all these lovers around me make me feel the want to hold that someone special close and feel safe.

I'm not looking. I'm just waiting. My profession and my lifestyle makes it hard to look for a potential romance. Perhaps when someone sees me in spite of this, it is indeed fate that brought us together.

I have always said that I am a hopeless romantic. I have been bitter in the past but still, my heart beat in the right place. No matter how corny I find sweet nothings and public displays of affection are, I know that I am capable of loving as corny as others do.

I wish I could find a man who is in the same level as I am in all aspects. A person who shares the same sentiments and priorities as I have. I hope that he will inspire me and motivate me to be better each day. I need a person who can stimulate me intellectually, a person with whom I can learn from and who can learn from me. I want someone who makes me feel needed, that I am important, that I matter. I want a person who I can be proud of. I need a reason for a twinkle in my eye and that glowing smile that only a person in love have.

I know one day he will find me.

It's just one of those days =)

I was so excited this morning because I finally brought the dslr cam here in school only to be disappointed later because apparently my sister did not charge the battery. I was not able to use it!!!

Anyway, another week has passed. I am feeling a bit queasy and light headed at the same time. Okay fine! I admit it - I am feeling lazy again. It's Friday. I want to go to the mall or roll around on my bed. I don't want to do any school stuff.

It was as if I lost my momentum. I was so inspired the past week. I had lots of ideas in my head. I was able to carry out those ideas in class this week. There are still unfinished tasks and some needs polishing. I just don't feel like doing them.

I promised myself that I won't let these kinds of days ruin the course of my life.

I am not letting it. I will catch a power nap in a few minutes and hopefully, I'll get my mojo back. I am at war here. The opponent must not see that I am still the old me. I want to show 'em I am better without saying anything.

Back to work!

Last Night's Fun and Minor Stupidities

I have asked my dear friend Cheska to watch "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" a few days back. Speaking of which, I just would like to correct myself because I said that it is a Peter Jackson film. The thing is, Andy Serkis played Gollum and Kingkong if I am not mistaken. I got all confused. Anyway, it's not doing so well in our country even if James Franco is starring in it because a local indie film, "Ang Babae sa Septic Tank," came out. We agreed that we are going to watch it instead.

However, just like all previous plans, our plan to go out did not push through because Elvin celebrated his birthday at Klang's place. We threw all other activities aside and went to Santolan. It was a night of jokes, gossips, and tons of fun. We didn't realize that it has been so long since we were all together. The longest time that we haven't seen each other so far.

I have come to realize how few my friends are. Apart from my high school group (only three of us are left) and Jingle, the gays are my only friends. I am not so sad about it though; because as I have always pointed out, I have very few people I call friends but I know all of them are real. We may have misunderstandings, we may not have enough time for each other but we love each other unconditionally.

Anyway, I came home at around 4pm. It was a blast and I hope we could have another one on my birthday. =)

The Past Few Days

I have promised myself that I will write more often in this blog. I told myself that I should write at least once a week. I guess, just like before, I got carried away by the business of my daily life. When school started, I have barely enough time to comb my hair or put make up on in the morning.

I made time to watch two of my most favorite movie franchises, Harry Potter and Transformers. Now, I am planning to watch a movie which stars my latest obsession - James Franco. The Rise of the Planet of the Apes seems interesting. Aside from the actors, I also want to watch this because it is a Peter Jackson film. I liked LOTR and KIng Kong. Though James Franco seems uncertain about this, I think this would be a good one.

I have only watched one of his movies, Spiderman. I researched about him on the net and found out so many interesting things about him. Just like Matthew Gray Gubler, he can't seem to run out of things to do. Perhaps because both of them are really talented and dedicated artists. If MGG inspired me to explore my artistic side, James Franco inspired me to learn more. Now, more than ever, I desire to get that long overdue Master's degree. I will make time and set aside funds for it.

I am inspired once more. Though, I am still confused as to what I want to do with my career for the next school year. I am earning more than enough right now. I am not sure if I would still earn this much when I leave the school. This is my comfort zone,I have recently adjusted to the schedule and to the pressures. It is hard to leave right now. When I hear myself say this however, I feel like I am just making another excuse not to resign.

This is damn confusing. I wish I could really talk to someone who understands,

How Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Affected Me

I just watched the final installment of the Harry Potter films. Just like what I felt when I read the last book - I wanted to cry. It's like saying goodbye to a friend.

My tears fell when I saw Neville Longbottom and he brought Harry to the room of requirement. They fell even more when the professors enchanted the whole Hogwarts and I had to hold back the sobs when I saw the dead bodies of Fred, Lupin and Tonks. The flashback of Severus' Snape's life was fantastic. Harry and Voldemort's confrontation made my hair stand up.

This is the best movie made about the series. I wanted to ask JK Rowling to give us more. But then again - I know that she had made the right decision in ending this story while it is still on top. I just wish she will give us another glimpse about the world that she had introduced. I really want to watch the movie over and over again until I get tired of it. I want to reread the books from the beginning.

I have been a witness to the growing up years of the characters. Neville Longbottom, in terms of development, is the best. Harry Potter is a picture of a boy who seems to have lost everything but have gained the love and respect of people around him. Hermione Granger used her intellect to help those she loved. And my favorite, Ron Weasley, though a bit of cowardly, will gather enough courage to save his friends. I still wish I am Dumbledore's granddaughter. And Snape - the big revelation in the end - redeemed himself.

Harry Potter became a part of many people's lives. I am one of the millions who have come to love the characters, the plot, the wizarding world. I have learned the importance of family, friendship, and love. Kudos to Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, David Yates, and most specially to JK Rowling for a job well done.

Weekend Adventures

I am sleepy at the moment...

I haven't been able to make up for my lost sleep last weekend because I finally broke my routine and went out. Last Friday night, I was with the teachers. We tried this eat all you can stuff at Araneta - Kangaroo Jack. The food was okay but the daiquiri is blah. There was a band after and we had a few drinks. The service is not so good. There are very few servers for that many people. I just tried to enjoy the night because it was the only time I spent with the teachers since who knows how long.

Saturday night was Transformers night with Chez, Peter, Leah, Enan, and BJ. I was hungry and the crazy travel I had did not give me enough time to buy my snacks. I loved the special effects and the action of the film though it's way too violent for kids. I even like the new girl more than Megan Fox because she seems less bitchy. I just don't like the story itself. It's way too predictable. Good thing Shia La Beouff and John Turturro's comedic stunts gave us a few laughs. After the movie, we went to Timog for a fe drinks at Off the Grill. I was so damn hungry by that time I had to drag Peter out to grab a snack. When I reached Marikina, I ate again, this time alone, at Mc Donald's Sumulong. I got home at exactly 4 in the morning. I did not sleep immediately though - I still watched three episodes of House on DVD.

To cut things short - I lack sleep but I feel good because I haven't turned into a hermit yet.

I never really realized that I missed them until we spent time together. Now all I can think about is saving a few bucks so that we will have a reason to get out once more. I really hope that it will be soon.

Home Alone (again, naturally)

Everyone's out but me.

We already moved to our new place. Classes have started, tutorials too. I have accomplished a lot in the past months and now I am back in a rut. Actually, not really, I actually have more to do but I don't know how to finish all of them and fit all of them in my current schedule. The travel time from my place is as unpredictable as my mood. The new kids are okay but I am going crazy over their behavior. I am still feeling lazy from time to time. I need more pep talk and self motivation activities to be able to make it through this year.

Now, I can work on a few papers but here I am blogging, facebooking, and twitting. hahaha

The teachers and I were supposed to go out but something came up and they rescheduled for tomorrow. I was supposed to meet Jingle but I fell asleep and woke up really late. Now, I want to work but I can't figure out which task I should do first.

So... I guess I will start by taking a bath and improve my circulation. Till then...

Hmmm

Just finished listening to the RoRo show. I really wish to meet Rico Robles and Jude Rocha in person and have some pictures taken. Wala lang for the experience lang.

I am not feeling so well. This cold has been bugging me for about a week now. I am feeling really lazy and I am not sure if I will be able to accomplish anything today. The weather is not cooperating. The sun is blazing hot that even the wind is hot. I am having some minor headaches and I feel a little deaf because of these clogged nasal passages.

Anyway, Rubie and I will be meeting up with Joy later. Hopefully, I'll be feeling a little better. I haven't been to SM Marikina for quite sometime now. I wish I'll have some extra money too.

Still Out of My League

I never thought that the Thai movie "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" will affect me as much as "500 Days of Summer." Apart from English and Filipino movies, I am not much of a fan of Foreign language films. I hate reading subtitles, it makes my head ache and my eyesight is not so good. The lead male is just so cute I can't resist watching it.

Anyway, I have already made my review of the film in my tumblr blog. It's just I can't seem to get enough of it. The movie actually made me review my high school life and search for parallels. There are actually a lot but most of my high school crushes are married now besides, the last time I saw them, it got me wondering if my brain was in the right place in high school. There were two Dexters, one ugly and one drug addict. A guy named Happy and thinking of him makes me go eeww. There's Franco, another eeww guy. There was a Julius who I believe is a priest now. And Raul - the guy who just disappeared. I know there are others but they are so forgettable.

I discovered that the closest story I have with Nam is the one I had when I was a college freshman.

Marlon Pilar. haayy!

The first time I saw him in the classroom, I knew that I would be head over heels for him. I used to have this thing for tall, lanky, Chinese guys. He is all that plus he looks really neat and smells really good. For about a year I satisfied myself with a few stolen glances and some moments of stalking. I would stare at him from afar and tell myself to gather enough courage to approach him and have a casual conversation but I was never able to do that. I don't know but at that time, I thought he was way out of my league. He's just too cute. I was back then a dark-skinned, lanky, ugly public high school graduate.

The only time I got to be near him was at the Eng canteen. I was waiting for my pals when he sat in front of me, said hi and left immediately. There was also that time when we were lining up to watch a play and I was so noisy because I want him to notice me. He told me to keep quiet and I answered back and all of my blockmates teased us. I almost died of a heart attack during those times. My heart was beating that I can actually hear it pounding and I can't breathe.

Sometimes I am wondering if at some point, he liked me too. There was a time that Rhoma told me that he was looking at me during one of our classes. There was also that time when joking around, the other boys told her that I am his ex-girlfriend. But then again, if he feels the same, he would've approached me. Maybe he is aware that I have a crush on him that's why his friends were teasing him. Maybe they found it so funny that they are laughing at him and they pity me for such an ambitious desire.

Anyway, it was a roller coaster year for me. That was June 1995 to May of 1996. So many things happened and I outgrew my infatuation. The last time I saw him was on my fifth year in college. He sat in front of me and my friend in a jeep, he has a girlfriend. I am not really sure if he was the guy I saw in MRT shaw around 2005. Thing is, apart from Alex, also a college crush, he is a past crush that I want to see again.

I never thought that recalling those incidences I just shared will make me feel the old emotions that I thought I outgrew. Now my desire is stronger. I really want to catch a glimpse of him again. If he talks to me or even remembers me, I would be thankful but if not I just want to see him. Besides, with my current weight, I don't think I want him to see me like this. After all these years, I still think he is way out of my league.

Faith

I believe that God is a merciful father. I know that he is just. We may not understand how it works and we may not always agree with him but in due time He always makes it a point that we will see His will is for the best. I also believe that He knows what we want and He listens to us and gives us a chance. He is not a tyrant and a dictator. He respects us and we have to respect Him more.

I have done some stupid mistakes in my life in the past. He let me make those mistakes and made me see my wrong decisions. Maybe that is why I have regrets. I know that what I was doing back then was wrong but I still did it. I was a rebel and I thought I was cool. Now I saw that there is nothing cool in that. I have paid for my sins and now He is giving me a chance. I am holding on to Him and in His goodness and love so that I will never go astray again. I believe that He is there to defy all rationality that we have learned in this world, what science explained and what philosophy taught. He can make miracles and do wondrous things.

I am not a church goer. It has been quite sometime since I last read the Bible or attended mass. With His guidance, I know that He will lead me to the right church. For now, I will continue to communicate with Him through daily prayers. Hopefully, He will send me messages that I could understand and accept.

Whatever!

Humility is a hard lesson to learn. For people like me who was raised to believe that we are better than other people just because we have the brains that can easily pick up new concepts and learn new skills. Sure I have self image issues but I always make up by telling myself that I may not be as good looking as other people are but I'm sure I'm brighter. I have learned the hard lesson some fifteen years ago when I entered the University of the Philippines and saw that I am just one of the many.

Then on, I tried my best to keep both my feet on the ground. However still, some people provoke me to say nasty things about them. Then I learned that patience is much harder to come by. In this world full of people who are trying to get ahead of others, it is hard not to be cruel to those whose only way of getting on top was pulling other people down. It is just hard to feel sympathy for people who have made it their primary goal to succeed at all costs even if that means stepping on others' toes and hurting them in the process.

I am trying hard to be humble but I cannot allow other people to put me down. Sometimes, I need to do some things or say some things to make those downers see the place where they should be - in hell where all the people around them are as miserable as they are.

I don't mean to be mean. I feel guilty for going down to their level. It is just my way of preserving what little self esteem I have. I don't expect them to understand and I'm not sure if I care.

100

Everyday, life teaches us new lessons. Most times, we ignore them. There are times we don't understand. Sometimes, we do learn.

Keeping an account of everyday experiences can be very beneficial but a bit tiring. It is nice to write when we are feeling very happy. It can be helpful to write when we are angry or depressed. There are days when we don't know what to write because our day is just blah. When I decided to update this blog as often as I could, seeing life's daily lessons became a bit easier. I like rereading my previous entries. Some entries are boring, I don't finish them at all. My other writings make me smile and feel inspired. There are even ones that I myself am impressed with my own work.

This is my 100th entry. I was thinking how to make it extra special. I have planned on listing all the nuggets of wisdom I have picked up in the last two years or so but I was afraid I will forget the important ones. I realized, it is impossible to recall all of them just as it is impossible to remember every little detail that our teachers from preschool to college taught us.

So if you happen to come across my writings, I am encouraging you to go back and take some time to read my past entries. They contain the lessons I learned in this adventure we call life as experience it, directly and indirectly stated. It is my greatest wish that you will also learn and hopefully, be encouraged to be a better person.

Time for Me

Jackie's here! And in a few days we will be moving out of this house. She on the other hand, will move out perhaps 5 months from now. This is another chapter in our lives. I haven't fully grasped the idea of living in different houses but I guess, I'll just cross the bridge when I get there.

One of the lessons I learned in life is that change is inevitable. Change can be both exciting and scary. This is one of those scary ones for me. What if I miss my nephew? my sister? While it is true that we will not be very far from each other, it still is not the same.

However, I must admit that one of my dreams is living in my own place. Having a house or a condo all to myself in a far away land like New York or Los Angeles or Singapore. I want to know how's it like to be able to do everything I want at home without the worry that my sister might need the pc or use the bathroom. I like the idea that I can eat anything I want without worries that a certain food is bad for my mom or my sister will not like it. It would be nice to be able to lie down all day and not worry that the house is messed up. I can go around naked or in my underwear or burst into a song or go dancing in the living room.

I love my family very much and I can't imagine a life without them. It's just I want to live my own life too. I want to have a personal space, a place I can have all by myself. I will never severe my ties with my mom and my sisters. I just want a time for me.

Staying Close

My father used to tell me that you can not replace your family.

Friends will come and go, but your family will never leave you. You can choose your friends but not your family. I guess this is the reason why our family became intact. In spite of the fact that my Mom is his third wife, we have become inseparable. Arguments and misunderstandings happen every now and then but reconciliations happen as often as they do. I am thirty two but I still live with my mom and my sisters. I can make means to live independently but I just can't imagine coming home to an empty house.

My sister Jackie will be coming home from Europe in a few hours. She's five months pregnant with her second child. She will be getting married and will be starting her own family for who knows when. It's imperative that she move out. Inasmuch as I want them to stay with us, it would be difficult for my future brother-in-law and us. It's not that we don't like him. It's just apart from my Dad and my nephew, we didn't have a male in the house. We are so used to walking around in our underwear (because it is so damn hot in this country), we freak out about small things, and it takes us forever inside the shower. It's just a lot of adjustments. Adjustments that will be unfair for him and for us.

So I'll just enjoy the few months that Jackie and Adie will be spending with us before they move out. Our sort of a bridal shower and baby shower rolled into one. It will be a four month long slumber party. Who knows, maybe we can find a duplex and they will just be staying next door to us. Or maybe we can get a big compound so that when all of us get married, we will be staying in different sections of the same place. Mom can just choose in which house she wants to stay in every other day if she likes.

Back on Track

We have a prospective new house and I am all psyched to move there once we get to check the place out. Later, is the last day of summer classes and we are going to have a party. I am all set and I am sure that the kids will have real fun.

I have made a small crocheted coin purse. I will watch the next videos on how to read patterns and soon I will make my cute crocheted animals. I am planning to make a crocheted Jar jar Binks or dinosaur to remind me of Matthew Gray Gubler and a small monkey that will remind me of Jackson Rathbone. I am going to display them on my desk so that I can work more efficiently and I will have better ideas for the next school year. My bosses are going to love me.

Today, I spent most of my time thinking of what story I really want to tell. I really want to start a novel. I am aiming for publication. It would be cool to see my name on book covers. There's just too much in my head I can't figure out which one is the best. If I could find a person who could draw well, I also want to have my own comic book.

I said I have given up my dreams of becoming a writer. I guess I was wrong. Writing will always have a place in my life. It has made me survive all of life's trials. I guess I am going to continue writing until someone reads what I want to say.

Good Things to Come

It is nice to feel that your friends and family are there for you. Everything gets a little easier if there are people you love and who love you. I feel better now and I am back to optimism.

I have learned the basics of crocheting. It won't be long before I will start to make my own amigurumi. Once again, I have proven that one is never too old to learn new things.

My sister Jackie will be home soon. Things will be good and a new baby is on the way. I wish it will be a girl. Maybe I can make little crocheted hats and booties for him or her.

We will move to a new place soon. Things will be good.

Opportunity

It's apartment hunting time for us again!

The owner informed us that she'll be needing the place soon so she won't be renewing our contract. It pains me to leave this place because we are just having the feel of this. However, since I believe that God has a reason for everything that happens - I know that better things await us. I know we can find a better, cheaper apartment that we can call home for a longer period of time. Perhaps in a year or two we can buy our own home.

Truthfully, I am hurt and sad but I don't want to focus on it. I want to feel hopeful that good things will come. I want to see this as a door of opportunity for better things for our family.

Being Good

I just discovered a wonderful blog, amorningcupofjoe.tumblr.com. It opened my world to the wonderful world of cute amigurumi! Now I have another to do in my list. To learn how to crochet so I can make those crocheted animals.

I am exploring my creative side. As a teacher, it is imperative that I be creative so that I can maintain my students' attention. Frankly, I don't think I am in terms of arts and crafts. I have a lot of technique like changing voices, making up songs, or doing an impromptu self-made story but in terms of pictures and materials - I fall short. That is why I want to be really artsy visually.

Abraham Lincoln inspired me today. According to him, "Whatever you are, be a good one." I am a teacher right now. God put me in my place to serve a greater purpose and I want to be good if not the best. I want to be the teacher that my students will look up to. The teacher that they will remember even if they got older.

Writing is a part of me. While it is true that I have given up on my childhood dream of becoming a famous writer someday, I will at least be a good writer. I want to continue practicing the art of storytelling in the medium I am familiar with which is language. I would tell my stories in a manner I know how but not setting aside the importance of learning from people who have succeeded in the said field.

So whatever I am, wherever I am, I want to be good. Whether being a teacher, a writer, a friend, a class clown, a nerd, or whatnot. God endowed us with gifts that we should hone.

Mom

We are 12 hours ahead of the US, Mother's Day is over for us. However, everyday is Mother's Day for me. I don't have to wait for the second Sunday of May to come before I show my Mom how special she is. I try to do it everyday.

Of course that is not my excuse for not getting her a present. I am short in cash right now so enough said. Anyway, she knows I meant to give her some money in a few days and the promise is enough for her. We talked to Jackie earlier via webcam and it made her smile. Adie entertained her with his antics and she laughed all day. I can sincerely say that she is happy. Our family is not the type to say I love you but each day it is implied.

I read a lot of touching blogs about mothers today. I even wrote one in my tumblr account. It is true that Motherhood is romanticized in this day and age. I guess the present generation is trying to correct the mistakes of the past. Mothers before are nothing but shadows to the powerful males in the house. We have seen the importance of mothers in a person's life that is why we are promoting them from being shadows to being the main man.

Mothers are different. There are good ones and there are bad ones. To be blessed with a good one is a reason to be thankful each and every day.

That is why I am thankful. My mother is not only good but as as I am concerned, she is the best. At least for me and my sisters. Love you Mom! there. I said it here.

Too Much

I spent the last few hours contemplating on a blog-worthy event today. Well, these are the things I did:

1. Had an afternoon nap in the living room and bothered by some kids asking for old clothes. They don't look like beggars and they are making my dog mad so I had to send them away.

2. Took my nephew to a mini party for my god daughter's birthday. He clung to me like a tarsier and I can't force him away. He did not even smile at the celebrant. I had no choice but to go home early. The spaghetti and fried chicken were great.

3. Watched another sagala. Well, the Reyna Elena was pretty. The rest - uhmm... should've stayed indoors.

It's just another ordinary day.

The thing is sometimes, in my effort to make every single day memorable, it becomes more boring. I figure why not stop trying and let things happen as they should. I am currently contemplating on what I should do. My needles and my paint are waiting. I have a few books I would like to reread. There's a DVD of Youth in Revolt and Remember Me. There are too many choices and I can't make up my mind which one I really want. Maybe I should just get back to my novel or come up with another flash fiction.

I want to do something different. Perhaps, hang out at a bar or sing the karaoke. I haven't done that in a long time. Maybe I could just go shopping and try out all those clothes that only look good on models or those with waistline half mine. Or I could try cooking something different. I have experimented on pasta in the past. This time maybe I could try meat or veggie dishes.

There's too much in my head and I would like to do so many things. I could almost hear my Dad saying "Rolling stones gather no moss."

I'll just dig in to this chocolate cake that Pearl sent me. Nothing beats chocolate!

Like Attracts Like

Fourth week of summer classes is over, one week more and we'll wrap up the class. I can't wait to have all those free time to explore and create new things. My sister will be coming home on the 15th and my bestfriend will be visiting on the 25th. Lots of new things to look forward to and a lot of plans pushing through.

I am hopeful that 2011 will open new windows of opportunity for me. I still have a few months to plan for graduate school. I can save up for my tuition and fix my schedule. I can check job openings overseas and I will have more time to shape up. I will visit my dentist soon and my ophthalmologist as well. I can also continue with my beauty regimen and feel better about my appearance. I will buy a new wardrobe line up and some new shoes. World! Here I come!!!

I received good reviews about my blog. My friends are entertained with my flash fiction, photos, quotes, and reviews of my favorite books, movies, songs and artists. Maybe they will be encouraged to have their own blog and perhaps we can follow each other on twitter and tumblr and I can get them to subscribe to this one just so that we can get to know each other better.

Like attracts like.

Since I have been thinking and writing positive stuff - positive things are happening. A lot of skeptics and pessimists think it's crap but that's because they haven't tried it yet. Thing is, what others don't get, just feeling good and hopeful is a reward in itself.

My Day

The Class

The kids work pretty fast. My art activity was done for less than ten minutes. I wish that it could have lasted longer though. Anyway, I am just happy because the kids have shown improvement. They can sit a little longer and T. Julie and I can now control them. We have approximately five days left to wrap up the summer program. I will start preparing their evaluation forms and file their works. I will also prepare the program folder so that whoever handles the class next year will be able to conduct the class properly.

The Dream Quest

I have written an impromptu flash fiction. I am laughing by myself as I was writing it so I just had to post it on my FB wall. Soon many of my friends will be reading my work and be entertained. I am experimenting on different ways of teaching kids and I am getting good results. My classroom management skills are improving as far as I'm concerned and my kids are liking me more. Some parents are now comfortable talking and joking around with me. I twitted MGG and watched a video of him in tumblr. I want to show him more support.

The Friends Network

I chatted with Cheska and Ana a little earlier. I greeted Arlene a happy birthday. I'll talk to Gladys about going to Balong's place and bonding with Malou and the rest of the people there. I'll drop by Mau's place on Saturday for Marsha's birthday. Probably send a few random texts to Jsen, Peter, Elvin, Klang, and Nini. I miss Starbucks moments with Gladys and store tambay with Mau. We can do that more often.

The Faith

Every morning, I try to drop by the church and say a quick prayer. Of course every night, I talk to God. I want to hold on to God and I know He will not let go of me. I'll drop by St. Clare's and offer my candles and prayers. I'll attend mass more often and get a copy of the Bible.

Good Day

My class was okay today. Most of the kids listened and followed and they seem to enjoy the activities we had. Tomorrow we are going to pretend to go grocery shopping and I am sure that they will love pretending to buy the stuff that I will prepare for them. I am planning to make some crayon shavings art as well.

The teachers loved Adie's antics. Hopefully he will be in a good mood tomorrow and he could play with them some more. Maybe we can drop by at the mall to buy a few stuff for him and I can finally get the new socks I really wanted.

The gay sagala was fun. My cousins were there and almost all our neighbors in Lambak. The gays are pretty and fabulous. Many of them are nice and accommodating as well.

Matthew Gray Gubler and Joseph Gordon Levitt both posted a blog. I really wish I could meet them someday. It would be nice if I could also get to know Jackson Rathbone, Frankie Muniz, Shia La Beouf, and James Franco. I could have pictures and autographs and a few kilig moments.

Jackie's allotment came. And in a month's time I will have the opportunity to earn more and I will be earning more. I could buy those new shoes and clothes and give my mom some extra money as well. Maybe I will save some since I will be preparing for a big change in my career soon.

The point is, this is a good day. I thank God for not letting go of my hand.

Revisiting

Today is the fiesta in the old place we live in.

We went to visit my uncles who still live in the same place and my cousins and I caught up with each other. I didn't even glimpse at the old place we were staying in. The place is basically the same with the same people. Only now I noticed that there are more kids than before.

I never wanted to leave two years ago. Now, I don't want to return.

I practically grew up in the place. There are many happy memories there and quite a number of sad and traumatic ones too. I still love to stay there once in a while but to live there again is a different story.

The place has taught me a lot. That is where I started to dream and that is also where I stopped believing. My entire time with my Dad was there. Many of the best times with Ted was also in that place and there, is also where I lost him. I guess that loss was what made me allow my Mom to practically drag me away from the place we called home for almost 30 years.

But moving away was one of the biggest step I took in my life. It was also my first little step towards going back to my dreams.

I will always love that old place. However, life requires us to move from place to place so that growing up will take place. Our family have chosen to grow and it is the best choice ever.

Looking Forward to...

The weather is making me feel grumpy!

This is one thing that I have no control of but I can definitely do some adjustments. I can wear sleeveless tops, shorts, and my favorite sunglasses!

I had a great time with the kids today. Our activity was simple but came our fine. I have an idea of what we will do tomorrow and I am excited to prepare for it. Nothing beats a well planned lesson. Since I am conditioning myself that this will be my last year in school, I will organize all the materials and lessons for my Rainbow Curls class this coming school year.

500 Days of Summer is being replayed in Star Movies now. Joseph Gordon Levitt and Matthew Gray Gubler are just so gorgeous. This is about the fifth time I am watching and I can almost memorize the lines. Fox TV is showing Criminal Minds again and I will be watching again. Fringe season 3 will be showing its season finale in the US on May 6 and I can soon buy the DVD's.

I have a lot to look forward to!

Soon I will be busy so now is the time to do all the other extra stuff. I haven't been getting much sleep lately and as I said I have to fix my schedule so that I will not be cranky in the morning. And my diet! Goodness! I have been eating too much rice lately that there are times that I want to puke. I feel heavy everytime I eat too much so I might as well practice lessening my food intake. My daily exercise have been put aside because I have a lot of excuses like not having the right pair of shoes and having no budget for it. It is time to improve my blood circulation!!!

So... better start working. =)

Image in the Mirror

Growing up, you have heard people saying that you are one of the prettiest kids in town. People tell you that you are going to break hearts when you get older.

Then you grew up and went through that awkward pre-adolescent stage. You saw that there are prettier girls outside your world. Now, they tell you you are not really as beautiful as you think you are. You were too skinny, your chin is long, and your hair is terrible.

High school was more cruel. There was the stereotype fair skinned and meztiza beauties which you aren't. To add up, you don't like dressing up and combing your hair. You have crushes on guys who don't took notice even if you are the brightest girl in school. You keep telling yourself that you are not ugly but you can't tell yourself that you are beautiful too.

In college you thought it will all be over. But it was harder because at least in high school you have the grades to make up for it. In that university you were just another unpretty student who is on the verge of being kicked out.

It took a long time. It took rivers of tears. It took real friends - before you finally accepted yourself for who you are.

You have met people who like you have experienced ridicule and you can't believe what kind of eyes do those people have. You have seen great beauties who until their senior years have remained single. You have encountered some who in spite of their physical blessedness are still not content and have undergone so many surgeries they look like clowns.

They have shown you that beauty is not the only thing there is. Though it helps to have that visual appeal, at the end of the day, it still is who you are deep down that matters.

Now you know, the meaning of the saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

When you look in that mirror and see the beautiful person reflected, other people will see it too. It's time to show them that image in the mirror.

Walking on Sunshine

Losing the ability to dream and believe is a sad thing.

I have been on that road a couple of times and I have been avoiding straying there eversince. A life without an ambition is merely existing but not living at all. So no matter how my reality bitten brain tell me that some of my dreams are impossible, I would tell my hopeful heart to continue believing. Over optimism will break my heart thousand of times but I am taking the risk. I may not get hurt if I am jaded but it's a lonely life.

They always tell me that happiness is a choice. This is me choosing happiness.

I want to have that sunshine in my pocket and if I could, I want to be like sunshine to people around me. I know sadness can't be avoided. That is the reason why I have this blog, to release the negative feelings and keep them from bringing me down. Since nobody reads this, nobody will be infected. If somebody ever read this, they can definitely shield themselves because I will make sure to try expressing my self in a positive way. Anyway, even if I cannot understand what I am writing now, the only point is I want to be happy and I want people around me to be happy as well.

And that's it! The world is full of good things like ice cream, chocolates, flowers, kids, family, pets, friends, pork chops, mountain dew, sandwiches, salads, butterflies, stars, hearts, purple, pink, ferrari, matthew gray gubler, jackson rathbone, james franco, frankie muniz, joseph gordon-levitt, legolas, spencer reid, derek morgan, hotch, rossi, jj, garcia, harry potter, ron weasley, hermione granger, d&g blue, ck one, chucks, sneakers, twix, crunch, almonds, m&m's, airconditioning, Marlboro reds, etc... etc...

Nuggets from Ally Mc Beal

"We're not only wired to want what we can't have, but we're also wired to want what we really don't want."

Ally Mc Beal

Of all the television characters I have closely watched, Ally Mc Beal is the one I can most relate to. We are different in so many ways. Her emotional instability and ideal perception of love in particular are the ones that I often see in myself. I am in love with the idea of falling in love though I am not often given a chance to meet a guy who can at least play the role I want him to play in my life.

Since high school, I have been falling for guys that are out of my league. Most of them do not care or are not even aware that I exist. The pain of unrequited love is too much to bear, especially for an adolescent. I am not suicidal but there were moments in the past that I have thought of hurting myself just to get noticed. I grew past that eventually.

Then I had celebrity crushes. I would spend my days learning about them and imagining how I would meet them. Seeing news of them brings pain but not as painful as the ones I felt with ordinary guys not noticing me. Perhaps it is because I believe it is more acceptable to be ignored by a celebrity since they meet more people. Ordinary guys make you feel that someone is so near yet so far. Celebrities are just far, period.

"When guys are persistent, it's romantic, they make movies about that. If it's a woman, then they cast Glenn Close."

Ally Mc Beal

I just have to laugh at the reality of this. In my experience, i have observed that women fall in love more than men. When men go out of their ways to pursue the girl of their dreams, more girls love them and are dreaming of having one in their lives. But when women do the same, they are viewed as stalkers and men want to stay away from them. So what choice do women have but to keep their feelings to themselves. Though we believe that women are as free as men are, society has always marked a woman who is feisty enough to get what she wants.

"The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content. Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it."

Ally Mc Beal

The thing is, I have let some good men who actually want me go. They made it so easy that I never wanted them. Sometimes, the more you work hard for something or someone, the greater your love for that person is. Maybe this is why I am still alone, I still am enjoying the quest.

I just hope that it won't take forever for me. I am not getting any younger. I wish I could find the man who can make me stop and say that it is over.

"Sometimes... when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing."

Ally Mc Beal

Sentiments of a Fan (Just Saying)

Earlier, I wrote about how happy I am and how I want to hold on to this happiness. However, I read it somewhere in the net that Matthew Gray Gubler is dating a twenty year old model named Ali Michael. Huwaaaahhhhhh!!!!! huhuhuhu

Crazy! hahaha

Anyway, it doesn't matter what I think because I am just a fan from a far off country. Besides, Matthew Gray Gubler is thirty years old. He deserves to have a love life. To be honest though, inasmuch as I want to be happy for him - I'm not. Simply because I have this big crush on him right now. If I ever get over this infatuation, perhaps I'll be happy for him.

MGG is not exactly Justin Bieber. Younger fans are much possessive of their idols. However, he does have a lot of young fans. Even though I am not as young as they are, I know how they feel. The Leonardo, Kavana, and Orlando experience in my teens or at least in my twenties is still fresh in my mind.

But I won't stop being his fan even if he gets married. The way I still admire Orlando Bloom after he got hitched and the way I still watch every Leonardo Di Caprio movie after learning about his high profile romances. I like Matthew Gray Gubler for his creativity and humor not only because he is drop dead gorgeous. I still am going to support him whoever he gets involved with.

I can only speak for myself though. I'm not sure about the other hundred thousand fans. From what I read some are really heartbroken, others are happy. Me - I can only wish that he is happy.

H-A-P-P-Y

I feel happy right now.

And I want to hold on to this feeling because I don't want to go back to my periodic depression that plague me. I am full of dreams and inspiration. I talked to my sis recently, high school pals are still bugging me about a reunion, money is still so so but I'm okay with that because I am sure that more will come.

I want to go to church. Just reflect and pray to thank Him.

Maybe I would go for a run or dance later perhaps. I'll play music and perhaps sing karaoke. In short, I just want to be internalize and keep this happiness!!!

Woo Hoo

For the first time in a month - I have slept for eight hours! Woo hoo!!!

It's too early though so the nearby store is still closed. I had to walk a few meters to buy my coffee and have my cellphone loaded. It rained a little earlier, the roads are wet. I love the breeze! A big break from the scorching heat of the afternoon sun.

I feel good, better than I had before. Anyway, yesterday, I told Julie about my decision to get her tutorials. I'm really doing this! Hopefully, God will give me the determination to keep this and work harder. With more gasoline, I can cover greater distances. I can move on with my other plans. Hay! I wish I am always this giddy. The periodic depression makes me crazy.

So anyway, I want to have fun today since it's a Saturday.

Improving

We move in worlds within our little world.

There's our work world, our school world, a world with our friends, a world with our families. In each of these worlds, a certain order is observed although most of the time they appear to be chaotic. I have learned that at certain points of our existence, we must disturb that order so that we will grow as individuals.

I have made minor disturbances in my universes. I am always afraid of making a major one. They always mean pain and suffering. I am not good in dealing with them. I just tell myself that they too shall pass but if I can avoid them, I would at all costs.

My universe is a simple one. I have a close knit family who love and support each other at all costs. There are minor disagreements and the big ones that we don't have a similar opinion of are respected. I work in a small preschool which dreams of expanding and making a big name for itself in the future. My boss is unpredictable and moody but I learned and am still learning from her. My coteachers are simple ladies who have their own priorities and different personalities. I have different groups of friends, the gays, my cousins, my college pals, and my high school group. They are all important to me in varying degrees at different times.

My universe is a simple one.

However, as much as I love it as it is, I believe it is time to disturb it so that it becomes a better one.

Hmmm...

I am going to work in a few minutes.

I want to go back to bed and sleep but I am telling myself that this would only take 4 hours so I can sleep later in the afternoon. Besides, I have stayed up all night carving potatoes into letters C and G and that is hard.

I still haven't come up with an idea for extra income. I have a business in mind but I need capital so I might have to wait patiently so that I can purchase the equipment. I can apply for a loan but I am not sure if that will be enough.

Anyway, I just want to write down all my ideas before I forget them so that I can reread these stuff at a later time.

Step by Step

I have said that I will start brainstorming my goals in the next few days. Now, I tried that earlier but I am still not satisfied with what I came up with. I have realized though that what requires top priority now is finding an extra source of income.

Since I wasn't able to resign last January, I want to honor my contract and just pursue an additional money generating scheme while I am still with the school. Tutorials are the easiest way. I have one sure client and it's not enough. I am looking for extra students. Perhaps a student who can drop by the school between 2-4 pm so that I can come home at 8pm tops. I will be motivating myself to do my job very well, if possible, extra well.

I want to take care of what I have now because this is where I am supposed to start.

The last few years, I had a distraction. Now that it is gone, I should be back on track and focus on honing my craft and giving it enough time and dedication.

I am so excited!

Choosing Smiles

I haven't started brainstorming for my goals. For one, I am so pissed off with Globe telecom that I wasn't able to concentrate on the things I needed to do. Anyway, I am okay now because I started drawing again and I am done with my materials for tomorrow's class. Yey!

Also, my almost brother-in-law dropped by and brought some supplies for my nephew so we don't have to worry until payday comes. I am planning to continue with my novel later and I will do the goal setting thing.

I am feeling blessed right now because I am choosing at the sunny side of my life. I don't want Globe to ruin my day and my worries to take away the smiles that my one year old nephew brings me. If I get mad again, I'll start downloading pictures of matthew gray gubler, jackson rathbone, joseph gordon levitt, frankie muniz and james franco and print them afterwards. I will stare at their gorgeous faces until the frown leaves my face.

God is good, all the time.

Reflections from a Fortune Cookie

My new fortune cookie said:

"A goal is a dream with a deadline."

I have stated yesterday that I will start with setting goals. Now, I am weeding out the impossible ones from the doable ones. I figure out that I have to start small before they lead to big ones. I will be brainstorming in a while and if I finalize them, I am so blogging about it.

I just feel so thrilled because of how I can so relate to these mini-messages. They look like little messages from God guiding me what to do. =)

From a Fortune Cookie

My fortune cookie told me:

"A person is never too old to learn."

I have been analyzing why I am having these periodic depressions lately. I realized I am getting old and fears are settling in. I am in my thirty's now and looking at my batch mates in high school and college, I have never moved as far as I wanted to. I am beginning to feel that if I don't do anything now, I won't be able to. I guess I have to start with setting goals.

I really want to go back to school but I am not sure if I want to pursue my Masters. I want to take another course, perhaps in sewing or creative writing. I also want to learn how to play the piano and I want to take a basic acting course. All of those things I can apply in teaching preschoolers because honestly, I really want to be a great educator.

In college, I read that a teacher must be many things all at once. Apart from educating, a teacher must be an entertainer, an artist, a handyman, a guidance counselor, and a mother. True enough, in my more than ten years of teaching that my duties doesn't begin and end in the educating process.

God must have placed me here for a reason. I have planned on being a journalist but things happened that brought me to this profession. Since I am here, I want to make the most of this and be the best there is.

Not Enough Gas

Right now, I'm feeling miserable.

It's Easter Sunday. I haven't been to church since Christmas. I have a lot of making up to do with God. I pray every night but the every morning visit to church is not as regular as it used to. I know He understands but that doesn't make me feel less guilty at all.

Anyway, I was chatting with a high school classmate a while ago and she asked me about tuition in graduate school. I just realized how badly I want to enroll for the second sem. I was all set in applying for re-admission but unfortunately, I don't have enough resources. I don't even have a hundred pesos in my ATM right now! I was actually hoping that my sister will help me out but she got pregnant and she needs the money for the new baby so there goes my hope.

Last night, I talked to a former co-teacher who is now in the States. She asked me what my plan is. I told her what I plan to do and I realized how far fetched those plans are! I cannot move. I cannot do anything to pursue my goals just because I don't have money!

I remember Ted telling me that money is like gasoline. We cannot go down the road of our dreams because we don't have enough gas!

Well, I guess I just have to stop right now. I need to clear my head so that I can come up with a good solution to this self-imposed problem I have.

Before it becomes an Obsession - A Thanks to Matthew Gray Gubler

It's Good Friday and it's almost morning.

I spent the day reflecting on my faith and doing all the traditional Catholic stuff. When everyone is asleep though and nothing's good on TV - I am back to thinking about my latest interest - Matthew Gray Gubler.

I have been browsing the net for so long now. I am trying to get to know this gorgeous guy I am watching in Criminal Minds. Turns out that among the cast, he has the most followers on twitter and facebook. He seems to be a genuinely likable person. A lot of girls are going gaga over him and I even saw a video of a girl who wrote a song for him. Like it or not, Matthew Gray Gubler is a phenomenon in the making. Much like Leo Di Caprio after Titanic and Orlando Bloom after Lord of the Rings. If he manages to star in a box office film, he would be the most searched about name in Google and Yahoo.

When me and my best pal first started watching CM, we used to laugh at his wide forehead. We were in love with Thomas Gibson at first (being the Dharma and Greg generation). However, as we went on with the series, I fell in love with Matthew's character, Dr. Spencer Reid. I mentioned before that I am crazy for intelligent guys. Reid is intelligent but a bit lanky for my taste and his character is that of a typical nerd. Until it developed from episode to episode and I was hooked! Later, I was watching his every move and devouring his every word. So, I researched about him.

Getting to know Matthew Gray Gubler via the net just got me more hooked. I love his sense of humor, his artistic side and spontaneity. He has that approachable appeal that makes him more attractive. I love the way he wears clothes - what can I say he's a model. He looks great even if he's wearing dorky vests and sweaters. His mismatched socks are cute. His shoes, the sneakers just reflects how laid back he is. He seems nice to his fans and his passion shows with every interview and twit I read. He is proud of all his works. His drawings are unconventional but he managed to make them visually appealing. I watched 500 Days of Summer and an excerpt from RV and he is not Dr. Reid in those films. The mockcumentaries in youtube are hilarious. He can make himself look foolish and yet so cute!

Because of him I retried an interest that I almost tossed aside which is painting. I also tried sewing when I saw pictures of his finger puppets on his site and I am proud of my work so far. I was encouraged to explore my creative side. And here I am now going back to writing. My flash fiction blog is regularly updated. This blog which I call my expression blog became more transparent the way I wanted it when I signed up in blogspot. I have a new blog which is my random thoughts blog and as of now I am addicted to it.

I never thought that my crazy admiration for Matthew Gray Gubler will lead me to this. It made me a more expressive and should I say creative person.

I may not be able to meet him in this lifetime and in this universe. With his 100, 000 plus followers on twitter, I doubt if I'll even get one smiley twit back. He may not be able to find this or read this. But still, I want to shout it into the internet universe.

Thank you Matthew Gray Gubler!

Regrets and Believing

When I was young, I had big dreams. I saw myself working as a hotshot lawyer or sometimes a well-known journalist who owns a mansion and drives her own car. In school, they made me believe I am one of the best. At home, they always tell me I have what it takes to make it big.

Then when I was sixteen, reality gave me a slap on the face. A big one.

And I never recovered from that.

I graduated on top of my class in 1995 and got accepted in the country's best university on scholarship. I thought I could conquer the world until my dad had a stroke and my mom, in tears, told me that she isn't sure if she can raise us on her own. God was kind to our family, He helped us with our needs. A lot of trials came after that which we have conquered as a family. We became inseparable, our faith was much stronger. However, I lost my ability to dream.

I went to college knowing that even if I was the best in high school, I am a nobody in that big university. I didn't strive to bag honors, my only goal was to pass every subject so that I could graduate. I worked part time as a service crew in a fastfood chain and later as a tutor. I juggled my work and studies, telling myself over and over that I could get a better job if I have a diploma.

When I graduated, all I wanted was to have a job that pays a salary regularly. It doesn't matter how small it is as long as it comes on a regular basis. I have no dreams of making it big. My college records are not impressive. I had a few failing grades and most of the ones I passed just hit the passing mark. Why dream big? In reality, there are more people better than I am who are not making it big anyway.

When I turned 30 a few years ago, I laughed. I remembered that I used to believe that I am going to earn my first million before I reach that age. Now I'm past thirty and I don't even have a hundred pesos in my ATM. When I was a kid, I thought I am going to get married at the age of 27, and now, I'm still single and unattached.

I have disappointed myself so many times that I am so afraid to dream again.

Now, I keep asking myself, what if I didn't give up that easily? What if I looked at that afternoon when my mom tearfully told me about her fears as a motivation instead of defeat? Would I be enjoying a better life now?

A lot of people say that they do not regret their past because it made them who they are now. But me, I do have regrets. I do want to change a lot of things in the past. I know I could have done better but I did not. I let reality bring me down and I did not raise myself up. Maybe it's true that I wouldn't be as strong as I am now if those things didn't happen. But I would rather be weak than not having the ability to believe.

I want to believe in dreams again. I want to tell myself that it is not too late.

Sentimental Stupidity

Sometimes, you have to accept that there are things you cannot change.

Somebody said that if you can't solve something, it is not a problem, it is a reality. There are some struggles that bring too much pain which we try so much to lessen but can't seem to overcome are not worth fighting. They should be accepted and the only way to deal with them is to live with them. Like when someone you love doesn't love you back, you cannot force him or her. You have to live with it especially when you have done everything you could to make him or her fall for you. They also told us to try and try until we succeed but we can only try too hard. In this world, there are limitations that we have to accept.

I did everything I could to make him stay. I gave him all the time I could spare. I showed him I love him in the best way I could. I put up with his womanizing and frequent lying. I made myself believe that I am the only person in this world who could love him that way. I did everything I could. I gave him all until nothing was left.

I don't regret anything. I had to go through too much pain but in the end, I knew, that I loved him the best way I could. My heart was badly beaten. He left me feeling numb. He left me broken. I lost pieces of myself. Then again - looking back, I couldn't care much less.

Sometimes, you have to accept that there are things you cannot change.

I cannot change what he had done and how I dealt with it. But I can accept that the world is still beautiful and there are still good men out there who are willing to love me the way I want them to. With this mind, I am not just getting over him but I am also moving on. I am ready to go out and meet new people.

RIP

Be and Be

Better be apart than destroy each other's world

Love is not a one way street

July 2005 - January 2009