Welcome 2011!

The fireworks are over. It's now eerily quiet in the house. Even the roads outside are making no sounds. As I've mentioned earlier, 2010 has been a good year. Though I encountered a lot of frustrations and confusions - most of the memories are generally good. So now, I am writing a letter for the year that came.

Dear 2011,

I am welcoming you with a smile. I am hopeful that you will be more fruitful than the past year. In 9 months you are going to make me older and I hope, wiser as well. I don't have plans for you yet. But I do have resolutions because as you know, I'm a resolution freak. When I was much younger, I didn't imagine what you would be like. Now, I still have no idea but I am hopeful that you will be really good to me.

I have listed down my resolutions in my earlier blog entry. Perhaps I will write it down in another piece of paper so that I would always be reminded of the things that I promised I would do. It's your first day and I haven't slept yet. But technically, the 9pm sleeping time will take effect later right?

I have to push myself harder this time. I need to have that determination and will to make my wishes true. Without further ado,

Wecome 2011!

Cheers!

Last Day

This is the last day of 2010. The last day of staying up till the morning, eating junk, and wasting money. I am currently listening to the Morning Rush and the top ten topic is letter for 2010 or for someone from 2010. The other day, I saw the RoRo reax asking what for them is the highlight of 2010. Now, on December 31, 2010 - I am trying to review the year but so many things happened and they all happened so fast.

There were depressing moments. When I try to remember what upset me, I can't even recall them anymore. There were a lot of happy moments - moving in to our new place, Adie's first steps, RX moments with Chez, new cyber friends, malling with friends, meeting up with Jingle and a lot more.

The high school reunion, my first time in a gay bar, party peeps party, Adie shouting at me, being accepted at essays, the interview with the singaporeans, hanging out at lea's place, staying up with gladys, beauty sessions with analynn. Hay! ang dami talaga.

Later, I will say goodbye to 2010. The happiness I am feeling just trying to count all those wonderful moments will make me welcome 2011 with more longing, love, and hope.

Resolutions Again and I Love it!

The year is about to end. Here I am, savoring the few days left of my vacation. I haven't slept normally for about two months now and I guess the best resolution for 2011 is to sleep like normal people. I mean it wouldn't hurt to sleep at 8 pm and be more productive the whole day.

I have posted on my fb wall that I wouldn't change just because it's new year. Well, the fact is I am a resolution freak. I love making new year's resolutions which yearly, I fail to carry out. I always proise myself that this year it would be different. Then again, it's me who's talking.

However, this doesn't stop me from making more resolutions. I even have my quarterly and midyear resolutions. As usual I can't carry them out but I guess that's how my life is. I love making promises to change some things about my lifestyle because this gives me something to look forward to. Just dreaming of how better my life would be if I were more disciplined is enough to make me try.

So as early as now I am preparing my list and here are some of them:

1. I will sleep at 9 pm (because I come home @ 8)
2. I will eat less at night
3. I will jog/walk at least three times weekly
4. I will do more writing
5. I will be more patient with my students
6. I will see good things in other people
7. I will smile more
8. I will give my best in everything I do
9. I will save money
10. I will go to church more

I am excited already! I have three days to eat everything I want and sleep anytime I want and I will make the most of it. Next time, I will tell you about my plans. =)

Noche Buena

It's my favorite part of Christmas as a grown up - the noche buena.

This is the time when my mom prepares food that we can hardly consume. Every year, we plan on lessening our dishes. However, every year - it's still too much. That's okay though because it means we'll have more food for the next day.

This is also the time when we exchange gifts. But due to the crisis, not all of us have gifts for each other this year. Well, it's alright. Our family is complete. Baby Adie is one year and three months old and there is a man who is brave enough to be his father.

What makes this year Noche Buena special is that we held it in our own place!

This is the first time that only us, our immediate family is here. We are not living in our relative's house and no one dictated us on what to cook and not to cook.

Don't get me wrong. I love my relatives - I do. It's just that this is the only real time that we are free of them. It's nice to be away from them once in a while because it makes us miss them. We don't feel so pressured and suffocated with their demands and dictates.It also makes us feel free.

It would have been doubly fun if my dad were still alive. He always looks forward to this night. Yes, I still miss him specially on occasions like this.

Lack of Sleep

I don't think this is insomnia.

It's just a stupid sleeping pattern all haywire from my lack of discipline.

It's almost 5 a.m. and I'm still awake. I hate the heaviness I feel when I wake up at half past noon. Yet, I can't will myself to sleep at 8 pm. It's almost Christmas. I haven't wrapped my gifts yet. I stay up all night surfing the net and reading books - things I could do later or some other time. Yes, I am undisciplined and I am beginning to hate myself for it.

I know what my problem is as you can see. However, I am not doing the necessary steps to solve it. I blame the net for being open for 24 hours. I blame the pirated DVD's I could easily buy off the streets. I blame everything else except me.

I am acting like a child. Eversince, this has been my problem. I remember staying up until the national anthem plays on the local TV station when I was around five or six. I would mess up our room until I get tired. My mom even told me that I stayed up for two straight days until I passed out.

This is getting out of hand. I hate the feeling I get in the morning everytime I stay up until the wee hours of the morning. The feeling that life passed me by.

Holiday Blues

The Christmas season is the busiest time of the year in this country. As early as September, people are already preparing for that one grand day. I'm a Catholic and I'm a believer. I love celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. I share, I party, I shop.

It's just that lately, I am getting tired. Maybe it's because of the age. I just can't stand the number of people in the malls and tiangges. A lot of times I find myself computing how much I need to spend just to buy all those gifts. In parties, I don't enjoy alcohol that much. I am not very interested in conversation as well. I enjoyed getting together with some high school classmates and singing with my fellow teachers but after the affair, I can't seem to remember why I was so happy in the first place.

I can't say I'm lonely. I have my family to keep me up and about. Maybe I'm just bored and getting out with friends is not the thing that I want to do right now.

I almost forgot, it's my Dad's birthday today. Happy birthday Dad!

Anyway, I have been sleeping at six in the morning and waking up at three in the afternoon. I always get that feeling that life had passed me by when I wake up. Maybe I should start with forcing myself to sleep earlier.

Tomorrow I could try that; but now, I think I'll stay up late and do some more writing.

Confused (Again!)

Period is over. Now it's time to look forward.

Tomorrow is Monday once more. I want to see the kids. I'm excited to practice our dance for the Christmas program and tell them the story of the first Christmas. Well I just hope that tomorrow they will be more attentive and "behaved" than the last week.

I'm still having dilemmas about what I should do next. I don't want to resign from my job just because I already told everyone of my plans. The thing is, I have nowhere to go right now. My hopes of getting that Singapore job are dim. I want to enroll next year but if I resign, where in the world will I get my tuition?

I want to have a heart to heart talk with my boss. Maybe she can help me decide. I had the talk with my family and all they told me is to do what I think is best. But I don't know what is best. I am confused.

Jitters

Once more, I am trying my hand at writing.

Yes! Writing as in the article type like the ones I used to do for our high school paper and the ones I wanted to write before college turned me into a jaded realist. Not the ones I am writing now, you know, the diary/emotional type of writing that I've been doing lately. I am not even sure if my grammar is as good as it was before but I am trying. I am going back to the thing that I wanted to do before life's successive bites pushed me into teaching.

After yesterday's rants about giving up the academe - I realized that my problem is not about losing my passion for educating kids. I still want to teach kids. I am just exhausted from all the pressures and just like my students who are facing bits of failure, I am getting frustrated. I am not quitting. I have chosen this vocation so I am sticking with it. But while I am still frustrated and exhausted, I think that going back to my first love will not jeopardize my teaching. I am just finding an outlet so that I can regain the enthusiasm I used to have in my "real" job.

So anyway, inasmuchas I am excited to do real writing again, I am very nervous. I look at the writing assignments available but old fears are setting in. What if I do a lousy job? What if I write junk? What if the editors and senior writers laugh at my work?

I decided that since I am all jittery now, I would not take assignments yet. I will just wait a while, take a breather until I put myself together and be able to take in all the changes brought about by recent events.

And when I do get rid of all these jitters, I would be able to convince myself that I am indeed a writer. =)

This Time I'm the Boss II

I am still not feeling so good.

I am not mad. Just a little cranky maybe. But not angry. It's just that I feel like I did my job well inspite of my endless rants about changing my profession and wanting to be kid-free for a while. I have my imprfections. I shout at my kids, I punish them if necessary but I love them. I hate to admit this but I do love my students. I don't want to lose any of them. I can't just let one of them go without being able to tell myself that I did everything I could to teach them what they need to learn.

My techniques and classroom management techniques are far from perfect. However, each day, I try to hone my craft even if I am feeling the boredom and stagnation. I have been in the same place for 5 years and 3 months now. I can't feel that I am moving forward and most of the time I feel like I am wasting my UP education here.

Everyone needs to grow. I want to change fields after this school year to give myself time to do just that. But can't they at least wait until March before they take this kid away from me? Am I that bad that they want to do this now?

Anyway, I can't do anything about their decision. It's their kid, not mine. I understand that they want the best for him. I guess I am not as good as I want myself to be.

It's just that there are things that I need to consider when I implement discipline in my classroom. These are preschool kids and this is a critical period in a human being's life. I am very careful not to traumatize any of them. I also have to consider the parents' feelings when I enforce my class rules. I am just so afraid to ruffle feathers that in the end - it is my students who suffers the most. And I can't let that happen.

So I guess I won't back out now.

I really would give my profession a thought. I can't live with the pressure anymore. Sometimes, I even dream of things happening in the classroom. I am stressed and I need a break. A hiatus from all this hoola.

This Time I'm the Boss

I am not feeling so good right now.

I have a feeling that one of the parents will pull out her child from school. Part of me is sad because I have become attached to the kid. A part of me is relieved because I will have one less student to think about. And I am a bit nervous because I am not sure if I am the reason for the mother's sudden loss of interest in our school.

Lately, my methods were not as ideal as I want them to be. I easily flare up and my patience is shorter than my eyelashes. I have concentrated on academic development that I forgot to consider the children's socio-emotional aspects. I am taking full responsibility. It's my fault. I have made my mistakes. I will apologize to the parent and get on with my life.

I will stop trying this time. I will stop trying to please the parents and my superior. I will just do this job. Execute the lessons and discipline the kids my own way.

I am tired of explaining myself to everyone. I am tired of working to gain their approval. I am tired of competing for attention.

This time, I will do things my way and if they don't like it - so be it!