Two Days before Resolutions

2013 is about to say goodbye. And yes, I am thinking of resolutions and I can't even imagine how I would carry them out.

But it is a tradition that I do every year and as I said before, I rarely make them come true. This year, I want it to be different. I would set my standards higher and I would gather more courage, determination, and dedication. I would motivate myself to make them come true no matter how hard because honestly, every year I am getting more and more of them come true. Because I finally realized that the only thing I need to have is that self drive.

So anyway, I still have two days. Till then, by then - it will be good.

Well, I checked my January entry for 2013 and darn! I was able to do about 50% of each of them. Meaning: I have started well and ended up badly. My ningas kugon gene is at work I might as well get rid of it.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is over. And yes, I felt the spirit two days or maybe a week before the actual day came. I spent it with the kids and my family. Though I was not able to meet up with my dear friends, we were able to send our greetings via text and social media.

Below are some of the highlights of my pre-Christmas and Christmas celebrations.

1. The children's Christmas Party (December 16, 2013)

It was the usual day of fun, games, food sharing and gift giving.

2. The teachers' Christmas Party (December 17, 2013)

We ate out. It's actually my second plate. =)

3. The Christmas Program (December 18, 2013)

Quite tiring actually but worth it.

4. Noche Buena (December 24, 2013)

I made Korean bbq and buffalo wings.

5. Christmas Day (December 25, 2013)

Great day with family!

The New Year is about to come.

So far, 2013 has been good to me personally but quite trying for my country.

We are all hoping that 2014 will be good to all of us. =)

Waiting for it

Christmas season is here.

But I am not really feeling it.

The disasters that hit our country in the past months make us feel somewhat guilty about celebrating the Holidays lavishly. It is already the second week of December but I don't see a lot of people going to the malls. Many companies cancelled their Christmas parties and even some did not give bonuses. I am happy that we are doing our parts in helping those who were affected by the recent calamities. I am not complaining, it's actually a better way of celebrating, it just feels different.

I think I just got older. Unlike when I was a kid when I used to receive all those presents and feel the cold air - I am the one giving gifts and climate change ruined the Christmas breeze.

It will be better I know, after all, the real meaning of Christmas is not just merrymaking and all those commercial stuff. I'd feel it and I'd be happy.

humdrum

Aaaarrrrggghhhh!!!

This is one of those days.

Days when I am so stressed out that the feeling of pressure suddenly turns to apathy. I am blanking out and I want to abandon work all together and just relax. I really want to go to a beach, lie on the sand and immerse myself in lukewarm seawater. I want to watch hot shirtless guys run around while I silently wish that they notice me.

Well... I can only wish.

I have tons of paper work, Christmas planning is also underway, exams are also here and there. I have started some of them. And yes, I am planning to use my Flash power to finish all of them. I know I can do them, I am a buzzer beater remember. I get my power when I can hear the clock ticking loudly.

I just wish that my marriage wouldn't be the same. =)

Weaning

It's already Friday.

Yes. I have spent my entire sembreak watching Korean dramas. I don't feel really bad bout it. I was able to rest and enjoy but it's school time soon and I would have to accustom myself to my old routine once more.

So now, I am in the process of weaning. I am trying to stay away from anything Korean or Japanese and I am going back to my dear Doctor Reid and enjoy Ted Mosby's company. PerhapsI can watch "Notting Hill" again and just feel giddy about having a celebrity come accidentally into my life.

I have to do this now and I have to go back to my old sleeping pattern lest I end up like a zombie in my first week back to work.

Longing, Wishing, and Hoping

It's another Friday and inasmuch as I am happy that another work week is about to end, I am feeling uneasy because time flies by so fast.

As usual, I have a lot of things to do. Things I'd rather not do and I can choose not to do but I would do. I am mentally listing them but afraid to put them down on paper because they would overwhelm me and make me feel lazy again.

What I really want to do right now actually is to watch "Master's Sun" again and savor each heart fluttering, scream inducing moments and fall for So Ji-sub all over again. Gah! I really miss feeling that way for a real person. Good thing Korea and Japan don't run out of handsome actors I can drool over with lest I forget how it feels like to have a crush on someone.

One day I hope I can go to Korea and Japan so that I can at least have a sniff of the air they are breathing.I wish to set my foot upon the land they walked on for at least once in their lives. I want to lay my eyes on the sights they see from day to day.

It's just a longing.

And I know there is a possibility.

A much higher possibility of becoming real than wanting to see them or meet them.

I hope I can make them true.

Sucked in Once More

I am in love with another drama and another Hallyu star. This is what I hate about long weekends -it sucks me in another dimension and before I am even aware of it, I am the one refusing to leave.

"The Master's Sun" ate up my time but it left my heart full of hope, happiness, and giddiness. It made me hug my pillow, literally scream, and clutch my chest. And every time I see So Ji sub Oppa's face, I am biting my lower lip and holding tight on the table.

It's just so nice to call someone Oppa. I am actually not into older guys but seeing his face and those funny expressions on it made me drool. I didn't really look at him in "Memories of Bali" (because of the sizzling hot Zo In sung). I guess it was because his character. He rarely smiled in that drama.

Anyway, I know I'll get tired of this soon. Just like before.

But right now, just like my past visits to Hallyu land - I'll savor it and enjoy it. =)

Long Weekend Blues

I have another long weekend.

And I have a lot of things to do. But I am not pressured. The sembreak is about to come and I can do all the things I need to do.So I am relaxed. I am actually feeling a little hungry now.

A lot of things are going on in my mind. I want to do a lot of things, a lot of goals to reach and a lot of dreams to achieve. And as usual, I don't know where to start.

Gladys invited me for a night out earlier but my finances are not enough right now. I wanted to continue my novels but it seems Zoe and the rest of my characters are boring. I hate to abandon them without closure but I am not sure where they are going. I need a good source of inspiration to fuel up my imagination but I can't find it right now.

I don't want to sleep. Oversleeping makes my head ache and makes me nauseous. I hate those feelings.

Aaaarrggghhhh!

Hay! I can figure out what I want to do soon.

Touched and Inspired

I am easily touched and inspired by movies or TV shows that I watch. Just a few hours ago, I have seen an episode of MMK that inspired me.

I can relate to the dilemmas of the protagonist, about her looks, about other people putting you down just because you don't fit in to the stereotypical beauty. I remember being discouraged to join a sagala just because they are afraid that people will say bad things about me. I remember laughing loudly to fight the tears from falling when I heard one really ugly guy saying I am ugly. There were countless times that I was not given an opportunity just because of my looks. (But I am over that stage now. I know I am not ugly,neither am I a knock out but I have accepted how I look a long time ago.)

I can also relate when she made up reasons not to pursue her dreams just because of past discrimination that she received. She opted to be underemployed because of disappointments and fears. And I guess this is the part of her story that I can relate to the most. I have a good job but I know, and even people around me know, that I can do better. I keep making up reasons not to leave because I cannot tell them, that the real reason is I am afraid. I am afraid that I'll get rejected and I will not succeed.

However, the lead character said during her interview, that no matter what happens to her after that - she will be happy. Because she knows that at least she tried to take a step toward her dream.

And now I am inspired.

I will make my move. I will take a step. And if I fail, I can at least tell myself that I tried.

Wanting so Many, Getting Nothing

I'm in the middle of cramming my paper works for tomorrow. I am making progress and as of now, I am taking a brief break because I am really not in the mood to do all of these.

I want to watch a movie, or read a book, or make some sushi and do some crochet projects along the way. I have no stories in my head so fiction writing is not an option. I want all the pressures of my job to be over so I can do all of them and smile once more. I want to indulge in my illusions of grandeur. I want to think happy thoughts and imagine all my dreams coming true. I want to gather all the courage that I need to take steps in reaching my goals.

I want so many things that I can't get anything.

I can't even name which of them I like the most.

Letting go of Regrets

I have complained a lot of times how twenty four hours doesn't seem to be enough for me to complete my job and do the things I love and fulfill my personal responsibilities. But still, I am trying to do my very best to accomplish tasks and reach goals. However, I have come to realize that even if my mind is willing to do all it takes to give everything my best shot, I am not as young as I used to.

My energy is not as high as it used to be.I am having difficulty going through the day if I lack sleep when in college I used to go for weeks with just an hour or two of it. Before, I can still manage to meet up with my ex and hang out with my barkada on a school night. Now, I can't even insert my planned daily run. When I get home, I just feel so exhausted all I want to do is watch my favorite soap opera and surf the net.

Now, I have another regret. That is, I wish I had this mindset to be the best in everything I do when I was much younger.I could have graduated with honors in college.I could have landed a better job. I could have fulfilled my responsibilities to this family a long time ago had I been as determined as I am now.

I could have waited until I had enough money to party. I could have managed my time better in high school. I wish I wasn't contented with a 3 in my class card. I wish I knew the importance of hard work. I was too boastful, too confident. I wish I wasn't aware that I was smart enough to get through those exams without reviewing.

But it's all in the past and I can't bring that time back.

I still have now.

And even if I am much slower than I used to, I still can.

Pep Talk - for Myself

Birthday month is almost over. Met up with good friends, celebrated with teachers and family but I wasn't able to hear mass.i went to church, thanked God for another good year but I think it's still different if there was a priest and a choir and Bible reading. Anyway, I can find the right time.

So far, things are okay. I am just a bit worried because I am falling behind from all the paper work.I am once again feeling the need for an extra hour or two each day. I can't rely on caffeinated and energy drinks all the time. There is so much to do but here I am again not knowing where to start.

A lot of things are going on in my mind. I am now at that age when I can't say that I am still young and I still can do things tomorrow. I just feel so left behind professionally, financially, socially, and even intellectually. I want to catch up to my peers. I used to be on the lead and so many things happened along the way that I just saw myself lagging behind and not caring.But now, I want to catch up once more but I am not sure if I have the what it takes to get back to where I used to be.

I don't want to blame the circumstances that happened when I was much younger because I believe that I always had a choice. Somehow, my need for things which I used to think are very important (and now I believe otherwise), made me choose stupid decisions. I knew what I should have done and chosen, I was just too stubborn to pick the correct path. I was confident that I would have enough time to undo my mistakes but I realized too late that I have chosen a path which was beyond my abilities.

Don't get me wrong, this is not giving up. I am still hoping that I can still manage to rise up, I know I can still find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But now, it's just too difficult because I am not as young as I used to. I don't have that old idealism and that "ain't no mountain high enough" attitude. As the elders used to say, "matigas na ang buto." I am struggling with habits which grew on me and beliefs that took root within my psyche. I know I need to change a lot of things. It is just so difficult to do because I had been living like this for so long now that changing is really scary.

But I know I still could so I would.

I would keep trying to get out of my comfort zone and catch up.

Post Birthday Celeb with BFF's

It's a bit overdue but as I said before, September is my birthday month and until this month is over, celebs won't end. This time, I celebrated with my BFF's Gladys and Ana in Cafe Lidia.

The food was great, our conversations even better. And of course, when the three of us are together, picture taking won't be absent.



I'm so thankful that I have chosen to keep these two wonderful people as my best friends. =)

When Looking at the Weighing Scale is Scary

I have been struggling with weight issues for quite some time now. Every year, it had always been a part of my New Tear's resolution to work out and watch what I eat.

But after almost five years, my weight has been continuously going up instead of down. The reason - mainly is my lack of discipline.

I have lost weight before. I was in a relationship at that time and we were having problems. I focused on myself instead of him and I succeeded in trimming three inches off my waistline and about 10 lbs in almost three months. I thought it would be easy to do that again. But I am wrong. I have gained back what I've lost and even added more.

Now, I don't have any motivation plus I can't find the time in my jam packed schedule. I have tried starting but I always ended up backsliding. But I really, really want to have my old figure back.

Call me superficial, call me selfish but I just want to be able to wear those cute dresses and other outfits without looking like a pregnant woman or a pregnant hippo. I want to wake up every morning and like what I see in that mirror.

I want to look good. I need to look good.

When the Blog becomes the Tissue

I have started this blog as an online diary. I have been keeping journals since I have learned to write and I regularly put down into words what I couldn't say out loud in real life. However, I always keep notebooks lying around and there were many instances when my mom (of all people) have read my personal accounts. Keeping this blog had prevented those incidences from happening. My mom can operate a computer but she can't easily access a password protected account. =)

I am not a very sociable person as I have stated before. My only form of social life is my workplace, a handful of long time friends, and social media. And lately - I am getting irritated by people who post every detail of their lives on their FB walls and Twitter updates. Sabi ko nga, kulang na lang pati utot nila i-post.

I know that some kindred souls read some of my entries mostly by chance and have felt what I have been feeling everytime I read those irritating statuses. And I realized that I am in a way, similar to those people who irked me. Well, whoever you are, I am apologizing. I know that when I am feeling down I should use a tissue instead of my blog but you see, my blog is much better than a tissue. Writing down my feelings won't leave me with swollen eyes and I am not adding to pollution by not throwing any trash. =)

Now I understand why some of my social media friends are like that.

We all need some form of release, we all want someone to hear us.

I would still continue writing cheesy stuff here and vent my emotions and frustrations now and again. But I would try to write it in such a way that occasional readers would be affected positively and not be sucked in by my occasional rants.

I really wish I could write better and I really hope that I could gain new friends.

Another Year

Another year...

And I celebrated this special day happily with my co-teachers, students, and family. I wasn't able to invite my friends over since our day offs are different but since it is our culture in the Philippines to have month long celebrations - I will make it up to them. After all I have about sixteen more days in my birth month.

I am still a bit dazed. I have been receiving so many greetings and a lot of blessings lately. As I was typing this, I am actually smiling from ear to ear and I have that stupid dreamy look on my face. Nothing extraordinary happened. I was just reminded that I am loved and so many people actually care for me.

So... I am just thankful.

For the happiness, for the love, for the lessons learned, for another year.

And like what they wished for me - I hope there would be more to come. =)

Crossroads, Decisions, Challenges

The past few days were really very happy. So happy that I did not find the time to update any of my blogs.

I went out with my friends and I missed them so much that I didn't care if a lot of work was left undone. Now, I have so much to do and I am lacking sleep again. I have been late for more than a month now and I don't know if the traffic got worse or I am just waking up much later than I used to. I am under pressure again because I have too much in my hands and yet - I have the best feeling in the world. I am useful, I am functional, and I am living no just plain alive.

I will be in my mid-thirties in a few days.

There are so many decisions that I have to make soon. Gladys and I are wondering if this is what they call midlife crisis. Maybe this is and up to now, I am still undecided. Actually, I know what I want but my fears are holding me back. I am afraid of the adjustments I have to make and I am doubtful if I can adapt as well as the others. Add to that, my biological clock much louder than before and my uterus is shouting out for something that normally resides there that should have been there some 10 years ago. I am still yearning to find that one true love but the logical part of me is beginning to doubt if he will ever come.

I want to believe that I can still have that happy ever after. But each day, a new dilemma comes, and over the years they have piled up that I don't know which one I should prioritize anymore.

As they say though, that is the spice of life. Without challenges and hurdles to overcome, life would be meaningless.

So as I approach another crossroad, I wish for wisdom, good health, and more determination.

Life is good. It can be better. =)

This Point

I know I need to rest.I can feel my eyes drooping.

I also know I have to finish some things. I can hear the clock ticking.

But here I am, once again, complaining and letting the lazy hormones take over. My life has turned into a vicious cycle and I thought I have found out what is wrong. But still, things are the same. I always come back to this point -the point where I just want to stare at an empty computer screen or play facebook games or daydream about my Korean and Japanese crushes.

Why oh why am I like this? I have stated it over and over that I want to change my ways. My spirit is willing but my body is weak. Do I need to consult a doctor? Do I need special medicine?

I will get through this. I will get my mojo back.

I just hope this time, I could hold it for a much longer time.

Laban Pa!

It's back to the real world tomorrow!

Aaarrrgghhh!!!

I only did half of what I was supposed to do and I am quite nervous because I know I would be cramming again in the next few days. I hate the feeling of not having enough time. I hope I could still finish what I need to finish. I still have a week to go before La Salle's final exam and I hope I can make the worksheets as smoothly as I was able to make the others while still attending to my daily tasks in school.

I am serious about getting the best result and giving my all in all the tasks that I need to do.I am serious about changing my ways.

So I will not lose that determination, no matter how hard it is to hold on to it.Laban pa!

Mom's Special Day

We celebrated Mom's birthday today. The smile on her face is priceless.

We had brunch and we gave her our gift. The kids ran around, we enjoyed our meal. Overall, it was one fine day for the family.

And I hope we'll have more days like this.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Ningas-Kugon Family

Waaaahhhhh!!!

That long vacation resurrected my lazy bone!Just thinking about the amount of work I need to do makes me want to lie down and sleep all day. I need some physical and mental power to do what I need to do. I have to do my job or else I wouldn't be able to buy something, no, a lot of things that I need to and want to buy.

Why am I like this?

I am suffering from a bad case of "ningas-kugon." I was so excited, enthusiastic, and determined at the beginning but my fire seems to die out in the middle of any project that I am doing. No wonder I can't finish a decent novel, my output is mediocre, and my successes are half baked. I want to bang my head on the wall right now. How do I keep the fire burning?

Now I realize that this is actually an inherited trait. My Dad and my uncles are all talented and smart. They are not really lazy but they are only good in beginning projects. They always fail to follow through. No wonder we did not become rich. Now, I am doing the same thing. The Tiamzon males have passed on that ningas-kugon gene to me, my cousin Mitzi, and even my older sister.

It's time to break off the tradition, jump off the band wagon and start changing this bad habit. Yes! I will work! =)

Just Thinking

Amidst the unpredictable rain and the fear of being flooded, many of my online friends were busy lashing out at the congressmen and senators involved in the pork barrel scam. Not being interested in politics, I just ignored many posts and commentaries about the issue and focused on living my life and doing what I usually do, work.

But this is not to say that I have turned apathetic. I am concerned too, I have kept myself informed. As an ordinary citizen, what can I do? I want to say that I am too busy living my own life to care. Yes, I am indeed very busy. But I care. I am affected by this issue because I live in this country. But what else can I do but read, listen, and speak up if necessary.

How can people be that selfish and greedy?

Millions of people are working hard to earn. How can they sleep soundly on their soft beds and air conditioned rooms knowing that they stole all those money from people who haven't slept for days working? Do they even care if people die because of poverty?

It makes my head ache just thinking of all these questions.

I have lost the idealism of youth to believe that change is possible. I was too young to understand EDSA 1 and I was one of the many who participated in EDSA Dos. Nothing happened, the same people are still in power. Somehow, I could only pray that a Messiah would come to save this country.

Proud to be a Filipino

The flood waters rose higher earlier this afternoon. Many of the places south of Manila were flooded. I was a bit calm yesterday, thinking that we are safe since we are in the east but I was woken up by my Mom around twelve in the afternoon making the memories of Ondoy come back. We immediately transferred our things to higher places and kept watch. The water is about an inch away from our door. I silently said a prayer, asking God not to let the past happen to us again.

God is good.

Not long after, the rain stopped and the flood subsided.

It did not enter our house, we are all safe and dry.

And it is true, the Filipino spirit is waterproof. We are in a country where storms are regular and flooding is almost a regular occurrence. We cannot avoid it and although it is true that we are partly to blame for not taking care of our environment, many of us have found ways to adjust. Countless footage of Filipinos helping one another are airing in news programs and circulating in social media. During trying times like this, the world can see how our people help one another, how people swimming in flood water still manage to smile and how resourceful and creative we can get.

I am truly proud to be a Filipino.

Rainy Day Musings

It rained nonstop last night...

I wasn't able to sleep.

The memories of Ondoy and last year's Habagat have taught me a lot not to be lax in this kind of weather. I am calm but I am vigilant.

The sky is clearing a little, thank God. Now, I am planning to work on a lot of things. Work - naturally. I haven't been writing a lot lately and it seems my interest is waning. My schedule is so jam packed, I cannot squeeze in my characters. I haven't cooked anything new in a while as well. And though I have printed patterns, I haven't started on a new amigurumi projects. I still find time to watch Korean and Japanese dramas and movies though. However, I watch while checking papers and making worksheets.

There are so many things I want to do but right now, I need to earn a lot first. I am trying to enjoy what I do and trying my best not to get stressed out over small matters. I am also trying to sleep earlier and eat healthier. I am doing my best to save some money to buy the things I want to reward myself with.

It's time to go up. I have experienced how it was like to be down, I have nowhere to go but up. My family will experience happiness now. God will take care of us.

Just like the rain, everything is washed out to make way for the new. Things will be good. The world will be better.

A Rock to Lean On

It's another sort of a hell week for me once more.

Hell week is the term we used to use in college to refer to the last few weeks of a semester. The time when we need to rush reports, submit papers and take really difficult exams.

It is almost the end of the first quarter for most schools, including us. I am so dizzy preparing exam papers and reviewers for my students. To top it all there are certain issues I have to deal with in my family and colleagues at work. I can't wait for the hoolabaloo to be over so that I can go back to my life of predictable events and boring routines.

Well, actually, I am fine with the way things are. I can still manage and since I am the master of cramming, I still have grace under all these pressures. I have always been saying this and I don't want to sound like a hypocrite but praying really helps a lot. When moments come that I don't know where to start or I am feeling so low I want to just run away from everything - the knowledge that God is here to help me out calms me. When worries rock my world, He gives me assurance that everything has a reason and I will come out as a winner each time. When unexpected blows shake me, He holds me tight and reminds me that I have been through much worse.

So even if I am currently under pressure, having a lot of worries, and being shaken by unexpected events - I have a rock to lean on.

Colorful People

It's another Saturday for me in this side of the planet. 6:34 p.m. The sun has just set, the night has begun. I am stuck here at home with no plans. I wonder if my friends would insist on meeting up. We were planning to last week but work intervened and here I am now - nganga!

So I guess I will be back to watching whatever is available on the internet. Itazura na Kiss Love in Tokyo wrapped up last week and I am not in the mood to watch Fabulous Boys. Perhaps I'll watch Hana Yori Dango from the beginning again and fall in love with Tsukushi and Tsukasa's love story once more.

And work, yes, I will do some work so that when Monday comes, I wouldn't feel like I have wasted my weekend. I will be very busy with whatever work is available and try to come up with more money making schemes so that one day I can publish any of my stories. I do hope I can finish all those novels I started and be able to come up with characters who can touch other people's lives.

Gaaaahhhhh!!!! I miss my friends. In real life, nobody else can be as colorful as they are.

Kiss hug

Ai Otsuka - Planetarium

Stricken by JPop

There are two Japanese songs that strike a chord in me.

When I first listened to them, it was as if they were my songs. I felt overly emotional and I couldn't explain why. It's definitely not because of the current issue I am facing or because I suddenly remembered Tsukushi and Tsukasa's love story (yes, the songs are both from Hana Yori Dango). It was as if my chest is, not heavy, there's a tinge of pain and happiness. Maybe this is what they call, bittersweet feeling. I really can't find the words to describe it.

Now I am playing them over and over until I get tired of them or until I can sing to them even if my knowledge of the Japanese Language is very limited. I desperately want to fall in love again. Here are the songs.

1. Planetarium by Ai Otsuka



2. Kiss Hug by Aiko

Unexpected

I never expected that I would be emotional.

It was good news actually, a blessing but with it comes a lot of problems. I am worried more for my Mom's well being than any one else. Just when things are about to get better for this family, this came. I know God has a reason, I am having difficulty accepting it right now, my Mom too, but we will. In His Time.

I just can't put a finger to what I am feeling right now. Yes I am disappointed, I feel like I don't have the guts to face some people, I pity the person involved, I am worried about the future. The hodgepodge of emotions is making it more difficult for me to focus and do my job well. The kids sensed it this morning and they were extra monstrous.

Now I understand how other people feel.

Happy Sunday =)

I went to church but was not able to complete the mass. Though in the few minutes that I stayed, I felt that God sent His message.

The reading was about the sisters Martha and Mary and how Martha complained to Jesus that her sister is not helping her. The priest did a good way of interpreting, only, it took a little too long. There are different ways of serving God, who are we to say which one is the right way. Only God can tell us if we only listen to what He is trying to tell us.

And sometimes, we are too busy spending time with different things that we tend to overlook what is more essential.

It's a difficult task. With all the information and ideas we are exposed to right now, it is hard to find which one weighs more. Listening to our hearts can be tricky as well because our hearts have the tendency to be biased. Thinking about is not the answer as well because our knowledge is limited.

We need God's help to show us what is important, the right way to do things. His message and answers will reach us somehow if we keep our hearts and our minds open.

Limited

I was supposed to meet up with the gays today but I turned down the invitation. Honestly I miss them and I really, really want to see them but Alex's place is so far away I had to say no. I know I promised I am going to make time for my social life but I also had to consider my physical well being. Traveling is exhausting. Apart from that, I would be smoking and drinking too much. Also, I had a few things I need to finish. So I think it is best to hope for the next time.

One of my cousins passed away last night. I just feel really bad because a lot of people left this year. I was about to write my thoughts on death when Cory Monteith died last Sunday but decided against it due to my superstitious nature. But I guess somehow, these things are some realities we hate to see and admit. Everybody dies. That is one fact of life we cannot change. We can avoid it, we can escape it for a while but somewhere down the road we will all face it.

This reminds me of Paulo Coelho's book, "Veronika Decided to Die." I can't remember who said it but it goes something like we can't appreciate life without being aware of death.

I guess this is God's way of showing us that we have a limited time on Earth. we live on borrowed time. We have to make use of this the best way we can. He had given us so many gifts and we must not waste them. We have gifts of family, friends, and some of us even love. We have our health, we have our intelligence, we have our abilities. All of these are here for us to make use of, to create something good, to leave our mark and our legacy.

So we must all strive to be better people, to serve others, to share our love.

So Far...

So far, so good.

My fight against stress, my quest to work harder, and my dreams - they are going as planned and projected. I am still a little stressed out over small things but I also find small reasons to smile.

I was with some of my good friends from high school. We went to offer our condolences to Gladys' family. We relived a lot of funny moments and shared what we have learned in life. I need more of this - time to socialize. I have been locking myself in my little world that I have forgotten how I used to enjoy it outside. In my desire to be a better teacher, I have somehow overlooked the importance of keeping in touch with friends. I mean Jingle and the other teachers are there to cover that aspect but still, it's different when I meet people outside of my usual world. My family is here to support me but there is still a different kind of comfort offered by people I call friends.

I wish I could make time for my friends. Chez suggested that I organize a get together but somehow, some things came and it did not push through again. However, I am still hoping that we could meet just for the sake of meeting like we used to. When we didn't have any reason or occasion other than the mutual need to stay in touch.

Again, they are bugging me to organize another reunion. This time though, I want a small one just for me and some close friends so we can help one another plan a big one which includes others who are not that close to us. I think it would be better than the ones in which the bulk of the responsibility fell on my shoulders. I have other matters to attend to and right now I want to put most of my efforts in doing my job well and being a better person.

Fighting Stress

I just took a stress checklist online and guess what the result is - I am stressed.

I suddenly had this notion that I may be undergoing stress but not really aware of it when I was on my way home. I was irritable at the jeepney, cursing under my breath because of traffic and having the urge to yell at the slow pedestrian ahead of me. I also realized that I have a lot of stressors - my job, financial instability, my lack of lovelife, my body issues. I cannot allow this to happen to me.

From what I read, stress causes a lot of illnesses. It will affect all aspects of my being and even if a lot of people love me, I might tire them out due to my mood swings and behavioral changes. I am slowly feeling the physical manifestations of this condition. I had a really bad headache two weekends ago. And even if I want to sleep badly, my body just won't cooperate. And I am consistently feeling some aching around my shoulder blades. Apart from those, my behavior is not what I really am. I snapped at my nephew last night and this morning to a student (who is actually one of the causes of my stress). I am eating more and smoking more. My thoughts are riddled with fear and useless worrying which are repetitive. I need to learn how to manage this. I am trying my best to pray, talk to friends, write here and create stories just to relieve this. It is just getting more difficult each day.

I actually found a good website that will help me with my problem. There are actually more than one. I can do this. One step a time, with deep breaths, and lots of prayers.

The Root

I'm beginning to get cranky at the kids again.

The culprit - lack of sleep. I am actually feeling sleepy now but I can't retire to bed yet. I still have a few things to do and worrying about them drives me crazy.

It is my fault I know. I am used to having less than six hours of sleep everyday. This is another reason why I am overweight. When I am feeling weak due to lack of rest, I tend to eat a lot. And I mean A LOT.

You see, I am aware of my lack of self discipline when it comes to my body. Ironically, I have a lot of priorities that I cannot even prioritize anymore. I am going back to the root of all my problems - my lack of self discipline. I have gotten my motivation though I figure my dedication is still lacking. I can work at it and do what needs to be done but my energy runs out because one, I am too undisciplined to get enough sleep and two, I am too undisciplined to eat the right kind of foods.

I will definitely fix this. But first off, I need to pray. =)

Gettin' Tired of Preggy Jokes

I feel so bloated.

I told myself I am going on a diet for real. But I came home tonight and my mom cooked Kare-kare and I just couldn't resist! It's been so long since she last cooked it.

I really need to lose weight and I really want to lose weight. Yesterday, my friend and her boyfriend are chatting online when I accidentally passed by behind her. Her boyfriend saw me and he said, "Who passed by? She looks pregnant!" Darn! I am tired of hearing pregnant jokes. And it's exhausting to explain that I am not carrying anything but lipids on my stomach. I find it lame to say that I am four years pregnant because my tummy has been this big (actually had gotten bigger)for four effin' years!

I have to cut down on food and make time for exercise.

This is not good.

How can I find the love of my life? He might think I am already married because I look preggers!

Random Rant

Teaching kids is not an easy job.

Some people look down on us and say, "you're just teaching the basics, where's the challenge in that?"

Well, these people never dealt with kids and never tried what we have been doing for years. I wonder if they could still say that after dealing with a five year old with a really bad tantrum. Our job is not just about letting kids learn letters, shapes, colors, and numbers. It also involves dealing with unpredictable moods, pushy parents, and even nasty co-workers. We may not be solving high profile cases, or dealing with thousands of employees, heck! We don't even make enough money. But we are changing the world with each child we are dealing with.

I don't have to explain the importance of our role in this society. No matter what I say, these people with biases will not change how they view us. All I can do is do my job well and feel happy with the knowledge that my job helps people.

Challenge Accepted!

I feel like I am walking on a tight rope everyday.

With three children with special needs in my class and having no team teacher, I have to be extra careful with my teaching methods and classroom management strategies. It's difficult and there are moments that I resort to cursing under my breath but I am taking this as a challenge and hoping for best results.

I want my students to be competitive readers and good English speakers when this school year is over. I want them to be equipped when they move on to the big world. At the same time, I want to develop a closer relationship with them.

Right now, all I can say is - "Challenge accepted!"

I can do this. With God to guide me and offer me comfort, with friends who could offer help, and with hard work and dedication - I will surely succeed.

My Rain is BACK!

Rain is discharged from the military.

I'm just so happy and excited to see and hear him perform again. I hope he will make a new drama and movie. I also wish he will have fan events all over Asia just like Hyun Bin. This time, I really won't let the chance to see him in person pass me by. He being an entertainer is separate from him being a boyfriend to someone. I have gotten over my ultra huge crush on him. Right now, I am just a fan.

I just admire him so much. He is a talented singer, dancer, and actor plus he is so dedicated and hardworking. He worked his way up and showed everyone that dreams really do come true. Who would've thought that the guy who people refused just because he doesn't have double eyelids would become as big as he is? Most people, when you mention South Korea, would immediately think of Rain. He had become a sort of an icon.

Well, I'm just this happy. Welcome back to Rain! =)

Getting the Hang of It

I am getting the hang of my new routine.

And I am feeling less lazy. I hope it will last for the entire year. I wasn't able to stop myself from giving myself a round of applause when I saw a lot of check marks on my to do list. Having extra money would make me happier though. My funds are almost zero again but hopefully, the next few days will be kinder.

I won't be a hypocrite and say that I don't care if I end up being single for the rest of my life. I am still praying for the one to come and find me. But I just want to enjoy my little daily achievements while looking forward to bigger, brighter life goals. =)

Drowning in Asian Waves

I felt sad when Dramacrazy shut down a few days ago. I found myself listening to one of my all time favorite Korean Dramas theme songs, Secret Garden. I suddenly felt nostalgic of all those times I was so crazy for Kim Joo Won and giggling like a teenage girl at the heart warming scenes between him and Gil Ra im. Hay... The jeje in me is very much alive. I really don't care if my friends think that way. K-Drama, T-Drama, and J- Dramas gave me a different form of entertainment. They brought out the high schooler and the fangirl in me.

I still watch my favorite US series from time to time. It's just a different feeling when I am watching Asian dramas. They give me a peak into a different kind of world and they give me all sorts of feelings like nostalgia, hope, and the desire to fall in love so badly.

Even if all my favorite Asian actors are either married or dating some hot actress, I'm still crazy for them. My all time crushes are Zo Insung and Rain. From time to time I go crazy for Hyun Bin, Gong Yoo, Park Yoochun, Kim So Hyun, Jang Geun-suk, Jun Matsumoto, Jin Akanishi, Shun Oguri, Kazuya Kamenashi, Yu Shirota, Haruma Miura, Yuki Furukawa, Vanness Wu, Joe Cheng, and Jerry Yan. Right now - it's Hyun Bin again because I am listening to Secret Garden's soundtrack.

Oh the craziness! I am totally caught up in Korean, Taiwanese, Japanese waves. I hope that our country will catch up with them soon. We have a lot of great singers. I just hope our producers will be bold enough to create shorter dramas with not so heavy plots.

I know there are other streaming sites. It's just sad to let go of the first. Just like a first love, it's hard to forget.

Busier

My days are busier than ever.

I accepted another tutoring job. I hope I can do it well. I hope I can do all my jobs well. I really hope that my mood and my hormones will work with me and let me be more hardworking and dedicated in doing all the tasks that await me.

I have promised myself a thousand times that I will be more organized and I will give my best in everything I do but I broke them two thousand times more. I really can't predict my moods and my body and sometimes some things happen that are not within my control. I am not hoping for perfection. I am just wishing for organization.

May the Lord help me.

Unlearn

As a person gets older, there are many things that one should learn and as may things that one should unlearn.

One of the things that I want to unlearn right now is the belief that happiness always comes with a price. That after moments of bliss, moments of sadness will follow. It cuts off the joy in the blessings I receive. I can't fully savor my happiness due to the fear of the pain that might come after.

I should learn how to see it the other way around.

I should believe that experiencing pain now means great joy after. And when I experience that happiness, I should be thankful and be even happier that those moments are over. This way, I could fully experience joy.

After all, nobody knows what the future brings but the Almighty.

Why should I dread something that might not even come? Why don't I just be proud that I got over something that came and went?

I can't find appropriate words to explain the difference.

The point is - I want to enjoy my blessings fully and stop depriving myself of that joy just because of worries which may or may not occur.

God is showering me with blessings everyday. It would be ungrateful not to be happy about them just because of useless worrying.

Hoping Once Again

I woke up real late on this Sunday. I haven't been to church in a while. I want to attend mass, it's a responsibility that I have been neglecting for a while now. Praying at night and dropping by every morning just isn't enough I know. I know God understands but it doesn't make my guilt any lesser.

So anyway, since I am slowly learning to be better. If I could attend church regularly, it would be easier. I want to be a better person. I really want to be.

My mood is so far, good right now. I am actually excited to go to school tomorrow even if I am having a difficult time managing my class this year. They're much younger, much more playful and moody but easier to please. Even if my ears hurt from their shrieks and laughter, I love the sound of their giggling when I tell some lame jokes or make funny faces. Even if it frustrates me that they can't easily learn the concepts I am teaching, it gives me some sense of pride when they finally do.

I like my class right now. There are more girls and I really miss the younger group. I hope I can be a better teacher this year.

Typhoons and Worries

It's storming once again.

I haven't slept yet. I can't. Surviving two devastating floods made me fear mother nature when she's having a tantrum. The wind is howling outside and the rain has been pouring. I can only pray that this will pass soon and I can enjoy my good night's sleep once more.

I don't want to live this way.

I live in a country visited by not less than fifteen typhoons yearly. I cannot stay up all night every time there is one. We really have to find a flood free (and thief free) area of our own.

The good thing is, I was able to finish some paper work and even prepared advanced ones. As they say, worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but accomplishes nothing. I have found a solution to avoid unnecessary worrying - focus on work and even if I do not totally get rid of my worries, at least I had been productive and achieved something.

Hopefully, the storm will move out of the country in a few hours. I just pray that it will not leave major damages and people will be safe.

Stop

My financial woes are still not over. ugh!

My neurons are about to dry up because I can't come up with more ways just to earn more. I am currently under pressure because of our monthly bills and now, I want that own home so bad I want to scream. Renting is alright, but it's much more comfortable to live in a place we can call our own. I can't just sit around and wait for a rich guy to sweep me off my feet. Heck! I am not that pretty to attract rich guys who can buy all beauty queens in this planet.

I am getting older and I am losing hope. Sometimes I just couldn't care less if I will ever make my dreams come true because I am so preoccupied by the present that I cannot afford to look into the future anymore. My day to day worries are sucking all the energy and optimism I have in me. Even daydreaming cannot make me smile anymore.

I don't want to live a life without a goal. I refuse to accept that my only purpose in existing is to live this kind of life. I once dreamed of greatness but my reality gave me a huge punch in the gut and showed me that I cannot go to that place. I had been born into a poor, unconventional family with ordinary looks, mediocre intelligence, and ordinary character. I am not as special as I wanted to believe. I have to accept that greatness is just not for me.

I don't want to deceive myself anymore. I don't want to believe those rags to riches stories anymore.

It's time to stop.

Musings 1

It's a few days before the next pay day. The days that I hate the most because the budget is slowly disappearing and all you can do is cross your fingers that there will be no emergency expenses until payday comes.

This is how it is for folks like me who live from paycheck to paycheck. I don't want to live like this anymore so I am squeezing my neurons out for ideas as to how I will earn more and live more comfortably. Unlike other people, I don't have rich parents. So whatever I am spending, I worked for it. That's why I am waging war against my sloth. If I earn just enough even if I am lazy, how much more can I earn if I work hard right?

Now, I will stop complaining. I will make do of what I have now and try my best not to be in this situation next time.

Mutterings 2

My patience is being tested.

It's not as long as I want it to be and I am struggling to keep my calm. Positive thinking is not helping me now. Prayer is my only source of strength. No matter how bad I want things to work out, no matter how much I try to have the right attitude - circumstances that are out of my control are happening and are giving me a hard time. I am not using them as an excuse. It seems as if, the universe is telling me that success is not as easy as I am thinking it is. All I am holding on to at this moment is the hope that when I get through this, my achievements will be much sweeter because I know that I gave it my all. I hope that my goal will be worth all the frustration, hopelessness, helplessness, impatience, and struggle that I am going through right now.

This must be how JK Rowling felt when things seemed bleak for Harry Potter. This must be how The Beatles felt when they were rejected by recording companies. This must be how Steve Jobs felt after being fired from his own company.

A lot of successful people failed before they reached the top. They knew how's it like to be at the bottom and they were smart enough not to back to that place again. Those failures were like their training ground which made them smarter and more determined.

I have reached the bottom some years back, I am not very far from my dream of success. I cannot let go of what I had started. I have the skills, all I need now is hard work and confidence. This is the way to go.

Mutterings 1 6/18/2013

It's raining everyday for the past three days now. My internet connection is acting up, travelling is inconvenient, and we are always on the lookout for flash floods. I love the rain and the coolness it gives but I hope it won't rain as badly as it did last year when we were forced to evacuate from our place due to the flood.

The second week of the school year is about to wrap up but it's not going as planned. The kids are much younger and I am having a little trouble adjusting to their moods and behavior. However, this is just the beginning. This only means that I have to work harder if I want things to get better.

Grateful for Dad

It's Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to my Dad in heaven and to all the fathers in the world.

I have written about how I miss my Dad everyday, how he taught us a lot of things and how he influenced us in a lot of ways. I guess, after so many years, you will just realize that words are not enough to describe how we love him.

For the twenty years of my life that I spent with him, I am thankful. And even if we have been raised in an unconventional family, I am still thankful. His shortcomings that made us strong, I am very thankful. To all the life lessons he left, I am truly thankful.

To sum it up, I am grateful.

If I Can't

The first week of the school year is over. Nothing changed much. I am still doing what I usually do. What in the world is wrong with me?

I really want to get out of my comfort zone and try being hardworking for a change. But I always let laziness and procrastination win. I do sleep earlier and wake up earlier than usual. I even leave the house earlier but I am still late for work. And after class, I want to finish all my paper work but I always end up candy crushing or watching some doramas and K-dramas. It really has to stop!

I am almost in my mid-thirties. I have to do something in my life and make it better than it is now. I have to go on with my plans.

Whew! That was one panic attack.

It's just sometimes I feel time is so fast I can't catch up to it. A lot of things happened, the world is continually changing. I heard from somewhere that organisms survive because they change. If I want to survive, I have to change as well. I used to be one of the best, but now, I don't have that confidence anymore.

If I can't be the best, I can at least make the best of what I am and where I am today.

Wishing for a Good Start

It is the big day tomorrow. The school year will officially open and I don't think I am prepared. There's no backing out now.I chose this path and I might as well give it my all.

I am actually dreading that I would fall back to the old routine. I hate the feeling of being tired but not feeling any accomplishment at all. I want to start my days hopeful and end them by being thankful or vice versa. I just don't want to waste time. And tomorrow, I want to try new things and explore different possibilities. I want to be a better teacher, a better leader. If I could start out right, the flow would be smoother and the end will be fabulous.

I am really wishing for a good start. Fighting!

Retaliation

I was lurking around Twitter when this twitter war between Mo Twister and Rico Robles broke out. My heart is with Rico since I have been listening to his show for quite some time but I know the fact that wit wise, Mo is at an advantage. To cheer for my bet, I just said, "suntukan na lang!"

Which brings me to another realization. When faced with an opponent, use your strength to attack your enemy's weakness.

I don't have a lot of enemies (and I am thanking God for that). There are some people who seem to be asking for it. Whether conscious or not, their stupid statements and boastfulness are provoking me. My patience is running out but I know that I would only make them laugh if I snap. So I am keeping quiet and occasionally feeding their conceit - my way of avoiding an all out war. But the next time they provoke me, I know how to deal with them. My strength lies inside my skull, theirs are in their mouths. I could win if I shut their trap by hitting on a sensitive nerve. Both are suffering from an inflated intellectual pride. I would not say anything, I will just give them an excellent piece of work which could gag them for life.

Money and it's importance

The school year is about to begin. I am neither excited nor scared. Just...normal.

My boss pointed out my lates this morning. I cannot react violently because it was stated properly and it really is my fault. I don't even want to defend myself or reason out because what I will say will be rude. I am always late because I don't feel like working. I have to force myself to go because I am so bored with my job which pays so little! The fulfillment of working with kids and teaching in general cannot even suffice because my compensation is not enough.

No matter how I try to think about it, even if I work my ass off, I cannot afford to buy the things that my family needs to live comfortably. It's not even enough for my own needs. My over functioning brain conked out when I try to compute. One of the things that I want is to live independently. Even if I get married, I do not want to depend too much on my husband to be. And if I want kids of my own, I want to be able to support them with my own earnings. With my present financial situation, thinking about the future is frustrating.

They say money cannot buy happiness. But at this moment, I need money to be happy.

Just Another Self Talk

I was bitten by a nostalgic bug yesterday so I watched a few episodes of "Meteor Garden." I followed Van Ness Wu a few days ago on twitter and Facebook and started wondering where the rest of the cast are.

They are all living happy and successful lives according to the internet. Van Ness is the same age as I am while Barbie is two years older and Jerry is a year older. Ken and Vic are a year and two years younger respectively. I don't know if it's a trend but I noticed that a lot of guys and girls in my generation marry a little later than others. Barbie married when she was 33. Van Ness is engaged. The others, I have no idea.

I had a dream yesterday. I was going to be married to a stranger. I searched the net for any psychological interpretation but they don't sound right. I guess it's just obvious that deep inside, I am longing to get married.

My fear of growing old alone is not the only reason. I want to feel how's it like to share my life with someone other than my biological family. I want to be a mother as well and share the joys and tears of parenthood with my husband. I want to discover that world that some of my friends enjoyed and are enjoying.

But then again, I believe I have to establish myself first. I will focus on my present goals and work hard. I was watching Raymund Marasigan of Sandwich in Bandila earlier and he affirmed what I realized not too long ago, there are many talented people but the hardworking ones are the ones who succeed.

I have mediocre talent, intelligence and skill. But I can rise above the rest by working hard.

We Need Change

Inhale...exhale...

I've been trying to condition my mind and my body for the weeks to come. It is so hard to fight the temptation of going lax on my job again. But I will not stop trying. I am backsliding on my diet and beautification plans. I have to constantly remind myself that if I want my dreams to come through, I have to push through with my plans. I have to fight back reality's biting, slapping, and kicking with a shove, a punch, and some high powered kamehame wave.

I want to survive, therefore, I have to change. Even in natural selection, the organisms that survived are the ones that made the necessary adaptations. It is scary but if I allow my fear to take over, I wouldn't evolve.

Holding on to the Feeling

The summer season is about to end.The temperature is more bearable now. Sleeping is such a pleasure. Laziness is a big temptation.

Okay so I promised to fight it with all my might. I am really trying but as cliche as it may sound, I am only human. The bed is so cozy and the feel of the air from the electric fan is like a lullaby. I overslept and for a week now, I am late for work. I will change my habits, that's for sure. I just indulged before I finally say goodbye.

Things will be in their right places soon. I am both excited and nervous. I want to keep feeling this way because the boredom that I suffered from the past few years is something that I don't want to feel again. I want to constantly feel that I am heading for something. I hate the feeling of uselessness and stupidity.

The future will be good. Yes it will be.

The Sway

I am swaying again.

After all those "fighting" attitude, my lazy hormones are kicking in once again and I am not sure how long I can hold on. but I will fight it. If I had to, I would do cartwheels and vertical flips just to keep my blood flowing and stamp the word DETERMINATION in my heart. I have done about a quarter of the things that I need to do. There's still a lot that needs to be done. Hopefully, I would have established my routing before the 17th and I wouldn't have to cram and feel that I have not been accomplishing anything. I really hope that I can make this year my best. I hope I can accomplish all my goals and reach all my targets.

If I am being swayed without wind blowing, how else can I remain standing when it finally blows?

I need a firmer foundation. I need guidance from above. =) I also need to surround myself with productive people. I need to hold on to something as solid as my family. This is the battle plan.

BANZAI!!!

Moving and Changing

I was arranging the old cards earlier when I realized how long I have been with our school. The familiar names of the kids and the funny memories with each batch made me smile while as I finish my task. The name of the teachers made me sigh though. Some of them I still have contact with, others just got lost along the way.

I was reading the early morning tweets when I saw that Francesca of RX is leaving. Another radio legend is leaving. I just hope Chico and Del would stay longer. If they too leave, radio would come to an end (at least for me).

Francesca and those teachers from the past are all moving on.

I am still in the same place. I've been here since September 2005. I have learned a lot, I changed a lot, I improved a lot in terms of teaching. But in terms of character,uhm, a little I guess.

I don't want to make another declaration.But I do hope that I can gather enough courage to move on. Right now my focus is on equipping myself with necessary skills and improving my talents. Only when I am sure that I am ready for battle will I leave my sanctuary and face the much bigger world.

Hoping to Hold on to Hope

I don't know why I suddenly thought of an old fling. The last time I saw him was almost 12 years ago. The last time I thought about him was when FB was just beginning. I saw his profile, learned that he's already married and has a daughter. I visited his profile again and checked out his friends. Funny but I realized how small our world is when I saw that I have common friends with several of his friends.

Anyway, I don't feel anything about him anymore. It's just feels good to look back and see that one can still live after going through one sided love.

You see it's the kind of love that is much harder to get over with since you are already used to loving that person and bearing the pain of him not loving you back. Even if that person falls in love with someone else, it will be easy for you to take the pain because, well, you're used to it. It's the kind of love that never thinks of oneself which makes it dangerous if allowed to last for very long.

I have loved this way countless times before but I am not an expert on it yet (but I have no intention of being one). I would love to fall for somebody who would love me first because I am not a very confident person. I want a person who can make me feel secure and assure me that I will be his only one.

When will the ONE for me come? When will he find me? The wait is getting lonelier each day.

I hope I can still hold on to this hope I am feeling.

Resolved!

I saw an old colleague of mine in FB and added her. Though she is one of those people who remind me of something awful in the past, I added her for the sake of friendship and moving on. It turned out to be a good decision because I learned that the scandal that I was involved in about eight years ago was resolved. MY NAME WAS CLEARED! Woohoo!!!

God makes ways when truth is on your side. I was put in a very bad place and accused of something that I did not do. I am very grateful that the truth came out even if I was not there to personally hear it. I was given justice.

But I just hope that the real culprit learned her lesson. I wish that she is living well and have contemplated on the consequences of her actions. I hope that she had moved on. I have forgiven her even before I knew who she was in the first place.

I must continue with my journey as well. I have looked back and reconciled with my past. It is time to get to know my future.

Whatever it is

I'm currently in a very optimistic mood.

I hope I can hold on to this for the rest of my life. I just feel like good things are coming and better stuff are to be expected. I am full of plans, full of dreams. I seem to have forgotten the boredom I felt the past few weeks. I am actually looking forward to the days to come.

Is it the sausages I just ate? Or the iced tea I just drank?

Whatever it is, I am glad that I am like this now.

Vacation time is almost over. Work is now calling me and now I am asking for determination and motivation to do what I have long wanted to do.

I want to work hard and not be satisfied by mediocre outcomes. I want to overcome my laziness and be more creative. I want to be more of an extrovert and learn how to deal with different kinds of people. I want to overcome my insecurities while at the same time keeping both feet on the ground.

I have long been aware of the things I need to do to reach my dreams. But my lack of courage, over realism, and laziness have prevented me from going far. I take small, easy steps but once trial comes my way, I easily give up. When temptation comes, I easily get swayed. When laziness comes, I easily give in.

How long have I kept this blog? My personal battle has been longer.

I am tired of whining about it, I try to just forget about it, but I really have to do it.

The Kiss that set it Off

I just love the story of Itazura na Kiss!

I have watched the Taiwanese, Korean, and now the new Japanese version. The characters are very endearing. Though the lead girl is annoying and stupidly cute - i just love her. I love it when she works hard and how she focuses on what she really wants.Though I hate it when she is only fixated on her love when there are other aspects of her life that she needs to give attention to.

Anyway, at some point in my life I was like that as well.When you're in love,you tend to lose yourself in the process. The good thing with her is that her efforts paid off and the love of her life loved her back. And if the guy did not love her back, she could proudly say that she did everything she could.

I really miss falling in love.

Well, good thing these dramas are here to remind me.=)

Rolling Stone

Precious free time.

I am going to enjoy another week of it because starting next month it's going to be work, work, and work again. Not that I am complaining, really. The past few days I have been thinking really hard and now I could say that I know the value of my work, not only personally but it's social relevance as well. I know that in the next few days I would be complaining again but it won't be the same. Those complaints will come to pass because I am more aware of my reality now.

I think too much, I over analyze situations, I can't let go of my ideals but I am very much aware of what happens in reality. I am so full of contradictions and the chaos of my mind is making my life's journey very shaky.

At this moment, I am confused.

Just like before when I was much younger, I wanted to accomplish so many things but I lack the discipline and the motivation to do them. My father had always told me that "rolling stones gather no moss." I understood what it meant but I can only feel it in my reality now.

I hope I can stop rolling for now and gather enough moss before I start rolling in another direction again.

Summer classes are about to end! Yahoo!!!

I can watch all the Korean and Japanese dramas I like. I can write nonsense things. I can start a new cooking and/or crochet project as well. I can clear my mind until I need to start thinking of the next school year and my rants about my life and how it is not going anywhere.

What do I really want anyway? Why am I so desperate for wealth and fame? Is this the right attitude? Is this the way to motivate myself?

I was taking a Facebook quiz two days ago and I laughed so hard at the result. It said that I am talented but unmotivated. How true is that? 101%!

What is the cure for laziness?

Haist!

Pressure...

Again. I am putting myself under pressure.

I have been too relaxed, too lazy and now time is running out again. The buzzer beater in me is fueled. The summer is almost over and I haven't been to the beach!

This will be my first year of a beachless summer. Last year, the teachers and I went to Subic at least. There was no beach party for my gay friends. This year, they will go to the beautiful Calaguas island but the time is in conflict with my work schedule and my budget is almost out.

But perhaps, the reason for this is because I was not able to prepare for it. I did not stick to my diet and I did not start my exercise regimen. Perhaps if I can lose weight, I might be able to go to Boracay on sembreak even if it is freezing cold and the party peeps are not there. As long as I can see sand and waves, I will be very thankful!

So I am putting myself under pressure to lose these bulges around my waistline and aim for a bikini perfect body before this year ends.

I can do this! Fighting!!!

Thoughts

April ended a few minutes ago.

Still... I don't feel any change coming.

I guess, the changes are too gradual to be felt. I've met up with some friends, made plans of going out. I sleep earlier than usual but eat more. I still don't exercise and my chin is beginning to double. I'd stop making declarations and promising because no matter what I say, I can't seem to find the will, the energy, and the motivation to lose weight. The more I obsess about it, the more I can't do it. But I really want to - I desperately want to.

I'm just really the type to go with the flow. I was born to be a follower, a supporter, an observer. I just happen to have the height and the personality that always make people choose me as their leader. But I am not cut out to be one. I know I am good, I am creative, I am smart - but only to a certain extent. I am meant to do big things, but not great things.

I can always think positively.

But there are realities that I have to accept.

In Memory Of

Joan has passed on. The very next day, after she fell into a coma.

We are not that close but we have shared a lot of memories together. I was so sad, I still am. She's still young and with her personality, she could have touched more lives. But I guess, her journey ends here. Though it hurts to let her go, we must. As cliche as it may sound, she is in a much better place now.

She was my total opposite. She's very friendly and sociable. She never runs out of things to do with different friends. Her love life is colorful. She kept a lot of secrets. She was strong-willed and had a lot of courage.

Even so, never once did she make me feel less of myself. She respected my weird habits and though she made fun of me from time to time, I never took any of her jokes personally.

I am embarrassed to shed tears because as I said, we are not what you can call "close." But the past few days that I have spent during her wake, seeing old friends and acquaintances made me realize that we may not have the kind of relationship which permits us to tell each other's deep dark secrets, we had managed to form a bond. Those memories of drinking together and doing stupid things together (even if I am just an observer) will always connect her to me. She may not have been aware, but she had touched my life in a way or two.

Looking at all those people who visited to see her for the last time, she had shown me the importance of gathering friends and interacting with people. Joan's ray of sunshine had somewhat touched all those who, like myself, have been trying their best to hold back their tears. Because no matter how long or short the time spent together, no matter how close or far apart people are to her - all of us have at least one good memory of her.

Rest in Peace Joan Baccay. You will be missed.

I would like to believe that the next steps I will take would mean the end of my semi-hermitic existence. It has been more than three years. Day by day, I am fighting the urge to wear a cassock and shave off my head. I have turned into a monk when I'd rather be a monkey.

I know that life is short and anything can happen at anytime. One of my good friends is in really bad shape, from what I heard she's brain dead already. She is just a year younger than I am. She isn't even married yet and she hasn't even found the one yet.

I guess when things like this happen, you become more aware.

I shouldn't waste my time and my life on laziness and useless dreams.

I hope that the courage that I have long been praying for will come and motivate me to take the steps in achieving my goals.

Days are still boring lately so I have been watching my beloved Asian dramas again. I came across this Shun Oguri drama, "Rich Man,Poor Woman." It's just so cute and heartwarming that I had to watch some episodes a few times more.I hope they would come up with a second season. The onscreen couple are just bursting with chemistry that you would end up screaming in delight and smiling widely at each heartwarming scene.

Anyway, work will start soon and I would be busy again. I guess the few weeks off had worked on me and I am actually looking forward to getting out of the house and making myself useful. Meeting new people is hard and quite impossible nowadays. I'll just stay where I am and make plans. Stagnation had me incapacitated, I am taking it slow and rehabilitating myself would take some time but eventually, I will have a better and exciting life once I make that first step.

I am not losing hope. Tiya Pusit, now 64 has a 27 year old boyfriend. I'm only 34 and I still have a lot of time to fall and find that one great love.

Right now, I should just focus on setting goals and motivating myself again. Laziness is always putting me down and I always have to fight it!

All About Surprises

It's funny how unexpected things make us happy.

Finding forgotten bills inserted between book pages, winning a prize in a raffle, suddenly seeing your crush in a place you pass my everyday - even small things like these can bring a huge smile in our faces. How much bigger would our grins be if we receive huge surprises such as discovering that we are heirs to Carlos Slim's fortune? Or coming across the mythical Yamashita treasure by accident? Or having the biggest love of our lives, who never once looked our way, reciprocate our feelings?

However, there are times, that these unexpected things bring us trouble.

Like passing by an unexpected sale when it's not payday yet, the numbers that you have religiously bet in the lottery were suddenly drawn on the day that you forgot to place your bet, or seeing your crush on the day that you forgot to look at yourself in the mirror. These are instances when we say that we hate surprises.

The thing is, life's unforeseen circumstances, like birthday and Christmas gifts, can either be good or bad depending on how we choose to see it. More often than not, we receive good gifts from people who love us and know our true selves. Maybe because they know what will make us smile and what will irritate us.

Right now, I wish to receive a good surprise.

If I love and get to know more people, the chances of getting a good one will be high, right? I want to open my heart to people now. And I hope my smile would be as big as Jupiter when I receive all the good surprises.=)

It's my last free weekend because we are required to report to school on Monday at exactly 7:30 in the morning. So what's my plan?

Nothing yet. But I will make one.

I vow to give my all this summer and in the coming school year because I really want to RESIGN!

I have been contemplating this for so long. I made a lot of excuses but the underlying reason is something that I can't say out loud. Now, I am admitting it. I am scared.

I am scared that no school will hire me because of my age. I am scared of starting over. I am scared of meeting new people and adjusting. I am scared because I might not be good enough.

Change is scary. But it's something we all have to go through.

So day by day I will save up my courage. I will save up until I accumulated more than enough to make me move on with my head held high.

I am into Japanese dramas lately.It's not that I don't like K-dramas anymore, they're just much shorter and those Japanese actors are like, well, uhmm...hot.

I am currently watching "Nobuta wo Produce." I am only in the second episode but I have already learned quite a few things. It's not preachy type,the lessons just come lightly. Like, wear the clothes you like while you are still young because a time will come when you have to dress up to please other people and being able to smile no matter what clothes you wear. The drama is a good one, no wonder the reviews are good.

Thank God I can only think of good memories in high school. I was not bullied or anything and I kinda feel sorry if I made anyone feel less of themselves because of my immaturity. I was not mean but I was not nice either. Being an adolescent I was way too full of myself. All I cared about back then was getting high grades and being noticed by my crush. I was not even pretty, I rarely comb my hair and I wear any clothes available in the closet. Though I tried to keep up with the latest trends but fashion was really not my thing.

Right now as an adult, all I care about is earning enough money to survive everyday. I don't have future plans, I have a few dreams but I don't have concrete steps in pursuing them. Often, I believe that I have wasted my youth on pursuing senseless goals. I am almost in the middle of my life but pathetically, I haven't changed my ways.

I always say that I want to be a better person. But by what standard? I still cannot find that one thing I am passionate about. I don't get enough drive and motivation. Bad things just discourage me, failure makes me stop. I am not like other people who gets more determined when the going gets tough.

I guess I just have to motivate myself. It;'s the second quarter of 2013 and I will be turning 35 soon. I have to get somewhere at least. I need to focus on one goal instead of pursuing many things all at once.

Finally started working again.

Unfortunately,I still don't feel like handling another class and falling back into my old routine. I actually want to change a few things this coming school year. One of them is my schedule. I have mentioned it a couple of times. I hate going home at 9 p.m. Dead tired and wanting nothing else but to sleep. I want to go out, meet people, and live like a normal person.

I feel like I am the most boring person in the whole world right now. I am not good at my job,I stay indoors for days, I don't get to meet my friends often. How do I find my most desired love life if I am like this?

So what do I do?

Frankly, I do know that I have to put some effort. The thing is, I cannot get rid of my laziness and unnecessary fear. I guess I'll just leave everything to fate and let events unfold themselves naturally.

Right now, I'll go back into escaping in my alternate universe where I can find Jin Akanishi and the rest of my crushes drinking in a bar next to me and my imaginary friends. Until I find a realistic solution to my real problems, I will enjoy my made-up Tequila Sunrise.

April Fool's Day

This should have been the first day of my tutorials but luckily, Rich did not show up. Well, I still have a few days off. But tomorrow, I will definitely start tutoring again and maybe I would get my mojo back.

So anyway, I have a new crush! A Japanese guy named Jin Akanishi. Unfortunately, he's married but it's just a crush and as if I would meet him in person anyway. I watched him before in Gokusen but I liked Kazuya Kamenashi more and of course Jun Matsumoto. But he was outstanding in Anego. I suddenly wished someone that young and gorgeous would like me in real life.

Speaking of Anego, I watched it because I could actually relate to the lead character. A thirty-something female in search of love. Very much like me eh? hahaha But unlike her, I am not the type to carry everyone else's problems on my shoulders. I'm the hands off type. But I work hard as well and try to help in any way I can. And I am always called "Ate" by everyone.

I really should start conditioning myself. Summer classes will start in two weeks and for the first time in years, I am feeling lost. I do not know how and when to start. I kinda don't feel like working. I just want to lie around all day with my Asian series and movies and eat until I turn into a hippo. I really have to set my brain into work mode again!

And with that, I will begin making write-ups for the yearbook. Tata!

I miss the "Gokusen" series.

It is a Japanese series that features the life of an idealistic high school teacher who has a Yakuza family background. Every series features the daily struggles of a teacher and problems faced by students. The episodes are actually repetitive and the problems of the kids are similar to one another. Even the flow of the story is predictable. A student gets beaten up, threatened to be expelled, and Yankumi comes to the rescue. But I don't get tired of it.

There were three seasons and one movie. I heard that there would be no possibility of a fourth one because the comic book ended already. Too bad because the fans are willing to support the new one if there would be one.

I am a teacher too maybe that's why I like it. But I gotta admit I am not that crazy for my students as she is. And of course, I cannot fight like that though I wish I could. I wish I have watched this when I taught high school a few years back. I might have learned a thing or two from her. I was given an advisory class of not so bright kids and borderline delinquents. I tried to be a good one but my patience is not as long when dealing with adolescents.

Anyway, I think I'll just replay the old ones. Ciao for now.

Things are... boring as usual.

When I am bored like this, I tend to escape into one of my alternate universes. This time, it's a cafe in Japan with some friends. Just goofing around and having fun then we'll go around and play under cherry blossom trees. We'll spot Jun Matsumoto and Kazuya Kamenashi. After that we'll go singing at some karaoke bar and drop dead drunk. We'll hook up with some really handsome and young Japanese guys and run around the city like crazy little kids.

Haaayyyy!!!

I really need to get out of the house.

We'll be going to Tagaytay tomorrow and I hope I could enjoy it.

"Boys Over Flowers" has a special place in my heart. I first watched the Taiwanese version "Meteor Garden" and the Korean version next. Now I am watching the Japanese version. I am looking forward to reading the original manga.

I like the lead girl - San Cai, Geum Jandi, Makino Tsukushi. I like it that she's a commoner who has a strong personality. She is not a knockout beauty, nor very smart. She is just like any other girl. I know a few ladies who are just like her. No wonder that this series is a big hit. Almost every other girl can relate to the lead character's role.

If the girl is very normal, the lead guys can only exist in your imagination. Well, I don't know really if anyone is that ridiculously rich. Dao Ming Xi, Go Junpyo, or Domyouji Tsukasa is a typical bad boy who needs someone to tame him and many girls just love that. Come on! Who wouldn't want a handsome, rich kid who would do anything to protect you? He's not very bright but he loves so passionately and above all, he can only have eyes for one person and that is you and you alone.

Among the three girls I think Mao Inoue is the best one to portray the lead. Kim Hye Sun is just too dramatic while Barbie Hsu is way too spunky. Among the three guys, I cannot really choose. Lee Min Ho is definitely the most handsome, Jerry Yan fits the personality well (very masculine), while Matsumoto Jun projects that air of mystery and his eyes just penetrates you.

So which adaptation is the best for me? I'd say it's the Japanese. The Korean version is just too dramatic for me while the Taiwanese is way too goofy.

But of course I have to read the manga first.

I hope they'll make a Hollywood version with fresh new faces. If they make a Filipino version, I'd go for Kathryn Bernardo and Daniel Padilla. bwahahahahaha or maybe Sharlene San Pedro and Nash Aguas will do too. hehehe

The Story I Wished Was Mine

Blame it all on those series, films and novels but I am finding myself getting more and more attracted to younger guys these days. It seems that they love more passionately and more truly than guys who were hardened by time.

Well, actually, I have no real basis for it.

To be brutally honest, I am attracted to younger guys simply because most of them are good looking. =)

So anyway, I want to tell a story of a girl who is around my age and have given up hope of ever finding that one great love. She lives a normal, ordinary, boring life. She had a big crush on a celebrity who happen to live near her place. As in all those romantic movies, their paths crossed one day and she found herself more in love with him. However, due to age, status, and even physical differences - she never believed that the day will ever come that he will reciprocate her feelings. The unbelievable happened when he got to know her better. Things are not easy though. Stupid things happen along the way. But they were able to overcome them and they ended together after all.

I want this to be my story to tell.

I want to believe that the works of my imagination will have a chance to come true.

I want to hold on to my belief that inspite of conflicts, love is a fairly easy thing.

That as long as you love someone truly and deeply, the whole universe will work together to make your dreams come true.

This I sincerely believe.

Another vacation is starting for me. I'll have a week at most because summer tutorials and classes will start soon too. I have nothing special planned. I'm not even excited. There's no prospect of meeting my destined man and I am just not in the mood to have fun!

My body's not bikini ready yet. My money's not enough as well. I guess I'll just spend the rest of my summer doing what I am always doing - watching Asian dramas and movies and daydreaming about finding that soul mate.

Pathetic? Yeah right! I don't really care.

I live in the world of rainbows and butterflies and princes and princesses. When I interact with other humans, I appear to be normal. That's what matters anyway. My fantasies do not ruin my existence, they make it bearable. This boring life I have to endure is just a phase. Better things are coming and are already happening in my alternate universe. I can survive like this, I'm just wondering for how long.

It gets lonely and pathetic at times. I want to stop really but reality is just so boring. Hay! I hope I'd really fall in love again.

Moving up Day is over!

It's been one heck of a busy week. I looked at my kids and I just want to cry. It has not been an easy year for all of us. But last Tuesday as they were singing their graduation song, all I can remember are the happy moments with them. The crazy games, the funny jokes, the hugs and the smiles. Graduation goggles worked once again. Though this happens to me every year, I am still not used to it.

I watched "Gokusen" and I remember Yankumi saying that graduation is both a happy and sad occasion. Happy because finally the students have finished their education but sad because it is time to say goodbye. However, as cliche as it seems, graduation is just the beginning. It marks the beginning of a new stage in one's life. I graduated thrice, four times if we will include my preschool graduation. It is indeed happy and sad each time.

Next year, I would have to deal with a new set of students. I cannot promise to make better memories with them but I will try my best. I have a very important role as a teacher to these young minds at the most crucial stage of their lives. I have to give my all each and every time I begin each new school year and enter that classroom.

Teachers have been romanticized in the media. To be fair, those movies and TV shows showed both the good times and the dilemmas of this profession. But what they fail to show is the everyday routine that makes it boring. Students are not always interesting and colorful. They can be a bore too. However, no matter how ordinary a student is, it is the duty of a teacher to make them stand out.

It's a very difficult job. And honestly, I cannot fully say that I love it. Maybe like those protagonists in the dramas I watched, I haven't realized it yet. I like my job sometimes but sometimes hate it as well. I hope soon, I can announce my love for teaching to the world and be like those famous teachers who changed the world.

It's the moving up day tomorrow and I will be hosting and yet here I am still online. My eyes are drooping. I know I need to sleep. But I still can't. My arnis stick is not here and I don't feel so secure without it. I guess I'll just sleep with a knife under my pillow.

Damn burglars! How can I ever think of sleeping if every time I try to close my eyes, the memory of that open door and my missing laptop and cellphone is in my head. We have reported it to the police, we can even go to some faith healer to find the culprit. But it doesn't seem to appease my mind. I don't want to move out and I really want to get a piece of them. I guess right now, prayer is my only weapon. God will give me the justice I need.

And God will watch over this house as we sleep. There must be a reason why things happened the way they did. God will reveal that reason I know. In His time.

Lovin' That Lovin' Feelin'

Each and every drama I watch holds a new promise for me. But nothing beats the feeling of being in love after one good drama.

I tried watching a Japanese drama for a change. I watched "Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge." The plot is actually recurring, the girl and the guy were bound by a contract, a deal of some sort. Actually, the guy was asked to turn the girl into a lady in exchange for free rent and food. Then they get to know each other better and fall for each other. It's not what I call refreshing but it has a good aftertaste. I am actually smiling at the final kiss scene.

I am really hopeless eh?

I am so in love with the idea of love. But let us be honest here, being in love is truly wonderful. Even if you get hurt or experience much pain because of it, you still want to do it over and over again. Take it from a person who has been in and out of love, one who's heart has been broken to pieces a couple of times, a woman who promised never to love again but always breaks that promise.

So even if it's just being in love vicariously - I would embrace it. As long as people are in love with love, romantic comedies and dramas will be here. And as long as I watch them, I will continue to be in love.

What the Burglar Took

A burglar came into the house last night. He took away my laptop and my cellphone and even the broadband stick. I was shaken and confused the whole day. What I can't accept was, he was able to open our front door.

Home is a place where a person is supposed to feel safe. The biggest thing that that burglar took was not my laptop but my sense of security. I am not sure if I can still sleep soundly.

I am still thankful that none of us here got hurt. I am still thankful to discover that we have neighbors we could count on. I am still thankful to learn lessons from this.

Vigilance is something that we shouldn't forget. In today's world where evil lurks and breeds, we must always possess it.

Faith is also something that we should hold on to. God shows us and let's us experience things to teach us a lesson but he never completely forsakes us.

I am only human and I am still shaken but soon enough, I know, things will go back to the way they used to be but because of this, I will always be alert and my faith will be stronger.