Hoping Once Again

I woke up real late on this Sunday. I haven't been to church in a while. I want to attend mass, it's a responsibility that I have been neglecting for a while now. Praying at night and dropping by every morning just isn't enough I know. I know God understands but it doesn't make my guilt any lesser.

So anyway, since I am slowly learning to be better. If I could attend church regularly, it would be easier. I want to be a better person. I really want to be.

My mood is so far, good right now. I am actually excited to go to school tomorrow even if I am having a difficult time managing my class this year. They're much younger, much more playful and moody but easier to please. Even if my ears hurt from their shrieks and laughter, I love the sound of their giggling when I tell some lame jokes or make funny faces. Even if it frustrates me that they can't easily learn the concepts I am teaching, it gives me some sense of pride when they finally do.

I like my class right now. There are more girls and I really miss the younger group. I hope I can be a better teacher this year.

Typhoons and Worries

It's storming once again.

I haven't slept yet. I can't. Surviving two devastating floods made me fear mother nature when she's having a tantrum. The wind is howling outside and the rain has been pouring. I can only pray that this will pass soon and I can enjoy my good night's sleep once more.

I don't want to live this way.

I live in a country visited by not less than fifteen typhoons yearly. I cannot stay up all night every time there is one. We really have to find a flood free (and thief free) area of our own.

The good thing is, I was able to finish some paper work and even prepared advanced ones. As they say, worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but accomplishes nothing. I have found a solution to avoid unnecessary worrying - focus on work and even if I do not totally get rid of my worries, at least I had been productive and achieved something.

Hopefully, the storm will move out of the country in a few hours. I just pray that it will not leave major damages and people will be safe.

Stop

My financial woes are still not over. ugh!

My neurons are about to dry up because I can't come up with more ways just to earn more. I am currently under pressure because of our monthly bills and now, I want that own home so bad I want to scream. Renting is alright, but it's much more comfortable to live in a place we can call our own. I can't just sit around and wait for a rich guy to sweep me off my feet. Heck! I am not that pretty to attract rich guys who can buy all beauty queens in this planet.

I am getting older and I am losing hope. Sometimes I just couldn't care less if I will ever make my dreams come true because I am so preoccupied by the present that I cannot afford to look into the future anymore. My day to day worries are sucking all the energy and optimism I have in me. Even daydreaming cannot make me smile anymore.

I don't want to live a life without a goal. I refuse to accept that my only purpose in existing is to live this kind of life. I once dreamed of greatness but my reality gave me a huge punch in the gut and showed me that I cannot go to that place. I had been born into a poor, unconventional family with ordinary looks, mediocre intelligence, and ordinary character. I am not as special as I wanted to believe. I have to accept that greatness is just not for me.

I don't want to deceive myself anymore. I don't want to believe those rags to riches stories anymore.

It's time to stop.

Musings 1

It's a few days before the next pay day. The days that I hate the most because the budget is slowly disappearing and all you can do is cross your fingers that there will be no emergency expenses until payday comes.

This is how it is for folks like me who live from paycheck to paycheck. I don't want to live like this anymore so I am squeezing my neurons out for ideas as to how I will earn more and live more comfortably. Unlike other people, I don't have rich parents. So whatever I am spending, I worked for it. That's why I am waging war against my sloth. If I earn just enough even if I am lazy, how much more can I earn if I work hard right?

Now, I will stop complaining. I will make do of what I have now and try my best not to be in this situation next time.

Mutterings 2

My patience is being tested.

It's not as long as I want it to be and I am struggling to keep my calm. Positive thinking is not helping me now. Prayer is my only source of strength. No matter how bad I want things to work out, no matter how much I try to have the right attitude - circumstances that are out of my control are happening and are giving me a hard time. I am not using them as an excuse. It seems as if, the universe is telling me that success is not as easy as I am thinking it is. All I am holding on to at this moment is the hope that when I get through this, my achievements will be much sweeter because I know that I gave it my all. I hope that my goal will be worth all the frustration, hopelessness, helplessness, impatience, and struggle that I am going through right now.

This must be how JK Rowling felt when things seemed bleak for Harry Potter. This must be how The Beatles felt when they were rejected by recording companies. This must be how Steve Jobs felt after being fired from his own company.

A lot of successful people failed before they reached the top. They knew how's it like to be at the bottom and they were smart enough not to back to that place again. Those failures were like their training ground which made them smarter and more determined.

I have reached the bottom some years back, I am not very far from my dream of success. I cannot let go of what I had started. I have the skills, all I need now is hard work and confidence. This is the way to go.

Mutterings 1 6/18/2013

It's raining everyday for the past three days now. My internet connection is acting up, travelling is inconvenient, and we are always on the lookout for flash floods. I love the rain and the coolness it gives but I hope it won't rain as badly as it did last year when we were forced to evacuate from our place due to the flood.

The second week of the school year is about to wrap up but it's not going as planned. The kids are much younger and I am having a little trouble adjusting to their moods and behavior. However, this is just the beginning. This only means that I have to work harder if I want things to get better.

Grateful for Dad

It's Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to my Dad in heaven and to all the fathers in the world.

I have written about how I miss my Dad everyday, how he taught us a lot of things and how he influenced us in a lot of ways. I guess, after so many years, you will just realize that words are not enough to describe how we love him.

For the twenty years of my life that I spent with him, I am thankful. And even if we have been raised in an unconventional family, I am still thankful. His shortcomings that made us strong, I am very thankful. To all the life lessons he left, I am truly thankful.

To sum it up, I am grateful.

If I Can't

The first week of the school year is over. Nothing changed much. I am still doing what I usually do. What in the world is wrong with me?

I really want to get out of my comfort zone and try being hardworking for a change. But I always let laziness and procrastination win. I do sleep earlier and wake up earlier than usual. I even leave the house earlier but I am still late for work. And after class, I want to finish all my paper work but I always end up candy crushing or watching some doramas and K-dramas. It really has to stop!

I am almost in my mid-thirties. I have to do something in my life and make it better than it is now. I have to go on with my plans.

Whew! That was one panic attack.

It's just sometimes I feel time is so fast I can't catch up to it. A lot of things happened, the world is continually changing. I heard from somewhere that organisms survive because they change. If I want to survive, I have to change as well. I used to be one of the best, but now, I don't have that confidence anymore.

If I can't be the best, I can at least make the best of what I am and where I am today.

Wishing for a Good Start

It is the big day tomorrow. The school year will officially open and I don't think I am prepared. There's no backing out now.I chose this path and I might as well give it my all.

I am actually dreading that I would fall back to the old routine. I hate the feeling of being tired but not feeling any accomplishment at all. I want to start my days hopeful and end them by being thankful or vice versa. I just don't want to waste time. And tomorrow, I want to try new things and explore different possibilities. I want to be a better teacher, a better leader. If I could start out right, the flow would be smoother and the end will be fabulous.

I am really wishing for a good start. Fighting!

Retaliation

I was lurking around Twitter when this twitter war between Mo Twister and Rico Robles broke out. My heart is with Rico since I have been listening to his show for quite some time but I know the fact that wit wise, Mo is at an advantage. To cheer for my bet, I just said, "suntukan na lang!"

Which brings me to another realization. When faced with an opponent, use your strength to attack your enemy's weakness.

I don't have a lot of enemies (and I am thanking God for that). There are some people who seem to be asking for it. Whether conscious or not, their stupid statements and boastfulness are provoking me. My patience is running out but I know that I would only make them laugh if I snap. So I am keeping quiet and occasionally feeding their conceit - my way of avoiding an all out war. But the next time they provoke me, I know how to deal with them. My strength lies inside my skull, theirs are in their mouths. I could win if I shut their trap by hitting on a sensitive nerve. Both are suffering from an inflated intellectual pride. I would not say anything, I will just give them an excellent piece of work which could gag them for life.

Money and it's importance

The school year is about to begin. I am neither excited nor scared. Just...normal.

My boss pointed out my lates this morning. I cannot react violently because it was stated properly and it really is my fault. I don't even want to defend myself or reason out because what I will say will be rude. I am always late because I don't feel like working. I have to force myself to go because I am so bored with my job which pays so little! The fulfillment of working with kids and teaching in general cannot even suffice because my compensation is not enough.

No matter how I try to think about it, even if I work my ass off, I cannot afford to buy the things that my family needs to live comfortably. It's not even enough for my own needs. My over functioning brain conked out when I try to compute. One of the things that I want is to live independently. Even if I get married, I do not want to depend too much on my husband to be. And if I want kids of my own, I want to be able to support them with my own earnings. With my present financial situation, thinking about the future is frustrating.

They say money cannot buy happiness. But at this moment, I need money to be happy.

Just Another Self Talk

I was bitten by a nostalgic bug yesterday so I watched a few episodes of "Meteor Garden." I followed Van Ness Wu a few days ago on twitter and Facebook and started wondering where the rest of the cast are.

They are all living happy and successful lives according to the internet. Van Ness is the same age as I am while Barbie is two years older and Jerry is a year older. Ken and Vic are a year and two years younger respectively. I don't know if it's a trend but I noticed that a lot of guys and girls in my generation marry a little later than others. Barbie married when she was 33. Van Ness is engaged. The others, I have no idea.

I had a dream yesterday. I was going to be married to a stranger. I searched the net for any psychological interpretation but they don't sound right. I guess it's just obvious that deep inside, I am longing to get married.

My fear of growing old alone is not the only reason. I want to feel how's it like to share my life with someone other than my biological family. I want to be a mother as well and share the joys and tears of parenthood with my husband. I want to discover that world that some of my friends enjoyed and are enjoying.

But then again, I believe I have to establish myself first. I will focus on my present goals and work hard. I was watching Raymund Marasigan of Sandwich in Bandila earlier and he affirmed what I realized not too long ago, there are many talented people but the hardworking ones are the ones who succeed.

I have mediocre talent, intelligence and skill. But I can rise above the rest by working hard.

We Need Change

Inhale...exhale...

I've been trying to condition my mind and my body for the weeks to come. It is so hard to fight the temptation of going lax on my job again. But I will not stop trying. I am backsliding on my diet and beautification plans. I have to constantly remind myself that if I want my dreams to come through, I have to push through with my plans. I have to fight back reality's biting, slapping, and kicking with a shove, a punch, and some high powered kamehame wave.

I want to survive, therefore, I have to change. Even in natural selection, the organisms that survived are the ones that made the necessary adaptations. It is scary but if I allow my fear to take over, I wouldn't evolve.