The War

I have made it to another perfect week!

Woohoo!!!

Now I am waging war against procrastination and laziness.

My daily to do list will be my best friend and I will not stop until I have reached all the goals I have for the day. I will not be forgiving. It's time for hardcore self discipline. If I want to be better, I have to work at it. With idleness, everything is ruined. So now I am embracing hard work and worthwhile use of time.

I have found inspiration in my family, my friends, students and crushes. I am guided by God's love and mercy. I am going to win this even if my hormones, the weather, and unexpected events are against it.

The Warrior

I am almost at the end of the second week of my perfect week challenge.

I am getting the hang of it though I still forget to do one or two tasks. I wish I could give all my activities equal time and I could reduce my procrastination by 75% at least.

I was checking my Facebook timeline when my favorite author, Paulo Coelho posted a picture of an excerpt from "Warrior of the light: A Manual." I haven't read this and I have no idea what a warrior of the light is. I just got inspired and touched by the words.



Because right now, I am very hopeful that I can be a better me.

Just Keep Going

Today is the third day of my perfect week challenge.

I have been successful in not being late. However, this time I also want to do my jobs well and maximize my time. I am positive that I can do what I set out to do. However, the bigger challenge for me today is doing my job with some financial set backs. Payday is still two days away but my pockets are emptying faster than my bladder.

So today, I am relying on God's mercy and grace, my family's support and on good friends who can help me get through this. I know that change is not easy and even painful sometimes but the end is rewarding and blissful.

Just like the Energizer bunny, I will just keep going.

Nobody said It was Going to be Easy

I was aiming for another perfect week and almost got disappointed. I left home a little late yesterday and I miscalculated my travel time. Luckily, the traffic was not so heavy and I was able to get to work on time.

I was already rejoicing at around 3pm. The first day was almost over. Around 8 pm, I got a text from Jingle that she was rushed to the hospital. I had to do some errands. My schedule was not followed but it didn't matter. What was more important was she is okay now. I got home at around 11 pm and slept at around 1 am.

I was not late this morning, my classes went well. I am just a bit sleepy and my brain is malfunctioning once again. My eyes are heavy and so is my tummy. I have eaten too much because I am feeling kinda weak due to the lack of rest.

This is hard. But I want to get better. Nobody said it was going to be easy. So let me hold on Lord. Give me the determination, motivation and the wisdom. =)

Baby Steps to Getting Better

I made it!

I made the perfect week. No late! Not even a single minute. I took a picture of my time card but the print is so light I can barely see it. I will continue this for the rest of the school year.

I discovered that it’s a lot easier to work when you are not in a hurry. While it is true that my brain can’t seem to function unless I am aware that the deadline is about to come, I have come to realize that it is all psychological. I have been so used to cramming that I have forgotten how’s it like to work without worrying if I will make it or not.

So now, I want to say goodbye to cramming. I would miss the challenge but it’s much easier this way. I am not getting any younger and it’s time to show my subordinates that I can be a model teacher.

I am holding on to my promise of making myself better. This is just the first step. I am excited at the prospect of seeing a better me. I want to let go of my insecurities and the rare self loathing. I am embracing the world of being a good and disciplined woman.

Age is just a number. I would like to believe that I am not too old to undergo change. I have to prepare myself emotionally and psychologically. I have been in my comfort zone for so long and it is only now that I am learning my mistakes. Now, I am ready to move on and I know it’s not too late. I am still young. I have a lot of future in front of me and I still have a lot of time to learn new things.
Maybe when I am better, the man for me will come. =)

The Perfect Week

I don't want to celebrate yet but I am positive that I will have win this one.

I have not been late in coming to work for the whole week! WOO HOOOOOO!!!!!

I found the perfect routine for me. Since I go home late, I will just rest for a while and sleep then I will wake up real early to do what needs to be done. This way, I have control of my time. It's a Friday today here in our country and if I come early today, I have made the full week. WOO HOOOOOO!!!!!

It's a big deal for me since I have been late in going to work for so many years. I hope this will signal a big change in my work habits. I hope that I can finally say that I've changed. Changed for the better.

So once again, here's another for my perfect week : WOO HOOOOOO!!!!!

What I Want Right Now

"Been running from this feeling for so long
Telling my heart I didn't need it
Pretending I was better off alone
But I know that it's just a lie"

Need to Be Next to You (Leigh Nash)

It has been a long time since I actually looked at the possibility of falling in love again. I have lost interest in men and relationships in general. I know that the time will come when I will meet the right person. But every time I look at my age and realize that I haven't met even a single prospect, my hope diminishes to zero and I have to convince myself that maybe it's better this way - alone and free.

When I watch romantic movies or see happy couples, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. Why haven't I met the one yet? Or is there really someone out there for me? I try to ignore the loneliness and the constant fear of growing old alone. I try to be content at the thought that at least I have loved and have been loved before. But I know that I am just lying to myself that I am okay with being single.

Right now, I am in love with a dream. Someone I can only have in an alternate universe. He can make me smile and keep me inspired. But in my walking, breathing moments -- I want a real person. I want to fall in love with someone I can actually touch and hold.

In this day and age, it's just so hard to find a single, emotionally available man. At my age, it's even harder to find the right one. I want to keep believing and hoping. I would continue praying.

The news of an acquaintance's death shocked and saddened me. I heard the news that he was on a coma this morning and at three in the afternoon, he was gone. We were not very close but he was nice to me. Though there were misunderstanding between him and my other friends, he never once included me in their affairs.

Those who were close to him never saw any indication he was sick. The doctor suspected cancer. Allan was sick for a long time and even he did not suspect it. Life is really fleeting. The only consolation is that he did not suffer for long. He was still young and still at his prime. I hope his life had been full and his soul had found peace with our creator.

Time and Energy

Another week has officially started. Inasmuch as I want to have enough sleep and do all the things I set out to do, my energy level is against me.

Time is really gold. Make that diamond or platinum. I don't want to waste even a single second and yet even if I have my day planned out, some other matter needs immediate attention and my to do list becomes neglected again. Like this morning, I have my day planned out but the faculty meeting got a little later than usual so I was late for my tutorials and I went home late. Now, I don't have the energy to do my lesson plans for tomorrow and to prepare the reviewers for my tutees.

I am feeling sleepy as of this moment.

I can't update my fiction blog though I really want to. To add up, I have financial issues at hand and I can't think straight and find the best solution.

Yes! I'll answer my bed's invitation. It will be the best for the both of us since I can't work properly anyway.

Rainy Days and Mondays

The rain stirs up a lot of emotions in me. It brings out a lot of memories both happy and sad. It's raining right now and at almost four in the morning, the fresh air it brings makes me want to go out and stand under the raindrops.

We were allowed to take a bath in the rain when we were kids. My cousins and I will run around the compound wearing only our underwear and play games. When we got a little older and got more conscious of our bodies, we wear all our clothes and made our mothers angry for wetting the living room and bedroom floors.

When I was thirteen, my classmates and I went to a field for our newspaper drive when it suddenly rained. The raindrops are so big and heavy it hurts when they hit our bodies. My friend Gladys lost one of her slippers and decided to just leave the other slipper behind. We all went home soaking wet and disappointed for we weren't able to collect any newspaper.

In college, my cousin Mau and I loved rainy and stormy days. Apart from classes being suspended, we have an excuse to wear shorts, slippers, and jackets. Then we would go to the mall and eat pizza. We love the feeling of shivering in cold while watching rain soaked people walk in front of us.

There was one particular event that happened while it was raining that still makes me smile after all these years. It was almost morning and I just came from a birthday party when I bumped into this guy Jeff in Cubao. There was nothing special about the meeting but he asked for my number. You see, he was our crush, me and my cousin Saray. So it was a big deal for me back then. He didn't call but after a month, I bumped into him at the public market and it was raining. He was drenched and he said hi and told me that I gave him the wrong number. So it means that he called, but it was the wrong number. I didn't bother correcting him then because the old phone has been disconnected at that time. That was the last time I saw him. I heard he's happily married with kids now.

It was also raining when my then super crush Alex offered me a ride. There were other classmates in his car so I declined. It was also raining when I spotted him at the CASAA wearing the things I asked for as a sign. I would rather not discuss it here because nothing happened out of that but it still brings happiness when I remember that day.

Ondoy ruined the rain for me. That was almost three years ago. We were just starting a new life, happy to be finally on our own. In a matter of minutes, the flood drowned out everything we have worked for. I prayed for the rains to stop. I was so fearful for our lives. Adie was just 2 weeks old, Jackie was just recovering from birth, Jane was somewhere in the city. God heard our prayers and kept all of us alive and unscathed.

Then on, rain that lasts for more than an hour brings fear. Malling is not as fun as it used to when all I can think of is the water level at the dams. I don't notice the people I encounter on the streets because I was always in a hurry to go home.

But I still like occasional rains. It's refreshing and invigorating. I hope it will bring new and better memories.

Superstitious Me

Not a lot of my friends know this, but I am actually a bit superstitious.

When I was younger, I just follow so as not to irk the elders. As the years go by, I found myself actually practicing them and sometimes even believing them. I know it is stupid and it shows lack of faith. I am trying to break them, especially if they really sound stupid but I kinda feel guilty afterwards. I fight it off with prayer and realize that it's really stupid.

However, old habits are hard to break. I just practice them out of habit and I just tell myself there is nothing to lose anyway. So here are some of the superstitious belief I still follow.

1. Don't cut nails at night and on Fridays - they say it means you're cutting off good things that are happening in your life. I tried breaking this rule once and I ran out of money the next day. So now, don't be surprised if you see that I have dirty nails on the weekend.

2. Seeing a black cat is bad luck - and the counter curse is walking nine steps backward. I have followed this religiously since I was a kid. But a few days ago, I saw a black cat on my way to school. I cannot walk backwards because all my neighbors are outside and I don't want to look like a moron. So I just did a virtual nine step backward walk. Nothing happened thank God.

3. wearing matching shirts and shorts is not good - no pinks with reds and green with blues. I was wearing pink shorts and a red shirt when Ted died so I kinda equated it. It really sounds stupid I know so I am trying not to think of bad things when I ran out of the correct color combinations.

4. lucky shirts, shorts, and underwear - I used to have them when I was a student. There was one particular shirt that I wore until it had holes in it because it was the shirt I was wearing when I took the UPCAT and when I looked at the result. I realized that it has nothing to do with the clothes but the confidence I have when I am wearing them.

5. stepping on poop means you'll have money - it happened a couple of times. But no matter how great the need is, I cannot make myself step on poop deliberately. The smell is unbearable and cleaning up my slippers is doubly unbearable.

There are more of the traditional ones like not sweeping at night, not bringing home food from a funeral, not opening the umbrella indoors. I just do them to please the elders. There's nothing to lose anyway.

I guess I follow and believe some of them because I can't find any other explanations for occasional bad things that happen. I put the blame on innocent things rather than recognizing my own stupidity or accepting things I have no control of.

As I have always stated, there's nothings to lose anyway.

Endings and Beginnings

Tomorrow is Dream High's last day on Philippine TV. I'm quite sad because I don't have a reason to stay up late anymore. I have already watched the whole series, thrice. But still, it pains me to say goodbye to characters I have learned to love and appreciate.

It's like graduation blues. You weren't happy all throughout the journey but when you realize it's about to end, a part of you wants to hold on to it. I know there are other series which star the same actors. I can watch their movies too but it still is not the same.

Just like my students. I let them graduate every year and every graduation day is an agony knowing that I have to let them go. I know I will have a new batch for the net year but it's not the same.

So far, this year's batch of kids are not giving me a reason not to like them. They are obedient and well behaved. Many are promising and most of them are lovable. I hope this year I can make the most of my time with them so that I will not be sad when the year ends.

First Day Blues

It's the opening of classes. I met my new batch of kids and I think we're going to do just fine. The class went smoothly and so did my tutorials. I looked after Jingle's class and it's nice to be with younger kids again.

I don't know why I am not so happy. Maybe it is because Jackie is about to leave for the States again and inasmuch as I hate to admit it, I am going to miss her. It's only going to take six months but it's still different. If she's just here, I can just take a minute's walk and we can talk. If she's far, we have to wait until she has a signal good enough to contact us. I hope the plan of taking the kids to Ilocos won't push through. It's sad enough to know that Jackie will be away, it's depressing if the kids will be far too.

Maybe my over-sentimentality is brought about by my period. Even thoughts of Zo In sung and Kim Soo Hyun are not enough to make me smile. The deadline for paying that stupid credit card is coming as well. We have to pay the rent and electricity too. I just can't find the reason to be joyful today. I wish I could concentrate on the good things that happened like the kids being good, the tutorials being mine for sure, Adie's chattiness, Erin's toothless grin, hearing that I look like I lost some weight.

This is not always the case during first day of classes. I am usually excited and driven. Maybe it just fell on the wrong date.

I need to pray. Perhaps I could write something more positive.

Ten Reasons Why I am Proud to be Pinoy

It's almost Independence Day. Just yesterday, the whole nation is angry with the results of the Pacquiao-Bradley fight. In a few minutes, the whole country will be celebrating its 114th year of freedom.

To celebrate this very important day, I would list down the reasons why I am proud to be a Filipino.

1. Faith in God - We have always been proud to say that we are the only Christian country in Southeast Asia. In spite of all the trials and hardships we have to face as a race, we hold on to God, believe that things will be better, and be certain that there is a higher purpose in all things.

2. Strong Family Ties - We put our families first in most situations. We care for our kids, treat our elderly with respect, and stand beside each other no matter what. Though this value has some negative effects like nepotism and over dependence, I see that majority of us love and treat our kin with fairness and respect.

3. Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Gregoria De Jesus, Gabriela Silang - We love our freedom and we fight for it even if it costs us our lives.

4. Manny, Lea, Charice, Arnel, Apl, Bruno, Jessica, and a lot more - We are a talented race!

5. Gloria Diaz, Margie Moran, Melanie Marquez, Lara Caguiman, Venus Raj, Shamcey Supsup - and a beautiful race as well.

6. Efren Penaflorida, OFW's - and a new breed of heroes are made each day.

7.Palawan Underground River, Banaue Rice Terraces, Chocolate Hills, Mayon Volcano, Boracay, Pagudpud, and the rest of the 7, 107 islands - We live in a beautiful country.

8. Hospitality - we treat visitors like royalty. Any foreigner who visits the country will definitely say that Filipinos will kill you - with kindness.

9. People Power - who can forget EDSA? Even if the last two were disappointing, the point is, we are united when the situation gets tough. Remember all those typhoons and we all worked together to make the affected areas rise back? Plus, don't dare challenge the country in text voting and internet polls. You'll lose badly.

10.Value for Education Even the poorest of the poor want to be educated.

Mabuhay Pilipinas! Maligayang Araw ng Kalayaan!

Pacquiao - Bradley Fight -- My Thoughts

Like the majority of Filipinos, I was glued to the TV yesterday due to the Pacquiao fight. Time stands still in the Philippines every time our boxing hero is in the ring. The streets are empty, the police officers can relax because consistently, the crime rate is zero.

After every fight, every one, even bums become boxing experts giving their own opinions and analysis of the game. For today, I would be the same even if I don't know the mechanics just the most common (which is no hitting below the belt).

The thing is, I watched the delayed telecast. I already knew the result even before watching it. Like the rest of the world, I was disappointed. After watching, I was angry. It was clear, even for non-experts like us, that Pacquiao won.

But seeing Manny after the fight and hearing his interview made me calm down. He was teary-eyed but he accepted his defeat gracefully. He took it as a test of faith. I wanted to cry when he bowed his head down to pray.

To be honest, I don't like Manny Pacquiao as a person. I like him as a fighter and the way he put the Philippines on the map. But his lavish lifestyle and his political ambition turned me off. However, after seeing him yesterday, I can now say that I like him wholeheartedly. It takes great courage and faith to stand and fight but it takes even greater courage and faith to face defeat. Watching him post fight, I see a man of courage, faith, and honor.

I guess Manny just grew up and God is really honing him. This defeat is just a lesson in humility and maybe it's to show him how Juan Manuel Marquez felt during the last fight. With his newly-found faith and maturity, I am sure that he learned his lesson.

What disgusted me after the fight are fellow Filipinos who are happy with what happened. How dare them call themselves Filipinos?! I guess they still have the old talangka mentality. Pulling other people down just because they can't have the fame, wealth, and honor Manny Pacquiao has.

But who are they anyway? International big names like Justin Timberlake and Miley Cyrus believe that Manny won. Even Mayweather's dad who was so critical of Pacquiao before.

Even in defeat, Pacman made his star shine even brighter. That's a real winner.

Unfulfilled Desires

When I am walking down the street, sitting in a jeep, making my way to school - I always plug my earphones on. Music gives me some form of entertainment and at the same time makes me explore an alternate world where I am a slightly different person living a slightly different life. There are different worlds for each song that I listen to. Depending on my mood and what I want at the moment, the situations in my head varies.

Most of the time I see myself with a group of new friends hanging out in a karaoke bar. we would place bets and they would force me to sing on stage. My crush will be there and I would sing the current song for him. Then he will join me and we will start a wonderful relationship.

Another scene that forms in my head is a friend of mine, a film major, will use one of the stories I wrote for his project. Since he can't afford to hire big name actors, he will ask me to play the lead in his movie and the songs I am hearing will be the theme song.

I have a lot of unfulfilled desires. I want to sing, I want to act, I want to write. I can do them but it's not the way I want it to be. I want people to watch, listen, and read. Who does not want admiration? and of course attention?

Maybe this is why I enjoy teaching. I can be a singer, an actress, and a writer at the same time. I have an audience that is much more generous on giving their admiration and attention.

My History of Being a Silent Fan

According to the dictionary, a fan is a person with a liking and enthusiasm for something, such as a band, a sports team or entertainer. Usually fans are willing to change their lifestyle and show great devotion to the object of their liking. Fans are of different types and of different levels.

I respect fans. And at different points of my life, I have been a fan. I like celebrities, music groups, movies, TV programs, radio shows, DJ's, dancers, and almost everyone in the entertainment industry.

When I was 14, I fell in love with the Gwapings (Eric Fructuoso, Jomari Yllana, Mark Anthony Fernandez). When we were 15, me and my high school pals went to every show that will guest the Universal Motion Dancers. Sweet 16, I wrote a fan letter to the Eraserheads. I was 18 when I collected pictures and hunted every video store for Leonardo di Caprio. I think it was the year after when I waited for three hours, got pushed and pushed other ladies aside just to get a glimpse of Kavana.

In my 20's I wasn't so crazy for celebrities because I was busy building my career.Then the funny thing happened when I was in my 30's. I discovered Criminal Minds and went crazy for Matthew Gray Gubler. Then I also started liking Jackson Rathbone, James Franco, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. At the same time, I rediscovered radio and went gaga for Chico and Delamar. Now there's also Gino, Rico, and Jude.

Then just lately, I got addicted to Korean dramas. Well, I enjoyed some of them before like Lovers in Paris, Memories of Bali, Full House, My name is Kim Sam Soon, Winter Sonata, Lovers, Boys Over Flowers, and 49 Days. I enjoyed them but I don't pay a lot of attention to the actors. I love the story lines and the characters but I didn't really care who they are in real life. Then Dream High came and I found myself admiring Kim Soo-Hyun. Since the present day and age enable fans to learn more about their idols, I researched all my favorite K Dramas and now I am so crazy for Jo In-sung or Zo In sung.

I have been reading about what a fan a truly is. Yes I am proud to be a celebrity fan. I am just not on a high level. You see, my past idols, I still like them. But not as much as I used to at that time. I am dreaming and fantasizing of meeting them or breathing the same air as theirs but I am not doing anything to make those fantasies come true.

Unlike other fans, I don't join clubs and conventions. I don't create magazines or blogs dedicated exclusively to my idols. Not that I am saying that that is wrong. I am actually thankful for these fans because they are the ones who provide a peek into the celebrities' lives. I just don't have as much passion as they have.

I would like to think of myself as a silent fan. Just like spectators on the sidelines. I cheer whenever I can but I don't immerse myself too much. I am happy just to admire them from where I stand. If I am destined to shake their hand, I would be thankful. But if fate has another path for me, I would be thankful that at one point on that path, these celebrities made me smile.

One Way Love

"Mabuti pa sa lotto
may pag-asang manalo
'di tulad sa'yo
imposible"

(it's better in the lottery
There is a chance to win
unlike with you
impossible)

--Pangarap Lang Kita
by: Parokya ni Edgar

I have been hearing this song play over and over in my head since last night. The video is nice and the message is something that many of us can relate to. It's about a guy in love with a girl he thinks is impossible to have since she is rich not knowing that the girl is also in love with him but she just can't show it because she is conservative.

Nothing hurts more than being secretly in love with someone and not being able to express that feeling. Having this person so near and yet so far. You'll always be hoping against all odds that fate would make a way for you. I have been in the same situation countless times before. I'm not sure if they liked me back but if they did and I never knew it, that will be like the biggest darn!

At least with liking celebrities, I know my place. I can say it loud and it will be alright since celebrities are there to be liked. I won't hope for too much because I know that we're not on the same level. I can always dream but if nothing happens, I won't be very disappointed.

But it doesn't matter if you're in love with a celebrity or with a friend. One way love still hurts big time. Even if you tell yourself that seeing your loved one happy is enough to make you happy, it still brings a certain pain. Because whether we admit it or not, we all want to be loved.

Comfort Foods

I am actually under stress right now. The reason - my bills. They have all piled up and I haven't heard from my tutorial clients yet. So I am actually panicking. Where in the world will I get money in less than 15 days.

On days like this, I turn to something that would relax me. And that is my comfort food.

I am an emotional eater. Maybe this is why I got this big. I eat when I am very happy. I eat more when I am stressed out. When I am depressed, I eat even more. There is no specific food for a specific emotion. But these are some of the foods that relieve my stress, make me forget my sadness, and mark my happiness.

1. Chocolates - I prefer plain, dark ones. My favorite brand is Cadbury. The way it melts in my mouth and the instant energy I get from it will surely make me smile again.

2. Ice cream - any flavor will do but rocky road and strawberries and cream would be most welcome. The coldness and the creaminess make my heart and tongue flutter.

3. Pizza - there was a time I consumed 8 slices of a 12 inch pizza. I want mushrooms, pepperoni, bacon, ground meat, ham and bell peppers on mine.

4. Chicken noodles - this was the only food I was able to consume when I first wore braces. Everytime I eat it, I can clearly remember how it had provided relief from the pain of tightened teeth.

5. wafer sticks - I remember a certain period in my life when I was able to eat up a box and I did not realize how many I consumed until I was reaching for more. I can't exactly recall the reason why I ate that much though.

6. mangga't bagoong - this brings back childhood memories of running after the seller in a bicycle and choosing which piece is the biggest. It was so simple but those were happy times.

7. egg pie - when I was a kid, I rarely buy this because it was too much for a kid's budget. but I remember my Mom buying me this when I get good grades and I do something good.

8. Tocino - when we were young, this is the food that moms used to give us when we get sick. fever can ruin the appetite, the combination of sweetness and saltiness of this food makes it ideal for sick kids. I used to be happy when I get sick because I can finally eat tocino but when I got older, I just eat it whenever I feel like it.

9. potato chips - munching on this crunchy snack makes my brain function and more often than not, I come out okay after eating a bag or two.

10. brownies - the sweetness and the texture just makes me feel fine. I prefer Goldilocks' or Mrs. Fields.

Right now, I want to lose weight. With the stress I am currently undergoing, i don't know if I can stick to my diet. I just hope that just a bite or two of any of them will be enough to relax me.

On Friendship

I am not what you call a friendly person.

It's not because I am a snob like what most people think. I am actually shy. I am afraid to make a bad first impression. I tend to say nonsense things or do stupid stuff when I am uncomfortable. So I am usually quiet when I am around people who are not close enough to be called friends.

But once I get comfortable with a person, I can actually be sensible and funny. I can be a good friend. Maybe not your best but I can be good.I can be a shoulder to cry on. I can help when I can. I can listen. I can be there. I just don't know if I can reach people's standards when it comes to friends.

My friend Jingle has a very high standard when it comes to friendship. There are times that it frustrates me and I feel like I am being pressured into reaching that standard. What I discovered though is that I actually reach her standard when I stop trying. When I'm just being me and I'm letting her see what she really is to me.

I have my own standards.

As I've said a thousand times before, I only have a handful of friends. But I can say and feel that they're real. Not all my friends are perfect. They have disappointed me in more than a thousand times before. We had our share of misunderstandings and fights. I had given up on some of them. The others, I just let go and pray that one day they'll remember me.

I cannot say what standards really are. While it is true that it takes time for friendship to be strong, I have some friends who I've known for barely a year but they have been better friends than the others I've been with for ten years. Common interests are good but amongst my friends, I am the only one who likes Korean dramas and actors, who don't play any sport, and who likes to stay at home on weekends. I am not always there for them, they are not always there for me. There are even times I think they're not even listening to me.

I guess my standard is really simple. There's got to be that kind of love that is hard to explain but you can feel. I feel this with my friends. That kind of no matter what I will still be your friend. Even if I get angry at something you did or you hurt me in a way or two. Even if we have not seen each other or talked to each other for many years.

Before you can be my friend, I guess it's simple. You just have to show me that you want me in your life. That you think I am worthy to be called your friend. Then perhaps I can open my heart as well.

My Big Face

I am all alone in the house and I have nothing to do. So out of boredom, I took my make-up kit and started painting my face. This big face. Here's the outcome.

I should have put some nose line on. It did injustice to my nose. I just wish I could have a thinner face so that it would not look so huge. I really need to lose some weight.

But I'm happy with how my face looks. With or without make-up. Here's one without make-up.

While it is true that looks are not everything, it still feels good to like the one you see in the mirror. I am not as gorgeous as those models or movie stars but I am beautiful in my own way.

Do I sound insecure? Maybe. But looks don't last. Character does. So no matter how I look, I would maintain my character. The good parts of course and I will strive hard to be a good person. =)

Videoke Time

It's videoke weekend again for my neighbors. I hate the noise and the fact that many of them have terrible voices but I love videoke myself and I know that it's fun to sing even if your voice sounds terrible and you don't know the correct tune.

When my pals and I go out for videoke, we have our favorite pieces. Mine is as follows:

1. Pretty Baby (Vanessa Carlton)
2. Sayang (Claire Dela fuente)
3. Stay (lisa Loeb)
4. I Do (Lisa Loeb)
5. Take This Love (Sergio Mendes)

I don't usually volunteer to sing because my friends literally have to wrestle with each other just to have their turn. With their voices, I feel like a lost kid. They sing very well. Me? I can carry a tune and sing with feelings but I am not sure if anybody would even ask me for a repeat. But everytime I get a chance to, I sing at the top of my lungs and with all my heart.

When I am singing with my friends I imagine myself singing onstage with a live band. The music drowns out my voice and a bottle or two of alcohol gives me the confidence I need to stand in front of an audience.

I will admit that I once dreamed of being a singer or an actress. I wanted to have fame and fortune. I wanted to see my face on billboards or on the pages of my favorite magazines. I wanted to live on the spotlight. But that was when I was young. That was before I realized I don't have the looks nor the talent to be a star.

Good thing videokes are here. I can still perform in front of an audience. A forgiving audience called friends and family.