Cramming Again

I have a lot of things to do.

As usual, I have not started on any of them. I don't have enough time and yet I am here - blogging. Writing things that nobody even reads. Well, right now I don't even care. I want to sleep but my neighbors are having another party (on a weekday my goodness!). I used to think that I can bear the noise but it seems I can't. My head is too full of ideas and too full of plans that I don't know which ones I really want to do.

Two of the short stories I started would have to wait another day. My sachets of fiction thing has not been updated for who knows how long. Even my random thoughts blog has been untouched for quite sometime now. So much for exploring my creative side! I'm just too versatile I can't master any one of the skills I acquired.

Lord God help me. I suck at planning, even more in executing. I have been a crammer for so long I can't find inspiration when I know there is still a lot of time. Anyway, I just hope I will have a good night's rest and I pray that I'll regain my mojo tomorrow.

The Hand that Never Lets Go

I have made a lot of promises. To myself, to my friends, to my family and to God. I have carried out most of them but broken a lot too. Especially the ones I made to God. Tto do my though I am trying my very best to live a blameless life, I still feel guilty for not going to church and not fulfilling my vows when I told God that He will be the number one priority in my life.

I have been so busy doing my worldly duties that time and again I have forgotten that my biggest duty is to serve Him. When I do plans, I forget to ask for His guidance and only remember Him when glitches happen. He never leaves me in spite of my shortcomings but I always abandon him in spite of His goodness. I become proud most of the time. I do thank Him and recognize that He is the wind beneath my wings but I fail to do my duties as a Christian, or a Catholic for that matter. I pray regularly before I sleep, before I go to work and boast of this relationship I call a personal one. However, its been almost a year since I last went to Church and more than a year since I last read the Bible and really "talk" to Him.

I guess when He lets fear come inside my heart, it is His way of calling me and reminding me that I need Him. That He wants to be there for me but I keep ignoring Him. He knows that even if people see me as this strong and brave lady, I shiver over the littlest of things. He knows me too much to know that it is when I am afraid that I hold on the most tightly to Him.

I know I am not perfect. And thinking positively will not solve all my problems. But holding on to Him will...

I have to remember that. Always.

Inhale.... Exhale!

I want to scream,

One set of the kid' test papers are missing. I have looked all over for it and I need it before tomorrow. I am on the verge of freaking out so I am writing this to calm down. I need to inhale and exhale as I tap on the letters on this keyboard. I am battling my headaches by playing Cityville on FB. I know I'll get through this. I just need to slow down the beating of my heart.

I want to feel relaxed and beautiful when I face the parents a day or two from now. I want a clear head so that I can give them an excellent report about their children's development. I want them to see that they have made the right choice in letting the children stay with us until Kinder 2 level.

So in this light, I will resume the search. Hopefully soon I'll find them tucked somewhere and I can proceed my other plans. +0

Kicking Stress.

It's another Monday and I am tempted to just sit here and browse the internet until it's time to go. We just celebrated another birthday in the classroom and it's exam week. There's so little time with so much things to do.

Well, I can manage to do them all. I just don't want to cram again and feel all pressured for the wrong reasons. I want to feel that freedom. I want to believe that I have all the time in the world to accomplish the things I need to do. I need more time to relax. Come to think of it, I started getting fat when I let all the stresses of work and my ex get to me. Now that the ex is gone and work is under control, perhaps, I will let my body adapt to the steady rhythm I used to have.

So babye stress. I'll take a nap first hehe.

Just Wishing

It has been almost three years since I last had a boyfriend. Though I know in my heart that it is not my priority right now, I wish I could have one. I am not in a hurry. It's just sometimes, all these lovers around me make me feel the want to hold that someone special close and feel safe.

I'm not looking. I'm just waiting. My profession and my lifestyle makes it hard to look for a potential romance. Perhaps when someone sees me in spite of this, it is indeed fate that brought us together.

I have always said that I am a hopeless romantic. I have been bitter in the past but still, my heart beat in the right place. No matter how corny I find sweet nothings and public displays of affection are, I know that I am capable of loving as corny as others do.

I wish I could find a man who is in the same level as I am in all aspects. A person who shares the same sentiments and priorities as I have. I hope that he will inspire me and motivate me to be better each day. I need a person who can stimulate me intellectually, a person with whom I can learn from and who can learn from me. I want someone who makes me feel needed, that I am important, that I matter. I want a person who I can be proud of. I need a reason for a twinkle in my eye and that glowing smile that only a person in love have.

I know one day he will find me.

It's just one of those days =)

I was so excited this morning because I finally brought the dslr cam here in school only to be disappointed later because apparently my sister did not charge the battery. I was not able to use it!!!

Anyway, another week has passed. I am feeling a bit queasy and light headed at the same time. Okay fine! I admit it - I am feeling lazy again. It's Friday. I want to go to the mall or roll around on my bed. I don't want to do any school stuff.

It was as if I lost my momentum. I was so inspired the past week. I had lots of ideas in my head. I was able to carry out those ideas in class this week. There are still unfinished tasks and some needs polishing. I just don't feel like doing them.

I promised myself that I won't let these kinds of days ruin the course of my life.

I am not letting it. I will catch a power nap in a few minutes and hopefully, I'll get my mojo back. I am at war here. The opponent must not see that I am still the old me. I want to show 'em I am better without saying anything.

Back to work!

Last Night's Fun and Minor Stupidities

I have asked my dear friend Cheska to watch "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" a few days back. Speaking of which, I just would like to correct myself because I said that it is a Peter Jackson film. The thing is, Andy Serkis played Gollum and Kingkong if I am not mistaken. I got all confused. Anyway, it's not doing so well in our country even if James Franco is starring in it because a local indie film, "Ang Babae sa Septic Tank," came out. We agreed that we are going to watch it instead.

However, just like all previous plans, our plan to go out did not push through because Elvin celebrated his birthday at Klang's place. We threw all other activities aside and went to Santolan. It was a night of jokes, gossips, and tons of fun. We didn't realize that it has been so long since we were all together. The longest time that we haven't seen each other so far.

I have come to realize how few my friends are. Apart from my high school group (only three of us are left) and Jingle, the gays are my only friends. I am not so sad about it though; because as I have always pointed out, I have very few people I call friends but I know all of them are real. We may have misunderstandings, we may not have enough time for each other but we love each other unconditionally.

Anyway, I came home at around 4pm. It was a blast and I hope we could have another one on my birthday. =)