Realization

Midlife crisis - defined as a period of self doubt experienced by some individuals with the realization that youth has passed them by. I am nowhere near middle age. I still have some good eight years before I declare myself as one. However, I am beginning to feel that self doubt.

I know I still have a lot of time but I feel like I have wasted my twenties. It should've been the time to explore possibilities in my career and in my personal growth. Instead, I have used it being fearful of what the future might bring.

Now, I want to be ready to get out of my comfort zone. I want to do the exploration that I should've done years ago. Fear has driven me to places that are both good and bad. My family is now doing better. My sisters are now grown up. I have a nephew to raise with my whole family. My mom is not as overworked as before. I have reached the highest position in school.

I still want more things though. I want to pursue my dream of writing fiction. I want to finish my MA. I want to go abroad and earn more. I'm dreaming of buying my family a house and owning my school.

I can still do them I know but my opportunities are getting slimmer every day. When I look at job opportunities, they are looking for someone younger than I am. When I try to write, I feel like I'm writing gibberish. I always tell myself that I should take baby steps towards getting over these fears - but it's just so hard!

Is there a store somewhere where I can buy courage? Or faith so strong that will make me believe that nothing is impossible? Well, I have found my own answer just now. All I need is to pray.

I am not a very religious person and everyday I am struggling to keep my faith. I am not as strong as people believe me to be. Oh Lord, I find answers in strange places and strange circumstances.

Keeping the Faith

After almost ten years of not showing up, she came back - Noreen. 1/12th of our so called barkada in high school.

I have been looking for her for so many years. Nobody knew what happened to her except she went back home to Ilocos. I searched the internet for any signs. I even looked up her older brother but to no avail. Now, she found us. She came to us.

It was the right time.

Now that I am losing touch of my remaining friends and I am planning on working abroad. Her comeback made me feel that things happen just at the right moment.

I have stayed in my school for almost six years now. As I wrote earlier, I am so used to it I could do it with my eyes closed. Out of boredom, I searched the internet and the opportunity for Singapore came. I have always been afraid of change. My best friend told me the other day that she thinks I am going to stay in one place forever. Now, I am ready to face a new world. I'm still scared but I am choosing to have faith.

Faith in my Creator. Faith that He knows what is the best for me. Faith that He will not give me a challenge I could not take.

I want to hold on to that faith.

I was talking to my mother the other day about how some mothers are afraid of bad things happening to their children when they go away. She told me that she has the same fears but she shakes it off with a little prayer. My mother is not a religious woman and she rarely discuss God with us. But those words came at the right time.

I have a lot of fears. Fears that I am afraid to face. Because I am deciding to count on faith - I will not face them at all. I will hold on God's hands and ask Him to face it for me. Knowing that He will not let me down is enough to make those fears go away, leave, and not come back.

The Pause

Right now, I am enjoying a quiet moment.

It is a weekend and I'm sure all my friends are out. I know that they are somewhere drinking, dancing, or singing. They are rewarding themselves with fun after the gruelling five days of deadlines, cranky bosses, irritating clients, etc.

But right now, I am sitting alone in our dining area and blogging.

I know I am missing a lot - the fun, the scoops, the companionship. I'm alright though, I haven't been with them for a while. I just want to enjoy myself tonight. It's "me" time.

It is not easy to find contentment these days. With the changing standards and fast-paced life, it is hard to stay in one place and watch everything pass you by. It is always tempting to go with the flow. Today, I tried stopping and it felt nice. It's like sitting in front of the street and watching people go by. It is quite relaxing and amazingly, it made me feel good.

Soon, I know I have to stand up and go back to my to the hustle and bustle. But I'm not dreading it. I am actually excited because I have a lot of ideas in my head. Ideas that formed because I stopped and watched. And I know, if ever I feel tired or pressured again - I can opt to stop and once more, watch.

letting go

I was looking at the pictures of some batchmates who had their own reunion. We were not invited, not even informed, because it was just their "section."

I try to be unaffected. After all, I understand where they were coming from. Sometimes, it's much nicer to be around people who are closer to you. After all, back in high school, they spent more time with each other than with the whole batch. Together with our "sections," we have experienced similar events and shared the same environment. We are closer within the confines of the classroom than with the people who graduated in the same year as us.

However, it made me realize one thing. It was a hopeless pursuit to persuade batch 95 to be together in one grand reunion. Cliques will find their way to have private moments with each other. Old friends would prefer to be together and ignore others in the room who are also busy catching up with their old pals.

I guess, it was naive of me to believe that I can still make new friends out of old acquaintances. I am making a pathetic effort to replace my own so-called friends in HS.

Ted is in some place better. I am left with Ana Lynn and Gladys. Leah is making a comeback but she is based in Singapore. Noreen disappeared without a trace. Enrico, Grace, Arlene, Nita, and Me-anne forgot about us. Jeunesse is just around the corner. It is just so sad that after all we went through together, only a few of us are left.

I cannot blame my batchmates if they don't want to respond to my calls or comment in the FB stats. We were not close in HS, we didn't share the same memories. We were mean in an innocent way. If it's any consolation, we don't want them to feel inferior. We only did our best for ourselves. Academics were our world back then. We were sheltered from the pain of poverty, abuse, and ignorance. All we cared about is getting high grades and making sure our parents will be on stage on our graduation day. We didn't mean to make you feel that way.

We are not aware of the realities in life. Teenage pregnancy, drug addiction, and the likes were like fiction to us. We knew how it was like to run out of money but we were not aware that others in our batch had to sell their bodies or work just to feed their families. We had our crushes but having sex was like a crime even engaging in a serious relationship for that matter. We do not cut classes or hurt other people because we are having fun just being us. Kids! Kids who like malling, dressing up, and impressing our parents.

Reality bit us in the neck after graduation!

Not all of us are successful. Not all of us are living a charmed life. That is why we are trying to reach out. IAM TRYING TO REACH OUT.

But I guess it's too late. We are too old and life has hardened most of us. I am letting my dream of having a grand reunion go. I guess I'll focus on finding my own "section" because that is where I belong.

Back on Track

Sembreak is over and I'm back with my kids. I am excited to be with them once more and to give myself a chance to be a better teacher. I am full of plans and I can't wait to try them when our schedule gets more predictable. It was as if, after a full semester, I am getting to know the kids all over again.
During my brief break, I realized that I lost my passion for teaching. I am feeling lazy because everything seems so familiar. I took my job for granted. It became so easy. It was all so familiar that I can do my job with my eyes closed. Now, I am looking at it in a new light. Because of this, ideas flowed in once more and it filled me with excitement. I have two more semesters and I know that I can make things happen.
I am back to my first year when I wanted to try different techniques and ideas to make school more fun for my students. I became so obsessed with academic development that I forgot to pay attention to the children's emotional and social needs. Now, my goal is to produce kids who are academically advanced and emotionally stable.
I'm back on track and with God to guide me - I know that I can be the teacher I want to be