Thoughts

April ended a few minutes ago.

Still... I don't feel any change coming.

I guess, the changes are too gradual to be felt. I've met up with some friends, made plans of going out. I sleep earlier than usual but eat more. I still don't exercise and my chin is beginning to double. I'd stop making declarations and promising because no matter what I say, I can't seem to find the will, the energy, and the motivation to lose weight. The more I obsess about it, the more I can't do it. But I really want to - I desperately want to.

I'm just really the type to go with the flow. I was born to be a follower, a supporter, an observer. I just happen to have the height and the personality that always make people choose me as their leader. But I am not cut out to be one. I know I am good, I am creative, I am smart - but only to a certain extent. I am meant to do big things, but not great things.

I can always think positively.

But there are realities that I have to accept.

In Memory Of

Joan has passed on. The very next day, after she fell into a coma.

We are not that close but we have shared a lot of memories together. I was so sad, I still am. She's still young and with her personality, she could have touched more lives. But I guess, her journey ends here. Though it hurts to let her go, we must. As cliche as it may sound, she is in a much better place now.

She was my total opposite. She's very friendly and sociable. She never runs out of things to do with different friends. Her love life is colorful. She kept a lot of secrets. She was strong-willed and had a lot of courage.

Even so, never once did she make me feel less of myself. She respected my weird habits and though she made fun of me from time to time, I never took any of her jokes personally.

I am embarrassed to shed tears because as I said, we are not what you can call "close." But the past few days that I have spent during her wake, seeing old friends and acquaintances made me realize that we may not have the kind of relationship which permits us to tell each other's deep dark secrets, we had managed to form a bond. Those memories of drinking together and doing stupid things together (even if I am just an observer) will always connect her to me. She may not have been aware, but she had touched my life in a way or two.

Looking at all those people who visited to see her for the last time, she had shown me the importance of gathering friends and interacting with people. Joan's ray of sunshine had somewhat touched all those who, like myself, have been trying their best to hold back their tears. Because no matter how long or short the time spent together, no matter how close or far apart people are to her - all of us have at least one good memory of her.

Rest in Peace Joan Baccay. You will be missed.

I would like to believe that the next steps I will take would mean the end of my semi-hermitic existence. It has been more than three years. Day by day, I am fighting the urge to wear a cassock and shave off my head. I have turned into a monk when I'd rather be a monkey.

I know that life is short and anything can happen at anytime. One of my good friends is in really bad shape, from what I heard she's brain dead already. She is just a year younger than I am. She isn't even married yet and she hasn't even found the one yet.

I guess when things like this happen, you become more aware.

I shouldn't waste my time and my life on laziness and useless dreams.

I hope that the courage that I have long been praying for will come and motivate me to take the steps in achieving my goals.

Days are still boring lately so I have been watching my beloved Asian dramas again. I came across this Shun Oguri drama, "Rich Man,Poor Woman." It's just so cute and heartwarming that I had to watch some episodes a few times more.I hope they would come up with a second season. The onscreen couple are just bursting with chemistry that you would end up screaming in delight and smiling widely at each heartwarming scene.

Anyway, work will start soon and I would be busy again. I guess the few weeks off had worked on me and I am actually looking forward to getting out of the house and making myself useful. Meeting new people is hard and quite impossible nowadays. I'll just stay where I am and make plans. Stagnation had me incapacitated, I am taking it slow and rehabilitating myself would take some time but eventually, I will have a better and exciting life once I make that first step.

I am not losing hope. Tiya Pusit, now 64 has a 27 year old boyfriend. I'm only 34 and I still have a lot of time to fall and find that one great love.

Right now, I should just focus on setting goals and motivating myself again. Laziness is always putting me down and I always have to fight it!

All About Surprises

It's funny how unexpected things make us happy.

Finding forgotten bills inserted between book pages, winning a prize in a raffle, suddenly seeing your crush in a place you pass my everyday - even small things like these can bring a huge smile in our faces. How much bigger would our grins be if we receive huge surprises such as discovering that we are heirs to Carlos Slim's fortune? Or coming across the mythical Yamashita treasure by accident? Or having the biggest love of our lives, who never once looked our way, reciprocate our feelings?

However, there are times, that these unexpected things bring us trouble.

Like passing by an unexpected sale when it's not payday yet, the numbers that you have religiously bet in the lottery were suddenly drawn on the day that you forgot to place your bet, or seeing your crush on the day that you forgot to look at yourself in the mirror. These are instances when we say that we hate surprises.

The thing is, life's unforeseen circumstances, like birthday and Christmas gifts, can either be good or bad depending on how we choose to see it. More often than not, we receive good gifts from people who love us and know our true selves. Maybe because they know what will make us smile and what will irritate us.

Right now, I wish to receive a good surprise.

If I love and get to know more people, the chances of getting a good one will be high, right? I want to open my heart to people now. And I hope my smile would be as big as Jupiter when I receive all the good surprises.=)

It's my last free weekend because we are required to report to school on Monday at exactly 7:30 in the morning. So what's my plan?

Nothing yet. But I will make one.

I vow to give my all this summer and in the coming school year because I really want to RESIGN!

I have been contemplating this for so long. I made a lot of excuses but the underlying reason is something that I can't say out loud. Now, I am admitting it. I am scared.

I am scared that no school will hire me because of my age. I am scared of starting over. I am scared of meeting new people and adjusting. I am scared because I might not be good enough.

Change is scary. But it's something we all have to go through.

So day by day I will save up my courage. I will save up until I accumulated more than enough to make me move on with my head held high.

I am into Japanese dramas lately.It's not that I don't like K-dramas anymore, they're just much shorter and those Japanese actors are like, well, uhmm...hot.

I am currently watching "Nobuta wo Produce." I am only in the second episode but I have already learned quite a few things. It's not preachy type,the lessons just come lightly. Like, wear the clothes you like while you are still young because a time will come when you have to dress up to please other people and being able to smile no matter what clothes you wear. The drama is a good one, no wonder the reviews are good.

Thank God I can only think of good memories in high school. I was not bullied or anything and I kinda feel sorry if I made anyone feel less of themselves because of my immaturity. I was not mean but I was not nice either. Being an adolescent I was way too full of myself. All I cared about back then was getting high grades and being noticed by my crush. I was not even pretty, I rarely comb my hair and I wear any clothes available in the closet. Though I tried to keep up with the latest trends but fashion was really not my thing.

Right now as an adult, all I care about is earning enough money to survive everyday. I don't have future plans, I have a few dreams but I don't have concrete steps in pursuing them. Often, I believe that I have wasted my youth on pursuing senseless goals. I am almost in the middle of my life but pathetically, I haven't changed my ways.

I always say that I want to be a better person. But by what standard? I still cannot find that one thing I am passionate about. I don't get enough drive and motivation. Bad things just discourage me, failure makes me stop. I am not like other people who gets more determined when the going gets tough.

I guess I just have to motivate myself. It;'s the second quarter of 2013 and I will be turning 35 soon. I have to get somewhere at least. I need to focus on one goal instead of pursuing many things all at once.

Finally started working again.

Unfortunately,I still don't feel like handling another class and falling back into my old routine. I actually want to change a few things this coming school year. One of them is my schedule. I have mentioned it a couple of times. I hate going home at 9 p.m. Dead tired and wanting nothing else but to sleep. I want to go out, meet people, and live like a normal person.

I feel like I am the most boring person in the whole world right now. I am not good at my job,I stay indoors for days, I don't get to meet my friends often. How do I find my most desired love life if I am like this?

So what do I do?

Frankly, I do know that I have to put some effort. The thing is, I cannot get rid of my laziness and unnecessary fear. I guess I'll just leave everything to fate and let events unfold themselves naturally.

Right now, I'll go back into escaping in my alternate universe where I can find Jin Akanishi and the rest of my crushes drinking in a bar next to me and my imaginary friends. Until I find a realistic solution to my real problems, I will enjoy my made-up Tequila Sunrise.

April Fool's Day

This should have been the first day of my tutorials but luckily, Rich did not show up. Well, I still have a few days off. But tomorrow, I will definitely start tutoring again and maybe I would get my mojo back.

So anyway, I have a new crush! A Japanese guy named Jin Akanishi. Unfortunately, he's married but it's just a crush and as if I would meet him in person anyway. I watched him before in Gokusen but I liked Kazuya Kamenashi more and of course Jun Matsumoto. But he was outstanding in Anego. I suddenly wished someone that young and gorgeous would like me in real life.

Speaking of Anego, I watched it because I could actually relate to the lead character. A thirty-something female in search of love. Very much like me eh? hahaha But unlike her, I am not the type to carry everyone else's problems on my shoulders. I'm the hands off type. But I work hard as well and try to help in any way I can. And I am always called "Ate" by everyone.

I really should start conditioning myself. Summer classes will start in two weeks and for the first time in years, I am feeling lost. I do not know how and when to start. I kinda don't feel like working. I just want to lie around all day with my Asian series and movies and eat until I turn into a hippo. I really have to set my brain into work mode again!

And with that, I will begin making write-ups for the yearbook. Tata!