It is still my birthday and inspite of my emo emo blog last night, I feel fine now. I have received a lot of greetings and my friends did not forget after all.
I was walking down Riverbanks Mall when I caught a glimpse of a familiar pucca shell necklace. I had to sigh and smile to myself, I received one on my twenty-second birthday, almost nine years ago from a guy who drove me crazy at that time and whom I thought was the greatest love of my life.
I have never denied my almost obsession with RV De Veyra. Looking back, I feel ashamed of all the stupid things I did. I stalked him using my cellphone and even through the internet. I shouted to the cyberworld how much I love him and want him to be mine. Eeewwwww!!!!!
My craziness eventually stopped when I realized, I never really loved him. I made myself believe that I am in love with him because I am in love with the idea of love. I am in love with the guy I want him to be. He is very ideal. A licensed PT, a musician, he came from a good family - the man of my dreams. I failed to see that I do not know much about him. What makes him laugh, what sets him off, etc.
I fell in love for real a few times after the RV experience and I learned a lot about certain types of men. Now, I am single again. And I can't will myself to find another man in my life just because of what some men taught me about their kind.
This is why I feel a bit nostalgic.
I wish I can fall in love with love again. How I long for those times that I could smile just at the thought of somebody loving me. I desire those moments when I simply believed.
Don't get me wrong. I have not turned to a skeptic. My heart is still beating in its right place. It's just that, it takes more time for me to trust someone and a lot of effort to prove that their love for me is real. I am not getting any younger. My biological clock is ticking. If I continue this distrust, I might end up a spinster.
But honestly right now, I am not bothered by the thought of spending my life alone. I am more bothered of not being able to feel the old "kilig" and the old longing for that someone.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Thirty One
On this day, I am an official thirty-something.
I am still staring at my unbeeping phone. A year ago, I have received greets even a week before this special day, but now, only Pong, Ana, Iska, Jingle, and Mau remembered. It is sad and I feel like a loser but I can't really hate my friends even if I want to. They have their own lives and what is September 13 to them anyway.
What happened in the past year? I lost my bestfriend and discovered I have lots of other friends who love me. Ted left me with a number of people I really treasure. Sadly, not one of them remembered this day.
Anyway, even if it is sad, I am still thankful. The past year has been a fruitful one for me.
I thank God for all the blessings. I went to Bohol and to Dipolog. I also spent s few days in Baguio. We have moved to a decent place. I have a nephew coming soon. I still have my jobs. I have opened my savings account. My family is in good health.
God is really good.
I have a lot more to wish for but I am already thankful for these. If I don't get my wishes, I will still find more reasons to smile.
I am still staring at my unbeeping phone. A year ago, I have received greets even a week before this special day, but now, only Pong, Ana, Iska, Jingle, and Mau remembered. It is sad and I feel like a loser but I can't really hate my friends even if I want to. They have their own lives and what is September 13 to them anyway.
What happened in the past year? I lost my bestfriend and discovered I have lots of other friends who love me. Ted left me with a number of people I really treasure. Sadly, not one of them remembered this day.
Anyway, even if it is sad, I am still thankful. The past year has been a fruitful one for me.
I thank God for all the blessings. I went to Bohol and to Dipolog. I also spent s few days in Baguio. We have moved to a decent place. I have a nephew coming soon. I still have my jobs. I have opened my savings account. My family is in good health.
God is really good.
I have a lot more to wish for but I am already thankful for these. If I don't get my wishes, I will still find more reasons to smile.
Monday, September 7, 2009
The Past Year
It has been a year since Ted went away. A year without his infectious smile and merry laughter. We have moved on and we are learning to let go. It is not easy. There are still times that I cry in the middle of laughter just because I remembered him. There are still times that my heart longs for his presence. But I am learning to accept that he is in a better place now. A place where there are no problems and no sadness. A place where he found the peace and happiness that he was not able to have in this world.
Last night, I cried for the past year once more when the mass was about to end. My tears were for all that could have been had he been here to this day. He could have had a higher position at work, a better love life, and the gatherings of our friends would have been doubly fun. In spite of the incomprehensible language of the Indian priest, I prayed to God that He would grant my friend the forgiveness he needs to enter His kingdom.
As for us who have been left behind, may we learn how to live with the loss and may we always remember how it used to be when he was around. How he used to play those silly antics and how he reprimands us when we do something stupid. May we learn the importance of one another and not carry our burdens alone. May we be more sensitive to one another's needs and be more present in each other's lives.
Last night, I cried for the past year once more when the mass was about to end. My tears were for all that could have been had he been here to this day. He could have had a higher position at work, a better love life, and the gatherings of our friends would have been doubly fun. In spite of the incomprehensible language of the Indian priest, I prayed to God that He would grant my friend the forgiveness he needs to enter His kingdom.
As for us who have been left behind, may we learn how to live with the loss and may we always remember how it used to be when he was around. How he used to play those silly antics and how he reprimands us when we do something stupid. May we learn the importance of one another and not carry our burdens alone. May we be more sensitive to one another's needs and be more present in each other's lives.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Some College Memories
I was talking to a good friend from college earlier. She is so ecstatic to learn that she is not the only one who is still single. I had to laugh aloud at the thought that we are all getting older but many of us have not tied the knot yet. Maybe because of the generation. Most people my age are like me. Single and very much available. hehehe
Anyway, I was really surprised when she mentioned a common acquaintance and felt her grudge against her. After all these years, she has never forgotten how the others in CHE treated us. They acted as if we don't exist. Though it was really sad, I realized that I have already moved on from this bitter past. When I entered the real world, the bit***s of FLCD were forgotten. Why in the world should I still think about what they think of me? In this place, we are all equals. It doesn't matter if you're prettier or richer or you got better grades. It was all about luck and abilities.
In college, I was considered a delinquent. I rarely go to class, I have few friends, and my grades were horrible. I acted as if I don't care but my face will turn red each time a teacher tells me that I have used up all the allowable absences. My body will feel numb each time the class is asked to form groups (because I know that nobody would dare ask me to join them). There are times that when I walk in a corridor, I can feel eyes staring at my unpressed shirt and cheap shoes.
There were also times that groups of other students will converge in a corner and I would be left counting imaginary sheep. I was too shy to approach them, afraid to say the wrong words or give the wrong impression. I hated going to school.
It was only when I realized that I am about to reach the MRR that I changed my ways. I still did not make a lot of friends but at least I did my best to attend my classes. I have learned how to write nonsense just to pretend I am busy when my teacher is late. When the class is asked to form groups, I approach the teacher and ask them to find me a group. I learned how to press my shirt and with my part time job at a fast food chain (and later as a private tutor), I bought reasonably priced shoes.
It was in my last year when I met my best friend. Up to now, we still communicate even if she has decided to live in the province. Through her, I met other good friends who looked me up in facebook and friendster.
My college life is not as great as my high school. However, I have learned to let go of the bitterness I felt in the past. My life is okay as it is and holding on to grudge will not benefit me in any way.
Anyway, I was really surprised when she mentioned a common acquaintance and felt her grudge against her. After all these years, she has never forgotten how the others in CHE treated us. They acted as if we don't exist. Though it was really sad, I realized that I have already moved on from this bitter past. When I entered the real world, the bit***s of FLCD were forgotten. Why in the world should I still think about what they think of me? In this place, we are all equals. It doesn't matter if you're prettier or richer or you got better grades. It was all about luck and abilities.
In college, I was considered a delinquent. I rarely go to class, I have few friends, and my grades were horrible. I acted as if I don't care but my face will turn red each time a teacher tells me that I have used up all the allowable absences. My body will feel numb each time the class is asked to form groups (because I know that nobody would dare ask me to join them). There are times that when I walk in a corridor, I can feel eyes staring at my unpressed shirt and cheap shoes.
There were also times that groups of other students will converge in a corner and I would be left counting imaginary sheep. I was too shy to approach them, afraid to say the wrong words or give the wrong impression. I hated going to school.
It was only when I realized that I am about to reach the MRR that I changed my ways. I still did not make a lot of friends but at least I did my best to attend my classes. I have learned how to write nonsense just to pretend I am busy when my teacher is late. When the class is asked to form groups, I approach the teacher and ask them to find me a group. I learned how to press my shirt and with my part time job at a fast food chain (and later as a private tutor), I bought reasonably priced shoes.
It was in my last year when I met my best friend. Up to now, we still communicate even if she has decided to live in the province. Through her, I met other good friends who looked me up in facebook and friendster.
My college life is not as great as my high school. However, I have learned to let go of the bitterness I felt in the past. My life is okay as it is and holding on to grudge will not benefit me in any way.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Remembering Cory
I was barely in my teens when she ruled as the president of the Philippines. I have little knowledge of politics and much less concern for my country. I only remembered how proud I was when she was mentioned in foreign media. She was woman of the month and named one of the most influential people of the 2oth century. She was also a Nobel prize nominee. One of the greatest things that Corazon "Cory" Aquino did for this country is to put it back in the world map.
---
My high school history teacher, Mr. Florencio, have put it in the most appropriate sentence. "Corazon Aquino relighted the torch of democracy in the Philippines."
When her husband Ninoy died in 1983, Cory did not choose to flee. She chose to continue the battle that her husband started; in spite of the tragedy and the lack of political experience, she courageously faced the fight with faith and justice as armors. Her charisma and her bravery touched the hearts of the millions of Filipinos who fought with her in EDSA. Together, the country ousted the dictatorship and had the voice of the people rule the government once more.
---
I must admit this, I was raised around people who were Marcos loyalists. The poverty of the people during her reign did not diminish. There were long brown out hours. There were several coup attempts. I was not a big fan back then because I can only understand very little.
When I gained more understanding over the years, I realized that in spite of these things, Cory Aquino was never once accused of graft and corruption like so many other presidents. I believe that this is a big achievement which I hope the next rulers will follow.
---
What I admire most about this great woman, I must say, is her character. When she passed away, people remembered her goodness as a person. Her courage, her kindness, her faith, her love was always mentioned. Presidents have come and gone but I have not witnessed this kind of sympathy from the Filipinos. I believe it was because many ordinary people like me saw in her their own mothers, aunts, or neighbors.
Many of us witnessed her heart wrenching embrace when Kris went through a scandal. We saw how she supported her son Noynoy in his campaign. How she took care of her grandsons Joshua and baby James. We have heard how much she valued her driver, bodyguards, and household help.
Somehow, these acts have touched our hearts. We have seen Cory not only as a former president but also as a person.
---
President Aquino,
We pray that you have found the peace that you deserve in the hands of our Creator.
---
Corazon C. Aquino
January 25 1933 - August 1, 2009
---
My high school history teacher, Mr. Florencio, have put it in the most appropriate sentence. "Corazon Aquino relighted the torch of democracy in the Philippines."
When her husband Ninoy died in 1983, Cory did not choose to flee. She chose to continue the battle that her husband started; in spite of the tragedy and the lack of political experience, she courageously faced the fight with faith and justice as armors. Her charisma and her bravery touched the hearts of the millions of Filipinos who fought with her in EDSA. Together, the country ousted the dictatorship and had the voice of the people rule the government once more.
---
I must admit this, I was raised around people who were Marcos loyalists. The poverty of the people during her reign did not diminish. There were long brown out hours. There were several coup attempts. I was not a big fan back then because I can only understand very little.
When I gained more understanding over the years, I realized that in spite of these things, Cory Aquino was never once accused of graft and corruption like so many other presidents. I believe that this is a big achievement which I hope the next rulers will follow.
---
What I admire most about this great woman, I must say, is her character. When she passed away, people remembered her goodness as a person. Her courage, her kindness, her faith, her love was always mentioned. Presidents have come and gone but I have not witnessed this kind of sympathy from the Filipinos. I believe it was because many ordinary people like me saw in her their own mothers, aunts, or neighbors.
Many of us witnessed her heart wrenching embrace when Kris went through a scandal. We saw how she supported her son Noynoy in his campaign. How she took care of her grandsons Joshua and baby James. We have heard how much she valued her driver, bodyguards, and household help.
Somehow, these acts have touched our hearts. We have seen Cory not only as a former president but also as a person.
---
President Aquino,
We pray that you have found the peace that you deserve in the hands of our Creator.
---
Corazon C. Aquino
January 25 1933 - August 1, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Remembering a Friend
"Mars, natatakot akong mag-trenta"
These were my exact words about a year ago while we were standing by his window at his old apartment. He nodded with a smile and said,
"Ako din."
Who would have thought that he will never live to see his 30th birthday?
Today is supposed to be his 30th. Knowing him, he would not let this day, or this month, pass without a blast. I can still recall last year's celebration. Beer was overflowing and everyone praised his efforts at learning how to cook menudo. He was very happy. Everything seems perfect. He had a good career going and he has found someone to come home to. All his friends went to his place and even his family made an effort to be there.
Until barely two months after, he decided to take his own life.
I can still feel the pain. Sometimes, the tears still come.
----
His birthday celebrations never fails to hold an event that would forever be in the barkada's record of memories. Laging may eksena 'ika nga. Kasi laging masaya. If you want to see old friends that rarely show up during regular night outs, attend one of Ted's birthday parties and you're sure to see them. His parties don't need a formal invitation but it always seems to pass through the grapevine.
One of the most unforgettable parties was when he first moved to Marikina. He wore a wig and a two-piece swimsuit with matching stillettos as he entertained his guests. There were a lot of unexpected people and everyone had a great time. However, it was barely midnight when he had to retire to bed. A friend popped an ecstasy and a valium on his mouth plus he was so drunk. But he regained energy after barely two hours and the fun went on.
Another favorite party was held in project 3 wherein he invited his officemates from Sykes. Jayson was supposed to be there at noon but came at around 6 in the evening. Ted prepared the food by himself and he was so tired. When we came, he was almost stone drunk and we had to entertain the guests because he had to regain his energy.
On his 17th birthday, I am his only high school classmate who graced the occasion. This was the first time I met Jayson, Klang, Alex, and Peter. It was my first real "inuman" session.
There were so many good and happy memories made on this special day. I am just so sad because even if we can still continue celebrating, I will not be able to see my dear friend's drunken smile.
-------
These were my exact words about a year ago while we were standing by his window at his old apartment. He nodded with a smile and said,
"Ako din."
Who would have thought that he will never live to see his 30th birthday?
Today is supposed to be his 30th. Knowing him, he would not let this day, or this month, pass without a blast. I can still recall last year's celebration. Beer was overflowing and everyone praised his efforts at learning how to cook menudo. He was very happy. Everything seems perfect. He had a good career going and he has found someone to come home to. All his friends went to his place and even his family made an effort to be there.
Until barely two months after, he decided to take his own life.
I can still feel the pain. Sometimes, the tears still come.
----
His birthday celebrations never fails to hold an event that would forever be in the barkada's record of memories. Laging may eksena 'ika nga. Kasi laging masaya. If you want to see old friends that rarely show up during regular night outs, attend one of Ted's birthday parties and you're sure to see them. His parties don't need a formal invitation but it always seems to pass through the grapevine.
One of the most unforgettable parties was when he first moved to Marikina. He wore a wig and a two-piece swimsuit with matching stillettos as he entertained his guests. There were a lot of unexpected people and everyone had a great time. However, it was barely midnight when he had to retire to bed. A friend popped an ecstasy and a valium on his mouth plus he was so drunk. But he regained energy after barely two hours and the fun went on.
Another favorite party was held in project 3 wherein he invited his officemates from Sykes. Jayson was supposed to be there at noon but came at around 6 in the evening. Ted prepared the food by himself and he was so tired. When we came, he was almost stone drunk and we had to entertain the guests because he had to regain his energy.
On his 17th birthday, I am his only high school classmate who graced the occasion. This was the first time I met Jayson, Klang, Alex, and Peter. It was my first real "inuman" session.
There were so many good and happy memories made on this special day. I am just so sad because even if we can still continue celebrating, I will not be able to see my dear friend's drunken smile.
-------
I know Ted likes it better when I write in Filipino because I can express myself better in that Language. I chose to write in English because I don't want to end up in tears after writing this. I miss him so much and I still feel guilty for all those times that I neglected him. I can't forgive myself for failing to read between the lines. I still feel that I have not been a good friend because I wasn't there during the time that he needed me most.
Wherever he is, I hope that he had already forgiven me.
-----
Two years ago, on this exact day, I was sitting in front of our old house with my ex. He looked aout the window and called me. I just shouted, "Happy Birthday!" but I did not bother going up and checking up on him. He had forgiven me for that.
I hope I can forgive myself for this.
----
Ted,
Wherever you are, I hope that you had found your peace. We have not forgotten. You will always be in our hearts. There are still so many things that I would like to tell you but I still don't have enough words. You will always be in my prayers.
----
Allan Ted G. Chin
July 7, 1979 - September 6, 2008
Monday, July 6, 2009
The Flu
I hate getting sick. It is the worst feeling in the world.
I'm down with the flu and although I am sure that this is not h1n1, I still hate it. I hate the chills, the unexplicable taste in my mouth and the headaches. I drank 4 bioflu tablets and hopefully, I will feel much better tomorrow.
I'm down with the flu and although I am sure that this is not h1n1, I still hate it. I hate the chills, the unexplicable taste in my mouth and the headaches. I drank 4 bioflu tablets and hopefully, I will feel much better tomorrow.
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