Hot Hot Summer

I just arrived from our barkada's summer get-away in Zambales. This is the third year of our annual gathering and so far, in my opinion, is the best. My back and my arms are painful due to sunburn but it was all worth it.

I realized I haven't laughed as loud as I did these past two days in almost a year. I missed my friends so much that even the corniest jokes seem doubly funny. My jaw hurt, my eyes were watery but i loved every single second. For once in two months, I stopped thinking of Matthew Gray Gubler! woo hoo!!! There is still hope for me. I am not insane. =)

There are a lot of cute (hot) guys at the beach but I am enjoying my friends' company so I was not able to watch them walk around with their hot bodies. Besides, most of them have partners - gals and gays.

The water was so cool and clear. The sand is not that fine but it's so white. We collected a few seashells and small rocks. The sun was blazing and I got the tan lines I so desired but I didn't expect that some of them would lead to sunburns.

Anyway, this is just the beginning. I hope there will be more beach afternoons to come!

Eating Nonstop

I have been trying to cut back my food intake last week because of the coming summer get-away this weekend - but I backslided!

The thing is I want to be swim wear ready. Is that too much to ask? Heck! All I want is a little flatter belly and smaller arms. I want to have some confidence to bare some skin on the beach. Well now I don't think I am going to have that. As of this moment, I have eaten four cups of rice, a plate of pancit, a bottle of Mountain Dew and I still want more. I know I am in distress. I have money worries and I am worrying about this obsession I have with Matthew Gray Gubler. Right now, I can't think straight! All I want is to surf the net, watch DVD, smoke, and EAT!

This is not normal! I am turning into a slob! Well, I take that back, I still take a bath and brush my teeth. I take time in beautifying myself in the morning. I am actually trying my best to make my summer class more creative and enjoyable for the kids. I am trying to function as normally as I could in spite of the moronic things going on in my head.

So anyway, I better give up my dreams of wearing a bikini this weekend.

Worries, Worries, Worries

I have always been a worrier. I worry about the smallest things like leaving the door unlocked or the dog unfed. Sometimes my sister would be a little late and I would worry about the most insane things. I always fight my worries with prayers.

Now I am worrying again. I don't have enough money right now. I don't know how else I could earn extra. I can't ask from my family anymore because I know their financial status. Summer vacation means no school and no school means no tutorials. And I only get extra money from tutorials!

I need another source of income. I need to have my emergency fund in case I decide to leave my job on impulse and pursue another career. God please! send me someone in the universe to help me with this one.

Well anyway, as always, "this too shall pass." =)

Here I Go AGAIN

Lately, apart from obsessing with Matthew Gray Gubler, Dr. Spencer Reid, and Criminal Minds, I am contemplating on what to do with my stupid, boring life.

I want to do a lot of things. The list is so long that I feel lazy about writing them down here. One thing's for sure - I want a change. A big one.

I am just so tired of doing the same things over and over. I go to work, go home, watch DVD's, surf the internet, I eat, I sleep - then the next day, do the same things. I mean, I love routine. It took me a long time before I established one. Now, after two years or so, I'm bored with this. It's just not working for me anymore.

Revolving

My world right now revolves around Matthew Gray Gubler a.k.a. Dr. Spencer Reid. Every information, every access I can have, I grab it. However, I am still functioning as a human being. Nobody can tell the battles inside me. Except for my erratic sleeping, I go to work, do my job, I go home and fulfill my roles properly. I don't see my friends as much as I used to but that has been the case for about six or seven years now.

I try to pursue other interests to distract me. I write as much as I can, I read if I have time, I file, I make classroom materials, I create lesson plans and summer programs. I believe I have an undiagnosed case of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). I easily lose interest in activities and move on to the next. However, if this is ADD, why do I develop this obsessions? Maybe I have slight autism - who knows?!

Dr. Spencer Reid is such an interesting and lovable character. From what I read in the forums, a lot of girls are crazy for him. I bet I am not the only one. He has such this innocence in him that makes every woman want to take care of him. My weakness are smart guys though I'm not into the classical nerd, he is apart from the others because he is so gorgeous.

Matthew Gray Gubler is equally interesting and lovable. He is very creative unlike Dr. Reid who is more on the analytical side. He seems like a very funny guy. No wonder he has a lot of fans. His has a hundred thousand plus followers on Twitter. I read twits about him and most of them are professions of love and adoration.

I may be obsessive but I am also realistic. I twit Matthew Gray Gubler, I wrote a fan fiction about Dr. Spencer Reid but I know that no matter what I do, our paths will never cross. That's why I created a fantasy world where our worlds meet and I believe - that somewhere, in a parallel universe, we are together.

However, in this reality, I am just plain old Jill.

The Development of Obsession

I have been obsessed before. Basically, I know when an obsession is developing. The first time I got obsessed with an actor was about 13 years ago - with Leonardo Di Caprio after "Titanic." I was not very knowledgeable with the internet at that time so I tried to know everything about him through television, magazines, and tabloids. I was 19, who could blame me? Besides, it was big at that time. I was not the only one.

I cannot remember exactly how I got over it. All I know is that I got obsessed with others after him. There's Kavana, the English singer and John Lloyd Cruz, a local heart throb. They come and go. But each time it happens, I want to get over it as fast as I could. It's hard enough to fall in love with someone who can actually reciprocate but it's even harder to fall for someone who doesn't have the slightest hint that you exist.

I just came from a bad relationship. I am in that difficult stage wherein I have no interest to get involved. I want to fall in love again that's for sure but it's hard for me to trust anyone. So lately, I have indulged in solitary activities, writing, reading and watching DVD's. I try to socialize. I have twitter and facebook. Though they are more for keeping in touch with old friends than for finding the man.

So anyway, I had a brief vacation a week ago. I did nothing but watch Criminal Minds DVDs. I watched them over and over and I am fearful that I am developing an obsession for Matthew Gray Gubler a.k.a. Dr. Spencer Reid.

Anyway, I'll tell more about this. Right now though, I'd rather take a breather.

Leaving the Nest

so sue me for being selfish.

I feel bad because my sister is planning to start a family of her own and we, my mom and two other sisters, are not included.

I know where she's coming from. I understand what she wants and believe it or not, I am happy for her. It's just that I feel hurt. All along I thought that the plan was we will stay together even if she got married but it is not their plan. They were looking for a commercial space with a residential dwelling because they are planning to dump us there while she and her husband will rent a space of their own. I understand that they want a life of their own but it just hurts. I can rationalize their decision but my heart just can't grasp it.

Now she is telling me that we should learn to budget and she cannot help the family anymore. Everything will fall upon my shoulders again. Again I understand. My brain knows that she does not have a responsibility to us but I am really in pain. She's leaving us. And me - I'm stuck with the responsibility. Hay! Siguro nga this is my destiny.

I know that my sister does not mean to throw us out but that is what I am feeling right now. I feel like trash. Some object thrown away because we have no use.