Family Issues

I am confused.

I am hurt that my sister and her so-called husband are planning to move away from us. I am aware that they want to be independent and all but as far as I can remember we have never meddled into their affairs. I watched my Mom keep her hurt to herself with the way they are treating the kids but we never said anything because we don't want to meddle. The only conclusion I can come up with is that my so-called brother-in-law doesn't like us. Period!

I understand their sentiments but the thing is I don't want to see my Mom hurt. Inasmuch as I want her to let go of my niece and nephew, I can't bear to see that look in her eyes. It has been so long since she became this happy. And they are taking it away from her.

I understand my sister, she wants this thing to work out. But as much as I love her, I am beginning to feel resentful towards her again. Why can't she see how much our mom is hurting? She has disappointed our mother for so many times and she just keeps hurting her. I don't want to wash my hands because I have given her a lot of heartaches too but each and every day, I am making up for all of them.

It seems as if, she is throwing us away. I know she wants to be happy and start her own family but she is just plain selfish. I know she has done a lot for us and I want her to be happy too but not at the cost of my Mom's happiness. I am not in her position, I know it's hard. I just hope that that guy is worth all of this.

Family Issues

I am confused.

I am hurt that my sister and her so-called husband are planning to move away from us. I am aware that they want to be independent and all but as far as I can remember we have never meddled into their affairs. I watched my Mom keep her hurt to herself with the way they are treating the kids but we never said anything because we don't want to meddle. The only conclusion I can come up with is that my so-called brother-in-law doesn't like us. Period!

I understand their sentiments but the thing is I don't want to see my Mom hurt. Inasmuch as I want her to let go of my niece and nephew, I can't bear to see that look in her eyes. It has been so long since she became this happy. And they are taking it away from her.

I understand my sister, she wants this thing to work out. But as much as I love her, I am beginning to feel resentful towards her again. Why can't she see how much our mom is hurting? She has disappointed our mother for so many times and she just keeps hurting her. I don't want to wash my hands because I have given her a lot of heartaches too but each and every day, I am making up for all of them.

It seems as if, she is throwing us away. I know she wants to be happy and start her own family but she is just plain selfish. I know she has done a lot for us and I want her to be happy too but not at the cost of my Mom's happiness. I am not in her position, I know it's hard. I just hope that that guy is worth all of this.

nada

It's Friday tomorrow and so far here is how my days at work were spent:

Tuesday: head-aching brainstorming session with my boss because of the K to 12 thing.

Wednesday: Singapore Math training, final decision about the K to 12 adjustments

Thursday: Singapore Math training, internet surfing all day, lovelife update

To sum it all up, the only productive thing I did was to have that Singapore Math training.

I still can't work properly in school. There is too much work to be done but it's not a rush and if it's not a rush, I don't feel the energy to do it.

I need to think and decide about a lot of things.

Back to work!

Vacation's over!

Tomorrow, I'm reporting back to work. I have done 80% of my work and my plan is to complete them tomorrow when I gain access to a more convenient computer. I am not complaining about this one but a PC is much more convenient when making an exam than a laptop. Anyway, I wish I could hold a meeting before we start tomorrow and show everyone how serious I am about my job. If I do leave at least they will remember the leader that they deserve.

To be honest, I do not know what path to take. I am sure that the Lord will lead me to the right way. My fear of being sick is killing me every time I think about it but I am holding on to my faith that He will not give me something I and my family can't handle. My instinct is telling me that I should apply for an overseas job. Things in school are getting better once again. Laoshi Carol can do my job in case I leave and Ms. M can do the others. I can leave any time. I just don't feel I am ready to take on new responsibilities and go to a new environment. When the time comes, I am counting on the Lord to lead me to the right path.

The thing is, I want to be more responsible. I want to let go of procrastination and laziness. I am in my thirties! Geez!

Reflections

It's the Holy Week.

Usually, it is a time for traditions such as the pabasa and the prusisyon. For some it meant going on vacation and out of town trips. For me, this is the time for reflection and looking closer as to how my personal relationship to God is doing.

I have been trying to go to church more often. I also read daily verses from Facebook and I already have a new Bible so I open it from time to time. I haven't been praying properly lately because by the time I go to bed I am really sleepy and I tend to just recite whatever comes to my mind. The Lord knows my heart and I am sure He understands but that doesn't make me feel less guilty.

I have read somewhere that times like this come. I don't feel as moved as I used to when I call on to God. I know that it's a part of my growth as a Catholic.

I know I am not the most religious person in the world, not the most faithful either. I have a lot of sins, I have done some things that hurt God and people around me. Many times I also have forgotten to do a lot of things that I should be doing.

I do not declare to the world about my faith because I know it's not strong enough. I am not the type to tell everyone how Jesus changed my life. I am also not the type to post Bible verses on Facebook or debate about God's existence. I am not what people call a worthy Christian or even Catholic for that matter.

But I do believe in God. And I believe that my personal relationship to him is what matters, not the church I belong to or the people I hang out with. It is how I love other people and not how I pray and do superficial things with them. I love in my own way, help in whatever form I can.

Just because I don't talk about God all the time it doesn't mean that I don't believe him. Just because I am not as active as other people are in their churches it doesn't mean I don't serve him. I am not a stereotypical believer but I am a believer. I do have faith even if it is not as strong as other people's. I have been a sinner and I know I have been saved. I have a loving Father who understands that not all his children show their love in the same manner.

You see, some kids are sweet to their parents. They hug, kiss, and say I love you. Some kids are acting like they are distant but they follow all the rules and avoid making their parents mad. Some kids won't show their love, they will even deny it but they work hard, achieve goals and are very happy when they make their parents proud.

I can't really describe what kind of kid I am. I know I am not the type who kiss and hug and say I love you. In the same manner, I am not like other believers who preach, go to church religiously, and do all those charitable work. When I serve my family and do my job well, I am showing God how thankful I am for giving me such wonderful people in my life. When I fight temptation that is my way of following God's rules and lessening Jesus' burden on his cross. When I read the Bible that's my quiet way of getting to know my creator.

We have different ways of showing our love for God. Let's not be judgmental because only God can tell who the worthy ones are.

Idle again

Well, I don't hate my almost brother-in-law that much anymore. My mom still does though but it's her right to be pissed off. Erin is sick and I am worried sick. I hope she will be okay by tomorrow and perhaps things will be more normal in our family.

The past few days have been boring. And I realized it's not because I have an undiagnosed case of ADHD. It is plain boring in this house. I have no new DVD's, no new books, and no new friends. My money is just enough and I don't want to spend too much since this is the holy week and it's really meant to be solemn.

There is nothing to do in this house! I have to get out more often. I have to open myself to the world, explore, discover, learn, undergo changes.

Anyway, I read this good blog and i have some ideas on what to watch for this week at least. I have done most of what I NEED to do. Now it's time to do what i WANT to do - that is to have something to move me intellectually or even emotionally. I am tired of being idle.

Officially

My mom officially hates my almost brother-in-law.

I don't know, maybe we're suffocating or he really has a lot of childhood issues that's why he can't make us get closer. The thing is I don't know what his problem is and I am not interested in knowing. We did what we could to adjust to him and now it's his turn to adjust to us.

If he really loves my sister, he has to learn to accept us. We tried being close to his family and they're the ones shunning us. We are tried of trying to please people who clearly don't like us or want us in their lives. If that's what they want then let them go to hell and they won't ever see Erin anymore. We are doing okay as it is and he entered my sister's life with sweet nothings. Now if he doesn't want to settle down, why in the world did he impregnate her anyway.

The thing is, I want them to work out. But if he will take away my sis and the kids from us then let him rot wherever he wants. He just can't tear us apart. We've been fighting battles all our lives and he is not worth our break down. Good thing my Dad isn't around anymore because if he were here he wouldn't be able to treat my sister and our Adie like that!

Darn! I officially hate him now too.