Washing Hands

I feel like Pilate right now.

The kids are misbehaving and I know a big part is my fault. I am guilty of neglect and laziness. The kids can feel my lack of energy everyday and they respond by being overly active. They have been hurting each other in a helpless plea for my attention. I try to convince myself that I did my best in the classroom. That I tried different techniques - but I am not so sure about that.

Now, during the PTC, I tell parents about their kid's behavior. I tell them what I did to meet their needs. I was honest but I didn't feel that what I did was enough for what the kids need. It was as if I was washing my hands of the guilt. That I was denying my part in the misbehavior. I blamed it on the fact that they have been together for three years. I blamed it on the class size, the kids' ages. I forgot to blame me.

But at least it's not too late. I still have two quarters to make up for my shortcomings. I pray that God will grant me the passion that I need to deal with my kids.

My View on Jejemons and Jejemonism

Even before the term jejemon was coined, I am already irritated with people who type and text in ways that make simple words very complicated. I mean, it's even easier to spell english words to Filipino (e.g. call = kol) than to use complicated characters and numerals just to sound cool. And they even made their lives harder by alternating upper and lower case letters.

Lately, I have been seeing a lot of anti-Jejemon posts on the net. They were even featured on TV! I can't help but remember the times when the word "jologs" was gaining popularity. There are self-confessed jologs and anti-jologs. Now, we have jejemons and jejebusters. Funny but before, even jologs call other jologs - jologs! History seems to be repeating itself! Former jejemons are now having a change of heart, they are accusing their cohorts of being jejemons when they used to be one!

Anyway, being an educator, I am anti-jejemonism. I mean how can the young people of today develop their language skills with this trend! They can't spell words right and the grammar, my goodness! they should be sent back to preschool!

However, being a thirty-something, I say let them be. They are just kids wanting to be noticed. Surely, they will outgrow it. Five, ten, fifteen years from now- they will just laugh at themselves the way we laughed at ourselves when we used to go gaga over spraynet and boots with dresses.

Used

Sometimes, I hate being me.

I know that nobody is perfect and I don't expect myself to be. I know that I can't please everybody and sometimes, that is what brings me down.

When I do something I really want to do, I give it my best. Giving something without expecting anything in return is something I used to be good at. However, I am only human and sometimes it hurts to realize that nobody appreciates what you do for them. I hate myself for feeling like this because I have been struggling to learn how not to let anybody's opinion change the way I see myself. But now...

I am feeling like I have been used. I feel tired and worn out. I feel like I cannot do anything to find the love that I have been searching for.

I keep telling myself that I cannot change other people's opinion of me. I can only change my own perception. But no matter how I try, I just feel like this.

Well I guess, it's just another bout of PMS. Hopefully, I won't be like this in the next few days.

Kinse na Kami!

Kinakabahan ako kagabi. Akala ko, walang dadating. Paano naman, als-8 na ng gabi, mangilan-ngilan pa lang kami. Tahimik na kong nagdasal at sinabi sa sarili kong, kung mabigo man akong pagsama-samahin ang mga kaibigan ko, sana matanggap ko ito.

Pero makaraan ang ilang minuto, nagkita-kita nang muli ang mga magkakaibigan. Umingay na sa tawanan at kwentuhan ang lugar. Kabi-kabila na nag nag- "picture, picture" at napabuntung-hininga na lang ako dahil alam ko, magiging masaya ang gabing ito.

Sa gitna ng kasiyahan, tahimik kong minasdan ang mga kaklase ko. Ang bilis ng panahon! Lahat kami, lagpas trenta na. At habang tinititigan ko ang bawat isa sa kanila, naisip ko, akalain mo yun. Noon, para lang kaming mga tanga. Ngayon, mukha pa rin kaming tanga. hehehe

Lahat kami, marami nang pinagdaanan sa buhay. Pare-parehong nakipaglaban sa mga pagsubok. Nakaranas na kaming lahat ng kabiguan at maging ng tagumpay. Dahil pinili naming ipagpatuloy ang laban, bawat araw ay pakikipagsapalaran. Ang iba sa amin, may mga paghihirap na pinagdaraanan sa kasalukuyan, ang iba naman, marahil ay kuntento na sa kung anong meron sila. Pero ngayong gabi, kinalimutan muna namin kung sino kami ngayon. Parang pare-pareho kaming bumalik sa panahong wala kaming iniisip kundi kung paano papasa, paano mangongopya, paano tatakas sa klase, paano mapapansin ng crush, paano didiskarte sa nililigawan.

Ngayon ko lang na-realize, ang simple pala ng buhay noon. Pero bakit parang napakakomplikado na para sa amin. Noon, big deal lahat. Umiiyak na ang iba sa isang mababang grade (na kung tutuusin ay hindi naman bagsak). Nagwawala na ang iba sa pang-aasar ng mga kaibigan (e hindi naman yun repleksyon ng pagkatao nila). Ibayong paghihirap para sa marami kapag hindi napansin ng crush nila (hindi naman sila!). Totoo nga ang sabi, "youth is wasted on the young." Kung alam sana namin na simple lang ang buhay noon, sana mas madami kaming nagawang mas mabuti noon.

Pero matatanda na kami, marami na kaming natutunan sa buhay. Nakakatuwa na lang isipin ang nakaraan. Ang saya-saya ko kagabi. Ngayon pag naaalala ko, napapangiti pa rin ako. Yun nga lang, hindi ko pa rin maiwasang malungkot. Kasi mas masaya sana, kung nandito si Ted. Sayang.

Kaninang madaling araw, nilapitan ako ni Jong. Sabi nya, nalulungkot daw sya dahil kanina lang magkakasama kami tapos ngayon, hiwa-hiwalay na naman. Hindi ko sya masyadong maintindihan kanina, siguro dahil masakit na ang ulo ko sa kalasingan at antok. Pero ngayon, nakuha ko na.

Masaya ako dahil nagsama-sama kami. Parang magic ang bawat pagkikita, parang hindi maubos ang tawa at kwentuhan. Tapos, pagkalipas ng ilang oras, tapos na. Hindi mo alam kung kailan ulit, kung paano ulit. Gusto mo sana bukas ulit, pero alam mong hindi naman pwede.

Gusto ko man ang idea na buwan buwan magkikita kaming lahat, hindi na rin pwede. Lahat kami, may kanya-kanya nang buhay. Ang iba, may pamilyang dapat bigyan ng panahon. May iba naman, hindi makawala sa trabaho. Isa pa, ayoko rin naman na magkasawaan kami. Mas nakakatuwa at nakakasabik ang matagal na hindi pagkikita.

Sa ngayon, pahinga muna ko sa reunion. Nagbunga ang pagod na ginugol naming lahat. Pero, katawan ko ang sumusuko. Isa pa, gusto ko rin sana na sa susunod na pagkikita-kita namin, mas mabuting tao na ako.

getting low

I have been busy organizing our 15th year reunion and I am getting tired.
Getting tired of calling meetings in which nobody attends. Then I'll hear comments like they did not enjoy it and we are disorganized. dang!
Do they know how it's like to give some of your time and yet nobody appreciates even the effort?
Do they know how it's like to worry if you are doing the right thing or not?
I am not doing this for myself! I am doing this for all of us and still, they say nasty comments yet do not have enough guts to come up to me and tell me that I am doing a stupid job! I am giving them the power to decide. I am giving them the freedom to express their ideas. What is wrong with them?!

PMS

Lately, I've been so busy.
Busy with my job, busy with taking care of my family, busy organizing a reunion.
Lately, I have realized, that I have not taken time to get in touch with myself again.
The familiar feeling of not knowing what to do with my life is back. I have lost my goals, I have stopped dreaming. In the past, I can easily bounce back from this. two days is long enough but now, it's been going on for a few days now. I am sad.
I miss going out. I miss my friends. I miss Ted.
I miss my old self.
Why do I always feel this way when I have my period?

Infidelity and Regret

what I don't understand about married men is why they can't seem to be satisfied with their wives after they get married. why didn't they see that "something" missing while they were still in the boyfriend-girlfriend stage?

Then after they get caught, they will feel so sorry and beg their wives to take them back?!

See, they hurt, not only their wives, but their mistresses as well. Do they know how it feels like to be kept hanging and hoping that one day you'll be together? No! All they know is that they are having fun while their wives are faithfully waiting on them. They know that if they get caught or the other woman comes to her senses and leaves them - their wives would take them back.

I think, that if you decide to be unfaithful to your partner, you should own up to it.

don't look like a lost puppy when everyone leaves you. You have to be prepared to face the consequences and don't ever regret the choices you made!

or better yet. do not be unfaithful at all!