Faith

I believe that God is a merciful father. I know that he is just. We may not understand how it works and we may not always agree with him but in due time He always makes it a point that we will see His will is for the best. I also believe that He knows what we want and He listens to us and gives us a chance. He is not a tyrant and a dictator. He respects us and we have to respect Him more.

I have done some stupid mistakes in my life in the past. He let me make those mistakes and made me see my wrong decisions. Maybe that is why I have regrets. I know that what I was doing back then was wrong but I still did it. I was a rebel and I thought I was cool. Now I saw that there is nothing cool in that. I have paid for my sins and now He is giving me a chance. I am holding on to Him and in His goodness and love so that I will never go astray again. I believe that He is there to defy all rationality that we have learned in this world, what science explained and what philosophy taught. He can make miracles and do wondrous things.

I am not a church goer. It has been quite sometime since I last read the Bible or attended mass. With His guidance, I know that He will lead me to the right church. For now, I will continue to communicate with Him through daily prayers. Hopefully, He will send me messages that I could understand and accept.

Whatever!

Humility is a hard lesson to learn. For people like me who was raised to believe that we are better than other people just because we have the brains that can easily pick up new concepts and learn new skills. Sure I have self image issues but I always make up by telling myself that I may not be as good looking as other people are but I'm sure I'm brighter. I have learned the hard lesson some fifteen years ago when I entered the University of the Philippines and saw that I am just one of the many.

Then on, I tried my best to keep both my feet on the ground. However still, some people provoke me to say nasty things about them. Then I learned that patience is much harder to come by. In this world full of people who are trying to get ahead of others, it is hard not to be cruel to those whose only way of getting on top was pulling other people down. It is just hard to feel sympathy for people who have made it their primary goal to succeed at all costs even if that means stepping on others' toes and hurting them in the process.

I am trying hard to be humble but I cannot allow other people to put me down. Sometimes, I need to do some things or say some things to make those downers see the place where they should be - in hell where all the people around them are as miserable as they are.

I don't mean to be mean. I feel guilty for going down to their level. It is just my way of preserving what little self esteem I have. I don't expect them to understand and I'm not sure if I care.

100

Everyday, life teaches us new lessons. Most times, we ignore them. There are times we don't understand. Sometimes, we do learn.

Keeping an account of everyday experiences can be very beneficial but a bit tiring. It is nice to write when we are feeling very happy. It can be helpful to write when we are angry or depressed. There are days when we don't know what to write because our day is just blah. When I decided to update this blog as often as I could, seeing life's daily lessons became a bit easier. I like rereading my previous entries. Some entries are boring, I don't finish them at all. My other writings make me smile and feel inspired. There are even ones that I myself am impressed with my own work.

This is my 100th entry. I was thinking how to make it extra special. I have planned on listing all the nuggets of wisdom I have picked up in the last two years or so but I was afraid I will forget the important ones. I realized, it is impossible to recall all of them just as it is impossible to remember every little detail that our teachers from preschool to college taught us.

So if you happen to come across my writings, I am encouraging you to go back and take some time to read my past entries. They contain the lessons I learned in this adventure we call life as experience it, directly and indirectly stated. It is my greatest wish that you will also learn and hopefully, be encouraged to be a better person.

Time for Me

Jackie's here! And in a few days we will be moving out of this house. She on the other hand, will move out perhaps 5 months from now. This is another chapter in our lives. I haven't fully grasped the idea of living in different houses but I guess, I'll just cross the bridge when I get there.

One of the lessons I learned in life is that change is inevitable. Change can be both exciting and scary. This is one of those scary ones for me. What if I miss my nephew? my sister? While it is true that we will not be very far from each other, it still is not the same.

However, I must admit that one of my dreams is living in my own place. Having a house or a condo all to myself in a far away land like New York or Los Angeles or Singapore. I want to know how's it like to be able to do everything I want at home without the worry that my sister might need the pc or use the bathroom. I like the idea that I can eat anything I want without worries that a certain food is bad for my mom or my sister will not like it. It would be nice to be able to lie down all day and not worry that the house is messed up. I can go around naked or in my underwear or burst into a song or go dancing in the living room.

I love my family very much and I can't imagine a life without them. It's just I want to live my own life too. I want to have a personal space, a place I can have all by myself. I will never severe my ties with my mom and my sisters. I just want a time for me.

Staying Close

My father used to tell me that you can not replace your family.

Friends will come and go, but your family will never leave you. You can choose your friends but not your family. I guess this is the reason why our family became intact. In spite of the fact that my Mom is his third wife, we have become inseparable. Arguments and misunderstandings happen every now and then but reconciliations happen as often as they do. I am thirty two but I still live with my mom and my sisters. I can make means to live independently but I just can't imagine coming home to an empty house.

My sister Jackie will be coming home from Europe in a few hours. She's five months pregnant with her second child. She will be getting married and will be starting her own family for who knows when. It's imperative that she move out. Inasmuch as I want them to stay with us, it would be difficult for my future brother-in-law and us. It's not that we don't like him. It's just apart from my Dad and my nephew, we didn't have a male in the house. We are so used to walking around in our underwear (because it is so damn hot in this country), we freak out about small things, and it takes us forever inside the shower. It's just a lot of adjustments. Adjustments that will be unfair for him and for us.

So I'll just enjoy the few months that Jackie and Adie will be spending with us before they move out. Our sort of a bridal shower and baby shower rolled into one. It will be a four month long slumber party. Who knows, maybe we can find a duplex and they will just be staying next door to us. Or maybe we can get a big compound so that when all of us get married, we will be staying in different sections of the same place. Mom can just choose in which house she wants to stay in every other day if she likes.

Back on Track

We have a prospective new house and I am all psyched to move there once we get to check the place out. Later, is the last day of summer classes and we are going to have a party. I am all set and I am sure that the kids will have real fun.

I have made a small crocheted coin purse. I will watch the next videos on how to read patterns and soon I will make my cute crocheted animals. I am planning to make a crocheted Jar jar Binks or dinosaur to remind me of Matthew Gray Gubler and a small monkey that will remind me of Jackson Rathbone. I am going to display them on my desk so that I can work more efficiently and I will have better ideas for the next school year. My bosses are going to love me.

Today, I spent most of my time thinking of what story I really want to tell. I really want to start a novel. I am aiming for publication. It would be cool to see my name on book covers. There's just too much in my head I can't figure out which one is the best. If I could find a person who could draw well, I also want to have my own comic book.

I said I have given up my dreams of becoming a writer. I guess I was wrong. Writing will always have a place in my life. It has made me survive all of life's trials. I guess I am going to continue writing until someone reads what I want to say.

Good Things to Come

It is nice to feel that your friends and family are there for you. Everything gets a little easier if there are people you love and who love you. I feel better now and I am back to optimism.

I have learned the basics of crocheting. It won't be long before I will start to make my own amigurumi. Once again, I have proven that one is never too old to learn new things.

My sister Jackie will be home soon. Things will be good and a new baby is on the way. I wish it will be a girl. Maybe I can make little crocheted hats and booties for him or her.

We will move to a new place soon. Things will be good.