Home Alone (again, naturally)

Everyone's out but me.

We already moved to our new place. Classes have started, tutorials too. I have accomplished a lot in the past months and now I am back in a rut. Actually, not really, I actually have more to do but I don't know how to finish all of them and fit all of them in my current schedule. The travel time from my place is as unpredictable as my mood. The new kids are okay but I am going crazy over their behavior. I am still feeling lazy from time to time. I need more pep talk and self motivation activities to be able to make it through this year.

Now, I can work on a few papers but here I am blogging, facebooking, and twitting. hahaha

The teachers and I were supposed to go out but something came up and they rescheduled for tomorrow. I was supposed to meet Jingle but I fell asleep and woke up really late. Now, I want to work but I can't figure out which task I should do first.

So... I guess I will start by taking a bath and improve my circulation. Till then...

Hmmm

Just finished listening to the RoRo show. I really wish to meet Rico Robles and Jude Rocha in person and have some pictures taken. Wala lang for the experience lang.

I am not feeling so well. This cold has been bugging me for about a week now. I am feeling really lazy and I am not sure if I will be able to accomplish anything today. The weather is not cooperating. The sun is blazing hot that even the wind is hot. I am having some minor headaches and I feel a little deaf because of these clogged nasal passages.

Anyway, Rubie and I will be meeting up with Joy later. Hopefully, I'll be feeling a little better. I haven't been to SM Marikina for quite sometime now. I wish I'll have some extra money too.

Still Out of My League

I never thought that the Thai movie "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" will affect me as much as "500 Days of Summer." Apart from English and Filipino movies, I am not much of a fan of Foreign language films. I hate reading subtitles, it makes my head ache and my eyesight is not so good. The lead male is just so cute I can't resist watching it.

Anyway, I have already made my review of the film in my tumblr blog. It's just I can't seem to get enough of it. The movie actually made me review my high school life and search for parallels. There are actually a lot but most of my high school crushes are married now besides, the last time I saw them, it got me wondering if my brain was in the right place in high school. There were two Dexters, one ugly and one drug addict. A guy named Happy and thinking of him makes me go eeww. There's Franco, another eeww guy. There was a Julius who I believe is a priest now. And Raul - the guy who just disappeared. I know there are others but they are so forgettable.

I discovered that the closest story I have with Nam is the one I had when I was a college freshman.

Marlon Pilar. haayy!

The first time I saw him in the classroom, I knew that I would be head over heels for him. I used to have this thing for tall, lanky, Chinese guys. He is all that plus he looks really neat and smells really good. For about a year I satisfied myself with a few stolen glances and some moments of stalking. I would stare at him from afar and tell myself to gather enough courage to approach him and have a casual conversation but I was never able to do that. I don't know but at that time, I thought he was way out of my league. He's just too cute. I was back then a dark-skinned, lanky, ugly public high school graduate.

The only time I got to be near him was at the Eng canteen. I was waiting for my pals when he sat in front of me, said hi and left immediately. There was also that time when we were lining up to watch a play and I was so noisy because I want him to notice me. He told me to keep quiet and I answered back and all of my blockmates teased us. I almost died of a heart attack during those times. My heart was beating that I can actually hear it pounding and I can't breathe.

Sometimes I am wondering if at some point, he liked me too. There was a time that Rhoma told me that he was looking at me during one of our classes. There was also that time when joking around, the other boys told her that I am his ex-girlfriend. But then again, if he feels the same, he would've approached me. Maybe he is aware that I have a crush on him that's why his friends were teasing him. Maybe they found it so funny that they are laughing at him and they pity me for such an ambitious desire.

Anyway, it was a roller coaster year for me. That was June 1995 to May of 1996. So many things happened and I outgrew my infatuation. The last time I saw him was on my fifth year in college. He sat in front of me and my friend in a jeep, he has a girlfriend. I am not really sure if he was the guy I saw in MRT shaw around 2005. Thing is, apart from Alex, also a college crush, he is a past crush that I want to see again.

I never thought that recalling those incidences I just shared will make me feel the old emotions that I thought I outgrew. Now my desire is stronger. I really want to catch a glimpse of him again. If he talks to me or even remembers me, I would be thankful but if not I just want to see him. Besides, with my current weight, I don't think I want him to see me like this. After all these years, I still think he is way out of my league.

Faith

I believe that God is a merciful father. I know that he is just. We may not understand how it works and we may not always agree with him but in due time He always makes it a point that we will see His will is for the best. I also believe that He knows what we want and He listens to us and gives us a chance. He is not a tyrant and a dictator. He respects us and we have to respect Him more.

I have done some stupid mistakes in my life in the past. He let me make those mistakes and made me see my wrong decisions. Maybe that is why I have regrets. I know that what I was doing back then was wrong but I still did it. I was a rebel and I thought I was cool. Now I saw that there is nothing cool in that. I have paid for my sins and now He is giving me a chance. I am holding on to Him and in His goodness and love so that I will never go astray again. I believe that He is there to defy all rationality that we have learned in this world, what science explained and what philosophy taught. He can make miracles and do wondrous things.

I am not a church goer. It has been quite sometime since I last read the Bible or attended mass. With His guidance, I know that He will lead me to the right church. For now, I will continue to communicate with Him through daily prayers. Hopefully, He will send me messages that I could understand and accept.

Whatever!

Humility is a hard lesson to learn. For people like me who was raised to believe that we are better than other people just because we have the brains that can easily pick up new concepts and learn new skills. Sure I have self image issues but I always make up by telling myself that I may not be as good looking as other people are but I'm sure I'm brighter. I have learned the hard lesson some fifteen years ago when I entered the University of the Philippines and saw that I am just one of the many.

Then on, I tried my best to keep both my feet on the ground. However still, some people provoke me to say nasty things about them. Then I learned that patience is much harder to come by. In this world full of people who are trying to get ahead of others, it is hard not to be cruel to those whose only way of getting on top was pulling other people down. It is just hard to feel sympathy for people who have made it their primary goal to succeed at all costs even if that means stepping on others' toes and hurting them in the process.

I am trying hard to be humble but I cannot allow other people to put me down. Sometimes, I need to do some things or say some things to make those downers see the place where they should be - in hell where all the people around them are as miserable as they are.

I don't mean to be mean. I feel guilty for going down to their level. It is just my way of preserving what little self esteem I have. I don't expect them to understand and I'm not sure if I care.

100

Everyday, life teaches us new lessons. Most times, we ignore them. There are times we don't understand. Sometimes, we do learn.

Keeping an account of everyday experiences can be very beneficial but a bit tiring. It is nice to write when we are feeling very happy. It can be helpful to write when we are angry or depressed. There are days when we don't know what to write because our day is just blah. When I decided to update this blog as often as I could, seeing life's daily lessons became a bit easier. I like rereading my previous entries. Some entries are boring, I don't finish them at all. My other writings make me smile and feel inspired. There are even ones that I myself am impressed with my own work.

This is my 100th entry. I was thinking how to make it extra special. I have planned on listing all the nuggets of wisdom I have picked up in the last two years or so but I was afraid I will forget the important ones. I realized, it is impossible to recall all of them just as it is impossible to remember every little detail that our teachers from preschool to college taught us.

So if you happen to come across my writings, I am encouraging you to go back and take some time to read my past entries. They contain the lessons I learned in this adventure we call life as experience it, directly and indirectly stated. It is my greatest wish that you will also learn and hopefully, be encouraged to be a better person.

Time for Me

Jackie's here! And in a few days we will be moving out of this house. She on the other hand, will move out perhaps 5 months from now. This is another chapter in our lives. I haven't fully grasped the idea of living in different houses but I guess, I'll just cross the bridge when I get there.

One of the lessons I learned in life is that change is inevitable. Change can be both exciting and scary. This is one of those scary ones for me. What if I miss my nephew? my sister? While it is true that we will not be very far from each other, it still is not the same.

However, I must admit that one of my dreams is living in my own place. Having a house or a condo all to myself in a far away land like New York or Los Angeles or Singapore. I want to know how's it like to be able to do everything I want at home without the worry that my sister might need the pc or use the bathroom. I like the idea that I can eat anything I want without worries that a certain food is bad for my mom or my sister will not like it. It would be nice to be able to lie down all day and not worry that the house is messed up. I can go around naked or in my underwear or burst into a song or go dancing in the living room.

I love my family very much and I can't imagine a life without them. It's just I want to live my own life too. I want to have a personal space, a place I can have all by myself. I will never severe my ties with my mom and my sisters. I just want a time for me.