Letting go of Regrets

I have complained a lot of times how twenty four hours doesn't seem to be enough for me to complete my job and do the things I love and fulfill my personal responsibilities. But still, I am trying to do my very best to accomplish tasks and reach goals. However, I have come to realize that even if my mind is willing to do all it takes to give everything my best shot, I am not as young as I used to.

My energy is not as high as it used to be.I am having difficulty going through the day if I lack sleep when in college I used to go for weeks with just an hour or two of it. Before, I can still manage to meet up with my ex and hang out with my barkada on a school night. Now, I can't even insert my planned daily run. When I get home, I just feel so exhausted all I want to do is watch my favorite soap opera and surf the net.

Now, I have another regret. That is, I wish I had this mindset to be the best in everything I do when I was much younger.I could have graduated with honors in college.I could have landed a better job. I could have fulfilled my responsibilities to this family a long time ago had I been as determined as I am now.

I could have waited until I had enough money to party. I could have managed my time better in high school. I wish I wasn't contented with a 3 in my class card. I wish I knew the importance of hard work. I was too boastful, too confident. I wish I wasn't aware that I was smart enough to get through those exams without reviewing.

But it's all in the past and I can't bring that time back.

I still have now.

And even if I am much slower than I used to, I still can.

Pep Talk - for Myself

Birthday month is almost over. Met up with good friends, celebrated with teachers and family but I wasn't able to hear mass.i went to church, thanked God for another good year but I think it's still different if there was a priest and a choir and Bible reading. Anyway, I can find the right time.

So far, things are okay. I am just a bit worried because I am falling behind from all the paper work.I am once again feeling the need for an extra hour or two each day. I can't rely on caffeinated and energy drinks all the time. There is so much to do but here I am again not knowing where to start.

A lot of things are going on in my mind. I am now at that age when I can't say that I am still young and I still can do things tomorrow. I just feel so left behind professionally, financially, socially, and even intellectually. I want to catch up to my peers. I used to be on the lead and so many things happened along the way that I just saw myself lagging behind and not caring.But now, I want to catch up once more but I am not sure if I have the what it takes to get back to where I used to be.

I don't want to blame the circumstances that happened when I was much younger because I believe that I always had a choice. Somehow, my need for things which I used to think are very important (and now I believe otherwise), made me choose stupid decisions. I knew what I should have done and chosen, I was just too stubborn to pick the correct path. I was confident that I would have enough time to undo my mistakes but I realized too late that I have chosen a path which was beyond my abilities.

Don't get me wrong, this is not giving up. I am still hoping that I can still manage to rise up, I know I can still find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But now, it's just too difficult because I am not as young as I used to. I don't have that old idealism and that "ain't no mountain high enough" attitude. As the elders used to say, "matigas na ang buto." I am struggling with habits which grew on me and beliefs that took root within my psyche. I know I need to change a lot of things. It is just so difficult to do because I had been living like this for so long now that changing is really scary.

But I know I still could so I would.

I would keep trying to get out of my comfort zone and catch up.

Post Birthday Celeb with BFF's

It's a bit overdue but as I said before, September is my birthday month and until this month is over, celebs won't end. This time, I celebrated with my BFF's Gladys and Ana in Cafe Lidia.

The food was great, our conversations even better. And of course, when the three of us are together, picture taking won't be absent.



I'm so thankful that I have chosen to keep these two wonderful people as my best friends. =)

When Looking at the Weighing Scale is Scary

I have been struggling with weight issues for quite some time now. Every year, it had always been a part of my New Tear's resolution to work out and watch what I eat.

But after almost five years, my weight has been continuously going up instead of down. The reason - mainly is my lack of discipline.

I have lost weight before. I was in a relationship at that time and we were having problems. I focused on myself instead of him and I succeeded in trimming three inches off my waistline and about 10 lbs in almost three months. I thought it would be easy to do that again. But I am wrong. I have gained back what I've lost and even added more.

Now, I don't have any motivation plus I can't find the time in my jam packed schedule. I have tried starting but I always ended up backsliding. But I really, really want to have my old figure back.

Call me superficial, call me selfish but I just want to be able to wear those cute dresses and other outfits without looking like a pregnant woman or a pregnant hippo. I want to wake up every morning and like what I see in that mirror.

I want to look good. I need to look good.

When the Blog becomes the Tissue

I have started this blog as an online diary. I have been keeping journals since I have learned to write and I regularly put down into words what I couldn't say out loud in real life. However, I always keep notebooks lying around and there were many instances when my mom (of all people) have read my personal accounts. Keeping this blog had prevented those incidences from happening. My mom can operate a computer but she can't easily access a password protected account. =)

I am not a very sociable person as I have stated before. My only form of social life is my workplace, a handful of long time friends, and social media. And lately - I am getting irritated by people who post every detail of their lives on their FB walls and Twitter updates. Sabi ko nga, kulang na lang pati utot nila i-post.

I know that some kindred souls read some of my entries mostly by chance and have felt what I have been feeling everytime I read those irritating statuses. And I realized that I am in a way, similar to those people who irked me. Well, whoever you are, I am apologizing. I know that when I am feeling down I should use a tissue instead of my blog but you see, my blog is much better than a tissue. Writing down my feelings won't leave me with swollen eyes and I am not adding to pollution by not throwing any trash. =)

Now I understand why some of my social media friends are like that.

We all need some form of release, we all want someone to hear us.

I would still continue writing cheesy stuff here and vent my emotions and frustrations now and again. But I would try to write it in such a way that occasional readers would be affected positively and not be sucked in by my occasional rants.

I really wish I could write better and I really hope that I could gain new friends.

Another Year

Another year...

And I celebrated this special day happily with my co-teachers, students, and family. I wasn't able to invite my friends over since our day offs are different but since it is our culture in the Philippines to have month long celebrations - I will make it up to them. After all I have about sixteen more days in my birth month.

I am still a bit dazed. I have been receiving so many greetings and a lot of blessings lately. As I was typing this, I am actually smiling from ear to ear and I have that stupid dreamy look on my face. Nothing extraordinary happened. I was just reminded that I am loved and so many people actually care for me.

So... I am just thankful.

For the happiness, for the love, for the lessons learned, for another year.

And like what they wished for me - I hope there would be more to come. =)

Crossroads, Decisions, Challenges

The past few days were really very happy. So happy that I did not find the time to update any of my blogs.

I went out with my friends and I missed them so much that I didn't care if a lot of work was left undone. Now, I have so much to do and I am lacking sleep again. I have been late for more than a month now and I don't know if the traffic got worse or I am just waking up much later than I used to. I am under pressure again because I have too much in my hands and yet - I have the best feeling in the world. I am useful, I am functional, and I am living no just plain alive.

I will be in my mid-thirties in a few days.

There are so many decisions that I have to make soon. Gladys and I are wondering if this is what they call midlife crisis. Maybe this is and up to now, I am still undecided. Actually, I know what I want but my fears are holding me back. I am afraid of the adjustments I have to make and I am doubtful if I can adapt as well as the others. Add to that, my biological clock much louder than before and my uterus is shouting out for something that normally resides there that should have been there some 10 years ago. I am still yearning to find that one true love but the logical part of me is beginning to doubt if he will ever come.

I want to believe that I can still have that happy ever after. But each day, a new dilemma comes, and over the years they have piled up that I don't know which one I should prioritize anymore.

As they say though, that is the spice of life. Without challenges and hurdles to overcome, life would be meaningless.

So as I approach another crossroad, I wish for wisdom, good health, and more determination.

Life is good. It can be better. =)