On Friendship

I am not what you call a friendly person.

It's not because I am a snob like what most people think. I am actually shy. I am afraid to make a bad first impression. I tend to say nonsense things or do stupid stuff when I am uncomfortable. So I am usually quiet when I am around people who are not close enough to be called friends.

But once I get comfortable with a person, I can actually be sensible and funny. I can be a good friend. Maybe not your best but I can be good.I can be a shoulder to cry on. I can help when I can. I can listen. I can be there. I just don't know if I can reach people's standards when it comes to friends.

My friend Jingle has a very high standard when it comes to friendship. There are times that it frustrates me and I feel like I am being pressured into reaching that standard. What I discovered though is that I actually reach her standard when I stop trying. When I'm just being me and I'm letting her see what she really is to me.

I have my own standards.

As I've said a thousand times before, I only have a handful of friends. But I can say and feel that they're real. Not all my friends are perfect. They have disappointed me in more than a thousand times before. We had our share of misunderstandings and fights. I had given up on some of them. The others, I just let go and pray that one day they'll remember me.

I cannot say what standards really are. While it is true that it takes time for friendship to be strong, I have some friends who I've known for barely a year but they have been better friends than the others I've been with for ten years. Common interests are good but amongst my friends, I am the only one who likes Korean dramas and actors, who don't play any sport, and who likes to stay at home on weekends. I am not always there for them, they are not always there for me. There are even times I think they're not even listening to me.

I guess my standard is really simple. There's got to be that kind of love that is hard to explain but you can feel. I feel this with my friends. That kind of no matter what I will still be your friend. Even if I get angry at something you did or you hurt me in a way or two. Even if we have not seen each other or talked to each other for many years.

Before you can be my friend, I guess it's simple. You just have to show me that you want me in your life. That you think I am worthy to be called your friend. Then perhaps I can open my heart as well.