Quiet Thoughts

Success!!!

My buffalo wings was a success and I am so happy. Our Noche Buena will be so good we won't forget it.

Unfortunately, I slept a lot today so I missed out on meeting Gladys and Ana. I miss them a lot but I guess it's really not time for us to meet at this time. I didn't even go to church and I feel guilty because I promised my Mom we will go plus I did not fulfill my obligation as a Catholic.

But right now, I am still in the process f organizing my thoughts.

2012 is about to end. I am 34 years old, I'll be turning 35 in less than ten months. A lot of good things have already happened in my life but these things should've happened when I was 24. I am still lagging by ten years. I am not getting any younger and I should be more determined to take back the ten years I've wasted with rebelling without a cause and ruining my life for the sake of fitting in. I know it's not too late to make something out of myself.

I am now feeling the fear of growing old alone.

I don't have a kid, nor a husband. My friends are few, my sisters are beginning their own lives, my Mom is getting older. The most I could wish for them to be still by my side is twenty years. Looking back at the last twenty years of my life, my efforts were not enough.

I have been an honor student in high school and I entered the best university in the country. After that, my life went on to a slow pace. My parents got sick, my studies suffered and I graduated a course that not all people are familiar with. I got a decent job with a lousy pay. Good thing we are renting now but we still can't afford to buy our own house. My savings account is still zero. My material assets are not enough. Looking at the lives of people my age makes me wonder what happened. I used to be the best. I used to be on top. Why did I slack off and let them leave me?

Unlike people who use life's jokes as a motivation - I let them pull me down. I gave up when my parents got sick, I let go when my Dad passed away. I took a job that paid me a lousy salary because I stopped wanting for more. I got contented with just enough. Just enough to pay the bills, just enough so that we won't have to borrow money. I stopped aiming for more because I always chose the safe path.

Now I remember Bi Rain saying that he won't be where he is if he had always chosen the safe path. I wish I have as much courage as he has.

I read somewhere that courage is not the absence of fear but the ability not to be paralyzed by it. I have let fear paralyze me for so long. I even forgot that God is holding my hand and showing me the right path by giving me the opportunities that I just ignored.

I hope before this year ends, I have enough courage to go the right way.