Today - I can and I will

I am starting to feel a wee bit depressed again.

I saw my pictures during the Christmas party and program - and I'm so BIG. As in FAT! I really want to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I just don't know how.

I know it takes time and I need patience. But it's really quite depressing to compare my pictures from a year ago to this year and to the years before that. If I could just turn back time, I hope I can still do something about this. This is not right.

But I don't want to be too depressed knowing that I eat more when I'm depressed. I guess I just have to set realistic goals. I have to be more determined and disciplined to do this. I'm always wavering and giving in to temptation because I guess I am not desperate enough to do this. If I don't start now, there will be no more time left before Bi Rain gets discharged from the military! bwahahahahaha

I have to begin somewhere. My thoughts are all clattered. I can't seem to put things in order because I have no solid plan. As I said before, I am going to spend this break thinking and coming up with a good plan about my career, my body, my life in general. So even if I badly miss my friends, I have to stay away because I want to have something new to share when I see them again. I am tired of hearing them say that I got fatter and I look terrible. I am tired of saying that nothing goes on with my life - it's the same career, new Korean actor to go crazy with, a book that I would recommend. I just wish to be greeted with, you look great today and I want to tell them that I found someone I wish they could meet.

I'll give myself a minimum of three months. My body will not be bikini ready yet but there should be some visible improvements. I think I would still be in school but I could have enrolled in the M.A. program or perhaps have my application for abroad pending already.

I won't wait for January to begin.