Ranting and Whining (Again)

I was looking back at my blog entries a while ago and I realized that I have written so much more in the past months compared to the last two years. I don't know, maybe it's because I have my own laptop now or because my internet connection is much better or simply because I am more bored than ever.

I haven't seen the gays since September. I was with Gladys a few weeks back and I text Ana from time to time. I even chat with Leah and Jingle and I work in the same place. Anyway, I think even if I see them more often, I would be writing as much. This emotional turmoil I am going through is not something easily discussed with friends. Imagine how funny it sounds when a thirty-four year old single lady says, "guys, I'm in love with a Korean superstar." That will stick until I get old and it would be the topic of jokes for the rest of my life. So, no can do. I'd rather put it here where nobody close to me can read it.

I know this is not normal and I am aware that I am acting like a pyscho. I watched too much "Criminal Minds" to be aware that this is how an obsessive stalker starts out and I am afraid to turn out like that. I really hope I can find a real, touchable, reachable person like my crushes so that even if they invade my thoughts day in and day out, it would still be normal.

Funny dream I had last night. I was hugging a friend tightly and we ended up kissing but it didn't send butterflies or any ripples in my heart. I just felt blah at the thought of that dream coming true. He's a real, touchable, reachable person but I don't want to be with him. He's boring and immature and corny. We used to play around like that, we do hug each other tightly in real life and he stole a few kisses on my cheeks but never once did magic happen when our eyes meet. We always end up laughing and saying nonsense things to each other. Besides, he calls me "ate." I believe he is in a relationship with someone now and I was so happy when I heard about it. And up to now I wish they'll get married soon so that he can have a better direction in life.

I want someone new. Someone who can excite me, someone I want to get to know better. A person who will challenge me to be better. Why in the world is it so hard to meet new people these days? Where is my Kim Joo Won or Mark Darcy or Hyun Jin-heon or Jeong Jae-min or even Song Sam dong? Why in the world is he taking so long? It's tiring and boring to wait. Should I just give up?